I'm here...by the grace of God.

[ginab1966]

Hi everyone:

thanks to all for there support and well wishes. They mean so much to me. I sort of wanted to get some thoughts out. Today has been a hard day for me.

I realize that I create stress in my life and in my relationship by creating expectations that my H knows nothing about. I dream up in my head the way things are going to go and then, when they don’t go that way, in my head, he’s let me down and the resentment starts.

Given some of his issues with depression and ADHD, I’m working very hard with our marriage coach to make sure that my expectations of him are workable. Meaning, there are just some things that he’s not capable of dealing with/handling, etc. It’s difficult finding a balance however. The balance between what he can do and is just unwilling to do and what he is really, genuinely challenged with.

That said, my expectations are really about “doing thing” they are situational. Such as the fact that I came home from being away for work for many days. I expected a big old greeting and then lots of questions about my time away and catching up while I unpacked. I even expected a night of intimacy. Well, none of that happened. Not even close. Our DD was giving him a run for his money when I walked in the door and then, since she was mad at me for being away, continued to be a very naughty girl until bedtime. It was one of those very challenging nights of parenting and it was very stressful. When I walked in the door DD came to give big hugs but he only yelled up a “Welcome home honey” from his computer. He was hyper focused on fixing it because DD had just spilled milk all over the keyboard. My husband has a pretty serious computer addiction and in our household this was as bad a situation as we could have. I did my best to manage my disappointment and not say what I was thinking in my head…”My good Lord, it’s just a freakin’ computer. You have 10 other keyboards in a tote somewhere. I just came home from many days away working hard and you can even muster the respect to come up the freakin’ stairs and say HELLO???? WTF”. No, instead, I just greeted daughter and focused soley on her until I was able to go down, give him a hug and tell him that I was sorry his computer was broken. He returned the hug and gave me a big ole’ kiss..told me not to worry, that it was his problem and asked me to just take DD off his hands so he could get the computer going. I obliged but as I crawled into bed with bitter resentment I talked to God praying for that knot in my chest to go away. It did and I came to the realization that, although my husband was wrong in some of his actions, the biggest mistake was the expectation that I laid on the situation. If I never had any expectations of the situation and just took one hour at a time and one thing at a time, I wouldn’t have been disappointed.

In the end, we ended up having a lovely weekend and a date night on Friday. He worked hard to share the housework and childcare with me and we each gave each other alone time to do our own things. We were together as a family all day yesterday and the only disappointing thing was his inability to not play games on his iPhone while we waited for our food at the restaurant. I watch him and think that he’s like a 15 year old. I’m married to a man who is very much like a teenager in so many ways. He’s also says inappropriate things when we are out in public. I’ve come to learn that being in crowds is an anxiety trigger for him and he compensates by being “overt”. He said some very inappropriate things on Friday night when we were out and I was thinking “that’s something a teenager would say”. It’s hard sometimes. But then I think about what an amazing father he is and how hard he’s working on his issues and trying to be a better husband. And I also think I’m also no picnic and come with baggage.

Oh, also he told me the other day that OW texted him. He said he thought it was important that I know and told me what the text said and that he didn’t respond. I just said “Ok” and I didn’t really know how to react honestly. I have to admit that, for some reason, I was immediately angry and thought that if I had told him that OM had texted me I would’ve gotten the silent treatment for days and he would’ve wanted to search through my phone, my computer, etc. I guess it’s just a day by day thing. Feeling our way through it.

Also, and I know I can say this here and not get tomatoes thrown at me, I am compelled to reach out to the other man in the wake of the text and the issue this weekend. It’s amazing how strong the allure is to that “bad” thing. I am so happy that I’m in therapy because I know that this allure is more about sabotaging my life than anything else. Deep down, I don’t believe I deserve happiness. At least I recognize it and I’m dealing with it.

Guess that’s it for now. Just a bit of reflection for a Monday morning.

Peace….Gina B