IF the sins were past -- and not continually recurring over and over and over again -- I could more easily have put them behind me before now. Oh, well...
I'm beginning to think it is just my lot in life to have xW continually be a thorn in my side. If I am to have any sort of meaningful role in my S's lives, she will be there to always taint it.
Case in point: this Friday, S9 and I are slated for a cub scout camping activity at Myrtle Beach, a big reward to our pack for all the hard work in our fund-raisers. Well, xW is not only going to show up down there right after, she's going to take custody of the boys and immediately head over to an amusement park -- her, S9, S5 and OM. It's like she now insists on trying to overshadow my time with our S's and watering down our time together with one-upmanship shenanigans.
I'm letting it slide, but it goes to show how lowly she will sink now. For the same reason, she wants to know everything I have planned for myself and my S's during vacation times, throughout the remainder of the year. Ostensibly this would be so she can figure out what weeks they will need for daycare or not -- but it becomes more apparent she really just wants to continue to horn in on my time with my S's.
I talked to the PC about this too during our meeting last week, and he merely shrugged his shoulders. But then he's proven to be so clueless on so many basic moral tenets that I now take his lack of understanding regarding this one issue to be just more blindness on his part. (I can just about write him off now, as he not only lacks neutrality but he is a bit worse: lacking any real moral authority. For some time now I have given him the benefit of a doubt and heeded his advice, but then he went and put his foot squarely in his mouth. That's unfortunate.)
On a lighter note, I've had some time to reflect on all this. I think I am in a much better place now. Yes. I do have some anger, but that's okay. As long as I do not let it consume me as I work it out of my system, I should be okay. I will allow my anger to work it's way and pass through me -- and I will "sin no more", so-to-speak.
And since I have given up on any hope of making peace with xW, I feel a burden is lifted from me. It is not my responsibility, not anymore. Just like my M, I gave it my best shot. The WAS only wants to maintain hostilities, so as to justify her treacherous and selfish behaviors, whatever the real costs. If she hurts my S's that will be entirely on her head -- I have done all I can to either prevent or attenuate her actions on behalf of myself and our S's. I can see now I have been taking on more than was in my power to affect.
I guess I am finally figuring out that the Serenity Prayer also applies here as well. If one tries to make peace and still your enemy insists on conflict, then you're no longer under any obligations to keep beating that dead horse, even if you know it would be best for everyone concerned, including your children. It takes two to tango, as they say.
I'm not sure why I am being so dense that it takes this long for it to sink in. My best guess is that I have allowed my emotions to get the better of me.
In any event, I had a great time with my S's this weekend. Beautiful weather! Perfect for bike riding.
