This is NOT about the "things" you've mentioned, Cyclone, this is about control, and control that's been lost through your changes.
A big part of the MLC'er thrives on having control of all things, at a certain point when changes are made within the LBS the MLC'er cannot "control" that 'dam' breaks, and the tantrum is thrown.
Again, stand your ground, this will pass, and you'll see the change when it does.
Sorry to keep posting like this, but as I submitted one post more things came, and more of the same here.
Keep us posted, and good luck.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thanks for checking on my thread HB and I appreciate your words of encouragement.
Originally Posted By: HeartsBlessing
What she is doing, also, is throwing a fit because you will not allow her to "get her way"; much like a three year old that says "MINE", and you say, "No, you have to share." They throw a fit, but it makes NO difference. In time, they learn to share with others...bad analogy, but I hope you get what I mean by this.
I get this completely; exactly what it feels like. My 7 and 10 year olds do the same thing. I think this is one of the things I am meant to learn. I have been too much of a softie and give in too easily. That's part of how I lost myself.
As an analytical person, I am just having a hard time dealing with the irrational thought process that she uses. I'm wearing a hole through my tongue I am biting it so much. There are still times when I find myself trying to explain to her, but it doesn't work. It is really helpful to hear of your similar experience and to know that it will eventually pass. Hard to see that at the moment but I am patient.
Me: 43 W: 40 S10,S7 M12, T13+
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1952314&page=1
I am actually going through the "shakes" coming back into the thread to check it....it seems I'm on the right track with your situation; and it seems right that I post what I'm seeing in this as follows....and the answers as they were last night and are today, being "poured" into me like water.
This is YOUR situation, not anyone else's. I posted what I saw in my husband, more for information on ME, than anything else...has NOTHING to do with what I'm seeing on you and your wife.
It was a strange thing coming in here last night for me, Cyclone; it was like I was dragged into this thread last night to look at it because I "knew" I would have a clear answer for you...I don't know how else to explain it. There was NOTHING about the title that indicated what was happening; I just knew I had to come in, that it was "time" to answer. All I can figure it that this phase is close to ending, and you must have been having a few second thoughts; the path is apparently "set" for you and your wife. I still say God works in mysterious ways; and He works things on His timetable, certainly not mine. He does send people in when a path is set in stone, and meant to come forward.
I had not read the answers that were already here, I was just focused on what you posted. I read the other answers after I posted. Each person sees this in so many different ways; yet there's times when He will bring me in, but will not allow me to look at what someone else has posted in answer, until my own answer has gone up. I do have "help" with this...and when I first came back, I was having a lot of trouble "seeing" like I did before...and it scared me. I haven't done a whole lot of posting on other's threads this time, partly because of that trouble; and partly because, at times, I'm having trouble accessing what I was able to do before. It's been around 8 years since I was here in what, at times, seems to be another life. And, in a way it WAS another life.
It's getting easier, but at the same time, I'm being "eased" back into this again, if that makes any sense at all.
I've been praying for the help I'd had in times past, and praying that what I say/advise will not cause MORE damage to people; as in raising their hopes, then dashing them.
As I read your initial post, I recognized the pattern, and answers started coming left and right for literally out of nowhere. And a certainty that this will break if you stand your ground, and do not move; believe it or not when she breaks, things WILL get better and move forward, easing the pressure off both of you...don't know how I know that, but I do. As you well know, it depends on her, but this is one of the times in this when you have to endure the storm, to come through, and things change for the better.
This battle, as you also know, is more of a spiritual/emotional type battle than what meets the eye at ANY given time, MORE SO when the latter stages are being reached.
It's a time of "sweeping change" in both parties. And a turning point on her part, WHEN the storm breaks in her.
You will know when the storm breaks, Cyclone, you'll see her coming toward you, she may apologize, she may reach out for you...and if this follows the pattern I think it will after the storm/tantrum breaks, a period of time will follow, how long I don't know, of relative peace, as she processes some more.
Remain open to her after the storm; she needs to know you're there, and even though it doesn't seem like it, she does need to know you still love her. Even if she doesn't seem to be receptive to it; I went through that with my husband, but it wasn't anything like it had been during the other stages that led into the tantrum. Nothing else is necessary for you to do, except wait and watch, being there when she needs you. And I get that she WILL need you when it is least expected.
I believe she will break after this period of "processing" time, and begin talking to you, it should pour out like a stream, and will scare you at first..but then you'll realize that everything she's felt, experienced, and the realizations she's come to will be brought out on the table for you to see/hear/understand.
The tantrum and the breaking down and revealing oneself, I believe is the first ventures into Acceptance; do not be surprised if she still runs backward a little ways after she talks to you, they go through a "scared" phase, as the revelations are just as scary to them as it is to the LBS.....but after this huge storm is finished, there will NOT be a repeat, assuming that both of you play your parts, and the biggest responsibility will fall on you to be stable, calm, and NO BACKSLIDING on your changes.
May God continue to be with you, both, I am praying that what I've seen and laid out here will come to pass, and that I'm not hearing Him wrong. It's a strong enough feeling that I don't think so, but at the same time, I have a very strong human hope for both of you.
Keep us posted on what happens, Cyclone.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Things have calmed down for the momemt; she's actually been quite friendly and has started talking to me about some of the things going on in her life. Good opportunity to listen and validate her feelings. Things still seem to be unraveling for her. As much as it is painful for me to see this happening to her, I just suck it up and agree with what she is saying and listen, listen, listen.
Me: 43 W: 40 S10,S7 M12, T13+
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1952314&page=1
Things have calmed down for the momemt; she's actually been quite friendly and has started talking to me about some of the things going on in her life. Good opportunity to listen and validate her feelings. Things still seem to be unraveling for her. As much as it is painful for me to see this happening to her, I just suck it up and agree with what she is saying and listen, listen, listen.
Yes, it IS a good opportunity to listen and validate; what she's saying is painful to you because you cannot do anything to help her, she must help herself. More will come, Cyclone; hang in there; no pushing; no "trying to fix"..but you know these things.
You're bringing back many memories for me of the times I spent with my husband in that same situation; him talking, me listening, validating; even though I didn't like what he was saying especially when he brought himself down, saying he was a failure. In my opinion, people FAIL at things, even me, but it doesn't MAKE them a total failure..that is the feeling the MLC'er has within themselves, and they must get past that on their own.
Right or wrong, they and anyone else are entitled to their feelings, and verbalizing the problem to someone they trust is the only way of getting it out in the open, so it doesn't look as bad as one would think. We, as human beings, have a way of "blowing things up" in our heads much bigger than things really are. The process of "purging" gets it out into the open so we can gain a better perspective on the problem; that works much the same for the MLC'er that is "breaking down".
It's ok that things continue to "unravel" for her; this is something SHE must do, and it is good you are there for and with her.
Things should continue to calm down, I hope, bringing an end to this storming that's been going on.
Keep us posted; you and your wife continue to be in my prayers; I've got an assurance things will be all right as time goes on.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I'm not so sure that my W has been in Withdrawal yet. Maybe when she is away, but I think that time is spent with OM.
She is firmly planted in Replay. She spent the weekend away again. This has been the typical cycle - Friday night as soon as I get home from work she takes off and the boys and I don't see her again until Monday afternoon. She sometimes calls in the evenings to talk to the boys before they go to sleep.
The boys and I had a great weekend. Boating and fishing on the lake, baseball, birthday party. It went by too quickly.
Me: 43 W: 40 S10,S7 M12, T13+
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1952314&page=1
If she's still with OM, then you're right, she's still firmly planted in Replay. Well, shoot, it LOOKED like what I'd seen before, Cyclone..if I'm wrong, I'm sorry.
BUT, she could be spending some time on her own, too. It is common for a person in Withdrawal to be locked within, needing to get away to process.
Sometimes things are not what they seem; and time will tell all, and you'll know for sure.
Sounds like you had a great time with your boys, enjoy them while you can, they grow up far too quickly.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
