So he was aggravated you messed up your computer, he went all "computer guy" on you, but used it as a "reason" why your R is hopeless and his behavior justified?
I don't know. They don't want to give hugs when they get the stress chemical going through them, but yes it to me is also obvious that it would help. But I'm female. But for males, this stress chemical I think it makes them feel "fight or flight" and women feel "tend and befriend." Or at least that's what I read.
Your H CAN change his hairtrigger if he believes he can and works on it. He can also learn not to rub stuff in your face. You might have to train yourself in the short term to hear these "nothing's going to change" speeches as "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." They hurt because they mean he is threatening to leave you. But he may just be blowing off steam. Try to view it as that. Not to excuse it or settle for it in the longterm. To try to reframe it as tolerable for the short-term.
Interesting about suggesting the plane ride as an outing. Curious to see if he takes S or goes it alone because plane represents his freedom and man time or whether it is the perfect idea and he will want to show off his toy.
What is all the risk and danger talk about this computer? Does he keep his important files on there? Aren't they with him at his apartment?
I would not want to share a computer AT ALL with your H. Can you have a separate one? If you mess up your own computer, it should be your loss of files, your problem. I don't get all the risk and danger talk from his end. Sounds rigid, compulsive or like it could have a separate computers workaround. Is it some "you've compromised the network" b.s.? Maybe then you want off the network.
Good god Hun what on earth did you do? Believe me I can IT cross impressions when people do foolish things but berating them as stupid is definitely not correct customer service skills he'd be sacked for that at work.
Echo RR perhaps you need your own laptop or he needs to get his stuff off it, can understand if it's linked into his job but it your home and he should have that separate!
If you want message me on the alt and I'll try to give you some suggestions or at least let you know if he is over dramtising things
Huge hugs Rabbit
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
It's the thing that if I get a virus, somebody could get my passwords and then bank accounts and credit card info and such. I can get my own computer that's a good idea. But trust me, it will be something else. It has been my driving, etc.
To me the problem is the "see you'll never change and neither will I" kind of blame I can't stand. And that the conversaion evolves into things that are hurtful to me sch as him saying "This sucks. I hate these conversations. The way to end these is for you to not do what you did or don't talk to me about it or I avoid you." No willingness to look at the way he talks to me. That is not important to him. He thinks that's "my problem" if I get upset.
I should have walked away. I got baited and sucked in again. I'm so tired of feeling rejected and like I have to be perfect to win him back. He doesn't even have any idea i feel that way.
My 180 should be to walk away. That's what I'll have to do.
No no no! I think it was time to tell him to speak to you respectfully or shut the f... up.
How often do you check your virus checker has run? Try and check it once a week if you can! If some one manages to download a keylogger they could get the info. Our bank account was hacked as you know but we still dint know how.
He needs to stop making you responsible for his fears! We all fear things but we don't take those fears out on each other, and before you think it It wasn't your fault for not checking! (())
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
H4L: "This sucks. I hate these conversations. The way to end these is for you to not do what you did or don't talk to me about it or I avoid you."
This is the kind of common, depressive fatalism I fear my H has. No larger world view such as no, just you work on this and I'll work on that and soon the small amount of work two people do will amount to success. If you're wedded to fatalism or pessimism or narrow failure world view or fear, you can't see a bigger picture. Nothing you can do about this.
H4L said: I'm so tired of feeling rejected and like I have to be perfect to win him back. He doesn't even have any idea i feel that way.
I don't know if sharing that or not is counter-productive at this time. Might be more fuel for the kneejerk pessimism. Hate to say that. But he seems to be in a see? that's proof! mood lately. So maybe less kindling. Is MC too much for him to digest so quickly do you think?
I just get upset when I hear the blame and run away scenario! But you're right I don't need to let it get me down. It's HIS fatalism. It just sucks so much because it feels like he's smugly waiting for me to change everything and then jumps on every little thing.
Well we have MC today =- wondering if I should bring it up. On the one hand I think it's healthy for me to stand my ground and communicate my boundaries - that I feel criticized and blamed. ON the other hand, you may be right, he may just be too wrapped up in his own hurt right now to look at himself. You may be right, it may be too early for him to hear these things. Thanks for the perspective.
