I'm here...by the grace of God.

[ginab1966]

Kat:

I wasn't mad about hte tranparency but I was mad because this isn't a "good for goose/good for gander" transparency. when he tells me stuff like this he fully expects me to be "ok" with it and just be happy he told me. If I then followed up and said "Can I see your phone/text records, etc" he would've not been happy at all and would have melted down. However, if I had told him OM texted me, there wouldn't have been a question about my transparency. He would've gone right on my computer and looked. He and I don't share the same level of transparency, unfortunately. Also, he's a computer geek and I feel that even if he gave me the access, he could have other hard drives I don't know about, etc. Right now, obviously, there are still very serious trust issues.

Don't think that I don't know that I'm luckier than most. I guess I'm just still unsure of this transparency thing. I am a complete open book but in the past, even when he says he's been open, I find out he was hiding things where I couldn't find them. I did too, that is why I'm being so open and honest wtih him. I even told him about my struggels that I'm having over contacting OM.

Ahhhhh, it's just so hard to explain. Sooo complicated. WE've both done a lot of horrible things to each other and trust has always been an issue since the beginning of our marriage. It's the biggest issue we have. It's going to take a lot of conistancy to help build the trust. But I know my heart and I know that I want this marriage to work. Today and the last few days have just been a real struggle.

Thanks a lot for your respons...

gina B