Round 2, I cannot tell you whether or not he is looking for a new wife or not, but he has a pattern of moving on to other "mates". Whether he marries again, no one can predict that outcome for you. As for midlife? He's exhibiting a lot of the signs and stressors that would put him in that particular "pool" of folks.
His childhood was a dreadful one from your description and it's any wonder he's searching for answers and has never navigated the life transitions that he should have years ago. I can only say this....his life has been one crisis after another and now w/his grandmother's passing, has to re-evaluate where he is today, where he came from and where he will go from here. I suspect this will be humdinger of a crisis for him since he apparently didn't complete the others ones along the way.
He definitely has parent issues, but more so w/mommy. Why? Because he's admitted to you that something you've done sets triggers off and reminds him of his mother. Do you know which triggers he was referring to? I'm curious to know what those triggers were.
You've doing the correct things by allowing him space and time. He needs to know that you are there as a friend, w/no expectations from him. He needs to see that you are independent and comfortable w/living your life to the fullest whether he comes back or not. All I can offer up is that you need to be patient, compassionate and allow God to work on him. Prayers would help as he's going to need quite a few of them during this journey.
I would urge you to keep the focus on you and your family as you are going to have to be the strong and sane one, and yes, both parents right now. Do get the book that I suggested. It's an excellent read.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I will get the book. I have purchased many during this short journey from Dec 2nd until now. He moved out the 12th of Dec.
The triggers would be, 'controlling'. Which I can understand no one likes to have situations or their lives controlled. I began to fall into this as a way of trying to FIX him and us...when he was 'using' or whatever.
I have learned alot in Alanon about this as well as my co dependent books. I have worked on the past 14 months. I was more so this way before he left the 1st time. He had seen many changes in me during those 2 months he had gone, it bothered him that I was OKAY without him and could manage life and the kids... he told me this later... he said he wanted what "I Had" he saw me at peace with things, etc even though he had left me. This was the strength and grace of God. I leaned on HIM then and HE helped me through that time as HE is now.... My H saw that and wanted to the same... When he came home the 1st time, we went to Church, counseled with Pastor and he was becoming a changed Man before my very eyes, but then POOF it was gone, just like that, he turned his back on wanting to attend church, counseling, etc, became very short tempered with the kids again, etc....
I continue to work on me and I know he sees the changes as he has already mentioned that, I do it for ME, not him, he knows this as well. I am not trying to WIN him back, because I know its a different show all together this time. I know he is GONE for a very long time this time, IF he ever comes back. I have Faith and the rest is in GODs hands.
Thanks for your advice. I really really appreciate it.
I have to hand it to you, you sound very calm and your feet are planted firmly on the ground. God will watch over him and guide him, just as he is doing w/you.
They all have issue with controlling. They don't stop to think that there comes a time when they let things slide or begin doing things that take their minds off of the general day-to-day stuff, that we then have to pick up the slack in order to ensure that everything is completed and paid for along the way. In some ways, we become mothers and fathers to the spouses who tend to get swallowed up in crisis. It's rather sad when you stop to think about it. All they had to do is tell us that we are making them uncomfortable and that they will do their "chores" when they can. Unfortunately, none of us comes w/a crystal ball that we can pull out from time to time.
All I can do is say hang in there. Watch, listen and be patient.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have a question that I have been wondering about, maybe you can shed some light:
As I read, I learn that once the MLC'er comes out of replay he/she mourns/grieves the OW/OM?
When they drop the BOMB on us, we grieve/mourn the LOSS of the H/W we once knew and or the loss of the marriage.
Do THEY EVER grieve/mourn US? the LBS's? or are we are our 5,10,20+ years with them, something to them that is just not worth grieving?
I just find it ODD that they can be with this OW/OM for a period of 1,2,3 years or whatever the case is and when they decide to leave or are left, there is a mourning/grieving time for us to be aware of that they MUST go through....?
Remember that in the MLC'ers mind you are the source of all their pain. That is why they are looking to the OM/OW or to D you. I would say that the grieving from OM/OW withdrawl is more to the fact that this quick fix did not work. If they grieve the loss of the LBS it would be after replay if they have done so much damage that they can not recover their life.
I have heard great things about you from HB, she suggested our situations may be the same given we both have kids.
I am doing my best to focus on me and not H. Taking care of my kids, everything, while he is off playing single.. Argh! He is filing D.. this is round 2 for us, he came for 14 months and left again, this time actually doing paperwork, wasnt until I stated I wanted Child Support taken out of his check that the hurry for it slowed a bit or maybe its just because he is sick. He left after dropping the bomb in Dec 09 and moved out the 12th of Dec. Guess making sure he brought in his new year without us I look forward to chatting with you and maybe sharing some advice with eachother, sucks to be here, but if we can learn and grow from it. good for us. at least were not insane.
