Glad I got to Retrouvaille. The religious focus was stronger than I expected, but Catholic and my own/Islamic values have enough in common that it wasn't uncomfortable at all. The only two negatives were the hotel room wasn't great, and there was a lot of repeating. The repetion probably was needed for me or others, but it was dry that way.
Otherwise - Wow.
Thanks to all those who've helped keep me going long enough to get this far, and to suggest it in the first place.
In no way are the problems we have done. In many of the activities, W had problems following the directions/understanding the questions and while she was offered help, she refused.
Small fights on the way home, but important ones, reminded me that I need to keep working. The RV weekend has 9 more sessions to go to. Babysitting is going to be an issue, but I'm hopeful we'll make them.
It wasn't an opposite approach that DB, but it works very well with my POV here on the blog. I believe that the emotional state of myself and my W was a critical component that needs mending.
Lots of the advice here is about GAL or to detatch. RV is not about that at all. In fact, it is against it in one way.
The idea of GAL/detatching is that you work on you, ignoring the other. RV tells us that we GAL to attach, not to detach emotionally to the spouse.
I'm now seeing the idea of GAL as written in DB, I think, more as the author intended it. When a S leaves, you need to not attach ONE sided to a spouse (cling, pursue), but rather find ways to attach together. In many situations here, the other spouse is out of the picture, so this might not be possible.
Detatchment might be to allow healing and growth from the experience.
At some point though, I think both spouses might get into piecing, and that is where RV has it's impact. It also might make some couples ready to patch up their marriage and deal with the hurt and trust issues.
Instead of saying, you hurt me and now you need to make ME trust you, RV seems to be (so far) saying that I need to find reasons to trust YOU by communicating together in safe, controlled emotional ways.
Since my W had problems with language barriers, and a couple cultural ones, we didn't get as much yet.
There are things we have to do at home, though, and with patience and prayer, I hope I can do it and more at home at a slower pace for her.
I'm still in a 'shell-shocked' mode, having a real emotional rollercoaster. I also felt a few moments of love, something I am now sure I have NEVER felt for my W until now.
So it was worth it. Anyone reading - consider going. It will hurt much, much more if a D happens. But it will be worth it because I really feel I have truly tried every approach.
DB: Work on me Book reading: Communication, understanding her POV and history RV: The emotional connection.
