tta needs to attack complacency and passive aggressive tendencies to break the cycle. And this cycle happens very quickly between them. Which I agree with her Mother on.
Hi TTA - I hope you aren't reading this yet, so you can really benefit from being at your other home in the south...but if you are, hope everything is going well~
I'm copying from my thread a couple ideas I got from Retrouville I thought might be something to consider. Before that, I want to say 100% if your husband is afraid to go, I can offer my email address to you if he has questions. Having seen 2 couples that remind me of your story (except the ADHD), I am sure now more than ever you can make it work IF you and he want to.
Anyhow: "It wasn't an opposite approach that DB, but it works very well with my POV here on the blog. I believe that the emotional state of myself and my W was a critical component that needs mending.
Lots of the advice here is about GAL or to detatch. RV is not about that at all. In fact, it is against it in one way.
The idea of GAL/detatching is that you work on you, ignoring the other. RV tells us that we GAL to attach, not to detach emotionally to the spouse.
I'm now seeing the idea of GAL as written in DB, I think, more as the author intended it. When a S leaves, you need to not attach ONE sided to a spouse (cling, pursue), but rather find ways to attach together. In many situations here, the other spouse is out of the picture, so this might not be possible.
Detatchment might be to allow healing and growth from the experience.
At some point though, I think both spouses might get into piecing, and that is where RV has it's impact. It also might make some couples ready to patch up their marriage and deal with the hurt and trust issues.
Instead of saying, you hurt me and now you need to make ME trust you, RV seems to be (so far) saying that I need to find reasons to trust YOU by communicating together in safe, controlled emotional ways.
There are things we have to do at home, though, and with patience and prayer, I hope I can do it and more at home at a slower pace for her.
I'm still in a 'shell-shocked' mode, having a real emotional rollercoaster. I also felt a few moments of love, something I am now sure I have NEVER felt for my W until now.
So it was worth it. Anyone reading - consider going. It will hurt much, much more if a D happens. But it will be worth it because I really feel I have truly tried every approach.
DB: Work on me Book reading: Communication, understanding her POV and history RV: The emotional connection."
I hope this gives you more hope.
I know the majority of the advice is to GAL, and I'm not saying don't because your H is still away. I'm saying that GAL makes you "married singles", and I now believe that there are limits that are important to a marriage one can't pass when they are trying to break connections.
Your H knows he needs and loves you. For you, the RV weekend might be best for you both to share your emotions each day while you are separated, and eventually together.
