Good to hear you had a good experience too, OTMT. You make a good point that Retro and DB are different methods with different approaches. You should not try to combine them. If you are doing Retro, then stick to their format, don't start adding in fear of pursuing or GAL if they conflict with what you have been taught to do. Retro is very effective because you have two people playing by the same rules. Don't bring new rules into it.
Thanks Lotus. Right now, I'm just focusing on trying to build that emotional connection.
The part of DB and other books (like "Improve your marriage without talking about it" and others focusing on good communication) that I'm trying to hold on to are for when I'm trying to communicate better with my W.
30 couples at ours, have to say from what I saw and heard 28 were moving toward being together at the end and many that verbalized were already there.
Amazing experience. I agree with your analysis, 2D to 3D is perfect. Felt good to be somewhere with so many people going through the same thing. To hear from the presenters who went through very tough issues and got through it to successful marriages.
My beautiful wife, looks even prettier, the sky looks sharper, a fog that existed for 8 months is lifting.
A lot of work to do and go from here on out, but what a start.
I plan to tell as many people as I can, who need it, about retrouvaille. It truly cannot be explained, it must be experienced.
Lotus- thank you and you were spot on in your advice and answers.
mza8, if you read the websites, talk to people who went, etc, everyone says you must come with an open mind and open heart. I am sure the success rate would rise to some astronomic level if that were the case. I think even those not fully open minded nor hearted should be encouraged to go from what I saw.
I know that answer is a little vague and other than me saying it is worth the effort tenfold. I would say to your W, 19 years together is a lot of time, give it one weekend, heck we'll spend more time than that even dividing our stuff up. Good luck.
TBL now equals "Toward Better Love" M-44 W-42; 2 kids; married 11 years 1st bomb 10-08, reconcile 12-08 2nd bomb 8-09, moving toward reconcile 3-7-10
I know that answer is a little vague and other than me saying it is worth the effort tenfold. I would say to your W, 19 years together is a lot of time, give it one weekend, heck we'll spend more time than that even dividing our stuff up. Good luck.
To add to that - I get the idea of why it needs to be vague because it isn't a 'self-help' and it couldn't be done without your spouse. Also, it is often a last step for many couples, so if it is done wrong, then it would be easy to say, "been there, done that" without really doing it. If I had known all the details, I would've missed the subtle differences. After two days, I probably don't even fully get all the differences.
In some ways, there are parts that those who can't go need to know of (I think). I hope I don't cross a line here on these blogs~
I'm ready for more backslides now, got the energy and reminders to see the bigger picture, I think.
Are you going to be able to make the post sessions, or did you take the videos?
Videos? Didn't know about those? We are trying to go locally to posts (because of someone watching kids we had to go to different weekend farther away). But locally posts are already going on and will not redo any missing ones for several months.
I would like to know more about the videos.
Last edited by TBL; 03/08/1007:39 PM.
TBL now equals "Toward Better Love" M-44 W-42; 2 kids; married 11 years 1st bomb 10-08, reconcile 12-08 2nd bomb 8-09, moving toward reconcile 3-7-10
TBL, it sounds like an amazing experience. Wow, 30 other couples. I think the fact that 28 of the 30 couples were willing to work on their M by the end of the weekend speaks for itself. Truly amazing indeed.
I would like to convince my W to go. Yes, 19 years is a long time. I'll keep trying. My concern is exactly what OTMT says that W could see it as "been there, done that and I tried" type of scenario. Are the counseling couples very convincing that the weekend is about the here and now and not the past?
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
It is about the past, the present and mostly, about the future. The presenting couples, or the team, does all the presenting. They tell about their lives, their problems, their success in healing their marriages. They are not counselors. They do not ask you questions about your life. You and your wife speak to each other, separate and away from all the other people. This is not counseling. It is not group therapy. You and your wife do all the "work" on your own. But you all come together to hear the presentations from the presenting couples.
As Mountaintop and TBL say, it is the experience. It is a process that they bring you through. It is not the same as marital counseling. Many people do Retrovaille, and then still go to MC afterwards. Check the website, www.helpourmarriage.org for more information. Particularly look at the page on the 4 Stages of Marriage. This is something you can show your wife. Ask her to go there with you.
TBL and OTMT, I am so glad that you found hope reason for hope at RV. It sounds like a very effective process to create an opening for change. And now for the changing part...I wish you both strength and courage.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I would say the RV, in my opinion isn't about change of the marriage as much as it is change of the environment in the marriage.
The activities we worked on hit some real sore spots for me AND my wife. They didn't cause any change, but they made me want to change. Now that we better understand the problem's effect on our R, I can choose to ignore it, or change in some way.
The skills from the other books I've read and things I've heard hear are going to be the key (I think) to making lasting changes.
If you are going to go, check the site Lotus gave you soon because the dates and locations could be a real arguing point for your W (it's too far, too long, etc.).
Let her know this, the presenting couple had been married for 40 years. The wife said she had bad a marriage and just accepted it that way. She said her only regret is that she lived so poorly for so long, when she could've been happy with her husband (as she is now).
I can't say my W and I will succeed for sure, on Sat there was one point I had to leave the room for a 2 minute walk because of some cultural and language issues that I couldn't handle. By Sunday, just one day later, I am so glad I came back, but the weekend is now over. I do, however, feel much more courage and desire to make it work.
As your W is the WAW, maybe (think carefully) you could let her know that you will not fight her over the D if she is willing to try the weekend with the post sessions? There was one woman who said on the last day that she was just glad she came at all, because she wasn't going to. Or maybe instead of MC.
The weekend was definately not about the past, but it included acceptance of the past. The discussions were based on what it is like now for H and W. Best thing compared to MC, there is no way that anyone will validate you over your W's POV.
