WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

Just got this from H and am fighting back tears and feel like getting sick...

"You and I have come to an impass, and your right how could we possibly make decision in regards to our children when we especially me cannot be cival.

I will no long presue this joint custody issue with you at this time. Until which time you and I can be cival with one another. I do ask you if your willing to send me a I guess I can refer to it as a update weekly on major issues or accomplishments that our children have. The day to day decision making I will not interfer in. I trust your judgement.

Now as a curtousy to you I will explain my intensions and plans for the future. The divorce papers have been filed. Yes our children met OW 2 weekends ago. I say to you this OW is apart of my life now and my children always will be, you need not worry that I would do anything to harm or confuse our kids, all I did was introduce her as daddys friend , nothing more I did not act in a inappropriate manner with them in my care nor will I ever. As for my plans in aug I will be moving to the us until which time OW can find a job in canada.

At which time her and I will be returning to Canada as for my visitation with our kids, the first few months after I move will be busy as I have to seek employment there so I may not be able to take the kids as often as I like but as soon as I do find work I will fully resume our verbal argreement of taking them every second weekend, this will take place in Canada until which time you and I can agree upon longer visits.

No more harsh words, I will respect you as long as you respect me.


Our kids come first!"

My heart is breaking to see the plans in black and white... So much for being detached.. OMG.. she's staying with him.. and going to relocate for him???

I feel like I've lost everything again.. best friend... soul mate.. lover..

I'm trying not to fall to pieces cuz I'm at work but it hurts so darned much I can't stop crying...

I didn't think he could file D without the custody and separation agreement in place... could he be just trying to hurt me by faking all of the above?

I'm hurting sooo much right now I can't breathe!

[DiamondGirl]

Can he get a job in the US so easily?? I feel like I'm crumbling to pieces right now...

[DiamondGirl]

Why won't she just go away??? What kind of psychologist would do this?? Stay with someone like this??

This hurts sooo bad... I can't handle this on top of being tired and feeling the way I have all week...

[Golfgirl1]

I would recommend looking at the 7 stages of grief. The past few weeks have been really difficult, after a pretty good few months. However, I had contact with my stbxh and it shook me up. You will move through these stages in this journey and no one can predict the time it will take.

The OW is there as a 'band aid' or 'solution' to his unhappiness, but he doesn't know that and might never know that. She's going to be there for awhile. Mine's been with the OW for probably about a year now. You'll have to wait her out if you want to try and save your marriage and who knows how long that will be? It's your journey now and your life, what do you want to do? Focus on you, hang out with supportive friends, breathe, and take it one day at a time. Last summer I didn't think I was going to live and I've come so far, all of us on this board have. You'll make it, but it will be the hardest thing you ever do in your life.

[DiamondGirl]

Could this be a text baiting? An attempt to just get back at me and hurt me cuz he knows I still love him?

I have no clue how to take this note...

Not responding to it either.... But I'm spinning and trying to figure out where the truth is in it...

[Mila]

My heart goes out to you Diamondgirl. Believe me I know that the pain and the unfairness of it all is unbearable. We love them so much and this is what they do.

Try not to get into his head, it's not helpful, you have to deal with the facts as he serves them now.

That doesn't mean that you have to give up hope, that's up to you. But remember, things change and there is always hope if you choose to believe. But you also have to be realistic and allow in your mind for the possibility that this is it. It will free you. And if/when he comes back you can deal with it then.

Be strong and take care of YOU and the KIDS, you will get through this!!!!!

[DiamondGirl]

I've decided that nothing has changed as far as I am concerned.

I don't think he filed for D.. he couldn't last time he tried to without the separation agreement or custody docs completed.. so I don't think that's changed.

He may have discovered that to file for custody now in my province you have to provide a plan for how you will raise the children and in special needs' cases, which specialists are involved. H hasn't a clue on that as I have done everything to date for our son.

I knew he intended to move to the US... I think seeing it in black and white threw me..

I didn't think OW would move to Canada, but I'm not sure she actually will go through with it... She'd have to sell her house, leave her sons (though they are grown) in the US, her job..

I don't think his finding a job in the US will be as easy as he thinks.. especially without a work visa or green card..

And working in Canada for her would be easier, but still maybe not as easy as they are imagining...

It still sucks that she is still in the picture... I am sorely tempted to give in to my baser instincts and make her life a living h3ll in many ways... but I won't.. cuz despite everything I have been through in my life, I've never taken the easy route, and that would be too easy...

My H is very persuasive, charming and manipulative right now.. the fact that she's putting up with his chit shows that..

[DiamondGirl]

My mood right now is still fluctuating.. because even though I mean the post I just sent, I'm emotionally tired of the rollercoaster.. and I feel as if I've lost him for good already.. And I guess I'm still grieving because it really, really hurts to feel that I have...Cuz what was wrong with our marriage was fixable.. and MLC isn't mine to fix..

I just can't find peaceful feelings today.. I'm so sad and down..

[flowmom]

DG, hugs to you. It can feel like every new piece of information from the WAH is a new bomb going off that triggers the feelings of devastation and hopelessness.

I just ordered this book:

The Journey From Abandonment To Healing by Susan Anderson. Hoosiermama recommended it and I got it. It is really good. Very helpful and hopeful.

Glad you're finding it helpful.

What flowmom is describing is discussed in the book as "internalizing the rejection." It's a necessary step in the process of healing--and it's temporary. Just as there are identifiable stages of grief after a death or many other losses, there's also an identifiable journey thru stages of grief after being left by someone you love. For me, it's been extremely helpful to know that while I periodically revisit the "internalizing" stage, that my thoughts and feelings while I am there will pass, and are part of my own internal processing--and not necessarily "reality." WE are not defective, "less than," worthless just because we may have been told that. Eventually you'll get in touch with your anger and rage and that energy will carry you away from this negative self-perception. This stage is a way of "embracing the suck," grasping how much our world has changed in a way we didn't want it to. And if we don't want to come back to this stage over and over and over for the rest of our lives, we have to feel this awful pain in order to move out of it again.

Remember that regarding the D, it's not something that your H will be able to do by himself. It's a process and he is living in a dream world.

Him leaving for a while will be hard on your kids but it will be good for YOU. It gives you a chance to solidify, GAL, and make the changes that you need to make to feel strong enough to deal with him when he comes back.

I'm going to see a lawyer as soon as I figure out who. Have you seen one? You need to deal with that ASAP. At this point you cannot afford to be in an information vaccuum about how D works. You need someone in your corner.

[DiamondGirl]

I've been thinking a lot overnight (I know.. dangerous)... and am wondering if H going to school funded by monies he would not be allowed since it was based on his living at home with our financial responsibilities is a form of cake eating?

Isn't my standing back and allowing that to happen enabling him to a certain extent?

I admit part of my feelings stem from anger which is why I am exploring the idea without doing anything right now... (trying to learn the 48 hour rule)

Basically he is obtaining skills on the ashes of our marriage to use in his "new life" with OW... What benefit would I receive from him continuing to do so? Pretty much none since by his actions and words so far, I'm getting next to nothing money wise from him...

MLC is a gamble and there is no guarantees that he is going to come out of this at all...

And something Jack said on another post yesterday struck a chord... He basically said that by the time the MLCer comes out, the LBS is farther ahead emotionally...

In looking back, I think I've always been farther ahead than H.. and our marriage was spent, to a large degree, with me adjusting to compensate for H's emotional shortcomings (job losses due to him quitting, my taking the reins all the time because he didn't know how to motivate himself..)

Part of me wonders if I could go back to doing that again.. But maybe because I'm changing and developing boundaries that wouldn't happen.. If it did, I don't know that I would want that kind of marriage again..