feel like giving up - pt 2

[flowmom]

Happy belated birthday luvless!

You're awfully mysterious about your birthday activities . Sounds like they were fun and piqued your H's interest.

[luvless]

Thanks Flo

Interesting husband behavior yesterday. I got home in the early afternoon and he went to a "meeting" so I didn't see him which was a good thing so I could unpack from the night before.

He came home 4 hrs later and he seemed in an ok mood. Kids said, "dad we're going to dinner" he said, "oh good." We went and had a nice dinner and some beers. He made a couple comments at the table I found weird. No I'm not mindreading but I have to post them so I could look back for reference.

At the table D kept texting and H said, "can you please put that away." He kept saying it to her off and on. Then says, "do you want me to start texting cuz I will?" D says to him "so you can text your girlfriend?" (ouch) then he pointed to me and said, "my girlfriend's right there." He also said, "so hun what did you do last night..where'd you go?" I didn't answer I just changed the subject.

He was generally nice at the table. He wasn't making any snide remarks as usual. He talked about a new job offer and asked the kids if they are ready to move? Oh and you know what I thought was interesting? He was telling me how he was tired of the traveling and being away from home so much. That it is nice and all (the hotels and fancy dinners) but it's wearing on him. I was glad to hear this.

We went home to watch UP. He said, "oh you're gonna love this movie Luv." He goes into kitchen where there are a bunch of ants so he says, "I'll get um don't worry" and I'm looking around he says, "whatta u need sweetie?" - he hasn't called me that in a long long time. Maybe just a slip but still.

He sat on the couch and was asking me once again about where I was at last night and what did I do? He says, "do you think I'm stupid? I saw your razor gone and your toothbrush too." I evaded the questions.

Heres one last thing - H went to lie down in our bed last night (he's been on the couch for 3 weeks) He left the living room for a bit and I thought he was in the bathroom and getting his blankets to come sleep on the couch but when I went in the room he was in the bed.

Luv lives in the WAS world and is tired of it!

[mindfull]

Why weren't you telling him where you were on your birthday evening?

[Gnosis]

Luv, push the resentment and hurt aside for the next ten minutes and re-read your post above. Open your eyes and LOOK. Look and see if you can see what I do.

I would have told him what you did for your birthday the third time he asked. You don't want to give him the wrong ideas. It's OK to be mysterious and it worked. You got his attention then and you have his attention now.

He is trying to reconnect. Now it's up to you to decide. So sit down and have a long think if you want him or not. You have a small window of opportunity here if you do want to reconcile and save your M.

The decision is now yours to make.

[talia]

Luv,
FWIW - I agree with Gnosis - you got his attention and he's trying to reach out. Make sure you don't lose the opportunity to reach back - assuming you still want it

Read your post again - I hope you see what we see - Progress!!

T

[luvless]

Mind - I just didn't answer because I didn't feel he needed to know. Besides, isn't he the one who said, "Luv I don't care get that through your head" so if he doesn't care he shouldn't ask.

I am not trying to be mysterious I just wanted the one day to be away and not have to answer to anyone - like he does. I won't be doing that again - I just did it to make a point - point taken - it bothered him - my goal accomplished.

G - you tend to give Mr Luv too much credit. I must say I do not believe he is trying to reconnect. I am not going to try and read into it I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing - being nice but distant and living for me!

I would need to see true remorse for what he's done. I just don't see that happening. If it does I'd be more than happy to work on my marriage and forgive him. If he thinks we are going to continue in this limbo "luvless" marriage I REFUSE.

I know I have some serious thinking to do....

[4luv]

Luv,

Please listen to G. Your husband is trying to reconnect. I am not minimizing your hurt...but your husband hurts also. Two hurt people in a marriage. You are waiting for him to SHOW true remorse. your idea of remorse and his idea can be COMPLETELY different. I think it would be beneficial for you both to go to a GOOD FAMILY THERAPIST because by reading your posts it seems as their is a solid foundation but you BOTH have to LEARN how to forgive and COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY.

[Gnosis]

You are waiting for him to SHOW true remorse. your idea of remorse and his idea can be COMPLETELY different. I think it would be beneficial for you both to go to a GOOD FAMILY THERAPIST because by reading your posts it seems as their is a solid foundation but you BOTH have to LEARN how to forgive and COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY.

Ditto.

[luvless]

Ok I will consider maybe he was "trying." I will just keep doing what works...right?

I'll be nice

[Gnosis]

Luv this is the most important thing:

COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY - Because you both suck at that.

When he is talking about a future move to a new job with you guys... it means he wants his family.
When he comes come early - two nights in a row... means that's where he really wants to be.
When he puts his blackberry away and tells D to put hers away... it means he wants to spend uninterrupted time with his family

When his family is busy pushing him away he is going to feel rejected and hopeless. YES, THIS IS HIS OWN DOING... I understand that. Yes, these are the consequences for his actions, I understand that too.

But if your dog chews up your slippers -- you can punish him by leaving him without food for the night. But if you carry on depriving him of food he has a choice:

(a) starve to death or (b) leave home and search in the trashcans for scraps of food.

Which choice do you think the dog is going to make?

EDIT: To be clear we're talking about an animal here not your H.