How (and who) to expose if OP is not married

[Allen A]

He's having an affair, his mood is driving him and he will be UP one day and DOWN the next... don't try to read much out of him right now... he's a complete mess...

Keep up the no contact...

[Allen A]

OK 4luv, why didn't you mention your father was an addiction counsellor? lol

[4luv]

Well its been two days of NC and once I get through today that will be 3! This is the LONGEST I have gone with no contact with husband. I wish i could say that the NC is being initiated by me but he hasn't tried to contact me either. I guess we are both not initiating anything. Lucky for me the weather is GORGEOUS so that always makes the mood upbeat. The only time I did talk to husband was for 1 min yesterday when he called to see how son was and that was it.

I am looking forward to meeting with the counselor tomorrow.

Allen,

In regards to my father...I don't know. I have tried to get my dad to form a relationship with my husband which he was before all this started to happen. I am an only child and my dad does not take kindly to anyone treating me bad. My dad is VERY PROTECTIVE of his family. He has always sad that what should make a man happy is that his wife and children are happy. This is his motto so its hard for my dad to even sympathize or show anything towards my husband right now other than hurt, anger, and disappointment. I tried to tell my dad to keep in contact with my husband for some guidance but my dad just thinks I should stop thinking about husband and let him deal with his own mess. How do I convince my dad otherwise?

[Allen A]

In regards to my father...I don't know. I have tried to get my dad to form a relationship with my husband which he was before all this started to happen. I am an only child and my dad does not take kindly to anyone treating me bad. My dad is VERY PROTECTIVE of his family. He has always sad that what should make a man happy is that his wife and children are happy.

This is a terribly powerful influence you need to tap into if you want your husband to turn around... Your dad sounds like he has very much grown up. This is EXACTLY the kind of MAN your Husband should be hanging OUT with... His position on these matters is downright inspiring... great stuff

Have you tried to explain to him that infidelity is an addiction as much as gambling is an addiction? Is that his position on addicts is to just leave them drown with no help or advice?

Yes, that's rhetorical, I don't expect he does that... and ys I also understand this is different, i actually admire your father, if I had a daughter your age and a man treated her the way your H is treating you I would ahve taken a baseball bat to him by now... I admire your father's restraint, its model behaviour.. you should be very proud of him

This is his motto so its hard for my dad to even sympathize or show anything towards my husband right now other than hurt, anger, and disappointment. I tried to tell my dad to keep in contact with my husband for some guidance but my dad just thinks I should stop thinking about husband and let him deal with his own mess. How do I convince my dad otherwise?

You will need to forgive me here, I am giong to apologize in advance, but I am going to take a SMALL stab at your father here :

Your father and your H are behaving the same way. They are both being stubborn and AVOIDING the responability of protecting YOU properly becuase it HURTS them TOO MUCH to protect you.

Your FATHER CAN protect his daughter better by getting this addict the counselling he needs, either by HIM or presumably anotehr counselor he may know... HELPING your H OVERCOME his addiction is how he PROTECTS his daughter... Your father is being stubborn and AVOIDING this because its too PAINFFUL for him to watch

Your HUSBAND CAN protect his wife better by sending the OW away and putting an END to his addiction.. ENDING is AFFAIR is how he PROTECTS his wife... Your Husband is being stubborn and AVOIDING this because its too PAINFUL for him to watch

Do you see the parallel here? typed the structure of hte paragraphs out closely so you should be able to see it

I suspect your father is limited in two ways :

1. He does NOT view infidelity as an addiction, he thinks your H can just walk away from it easily
2. He finds dealing with this is way too personal and painful for him so he HIDES from it

How do you convince him?

Well, lets look at the two points

1. Educate him on infidelity, give him a COPY of Not Just Friends and ask him to read it.. does he work with jsut drug addicts and such or does he work with impulse control disorers like gambling as well? Eduation is the answer to the first one.. get your F educated about infidelity as much as you can.

2. If its too painful for him... He needs to know three things :

a. You LOSING your husband and the father of your children will HURT YOU a LOT more than how HE feels right now. If your F wants tosee you happy, he needs to edure that pain and help you get yoru marriage back... If HE wants to be happy, his kids need to be happy right? And his kids are happy when their MARRIAGES are happier.. his own logic fixed against him.. there ya go. lol

b. He needs to focus on YOUR pain rather than HIS... he's again doing the same thing as your husband, he's focussing mroe on how miserable HE is and is doing DAMAGE by standing out of it instead of walkign forward and dealing with your H to help him through this mess safely... it WILL HURT HIM, but that hurt he endures will make his CHIDREN happier

c. Your father doens't have to do it himself, he just needs someone educated in infidelity and addiction to sit with your H and talk him back to his senses... get him to man up etc... I ASSUME your father has CONNECTIONS in this area ... connections your HUSBAND can BENEFIT FROM. Your father does NOT have to do this on his own any more than yoru Husband does.... get some HELP that is objective, that fine too...

[jasper67]

Allen's points are spot on.

I myself am in recovery and have been through extensive treatment- not once have I heard about the addictive nature of A's- perhaps b/c no one asked about it.

But if your father is not yet aware of it, do have him brush up on the subject.

I also believe he could be of great assistance.

[Allen A]

This is his motto so its hard for my dad to even sympathize or show anything towards my husband right now other than hurt, anger, and disappointment.

Interestingly enough, these are the same feelings your H AND mb28's husband is feeling...

Your father can let his feelings consume him much like your H and mb28's husband is doing ... OR... Your father can own his respponsabilities to his daughter and do what she NEEDS him to do.

Right?

[Allen A]

The parallel here with your F and these two wayward husband's is just overhwelming... lots of lessons learned here..

And yes, I KNOW its hard, I KNOW how painful this will be for your father, but guess what... that walk of pain is the SAME WALK your H has to walk

And mb28's H for that matter...

All THREE of these men have some work to do.. some painful work, but worthwhile work.

[4luv]

Allen,

WOW...very informative posts and YES I can see the parallel between my dad and husband. I have not explained infidelity as an addiction to my dad but will and I will talk to him and ask him to read Not Just Friends. I plan on talking to my dad tonight.

Just to summarize my plan based on advice this is what I have (I am very much a planner and step oriented person...I am an engineer by trade :-)). I welcome any feedback:

1. Do not pursue husband. Keep up NC unless husband contacts me regarding son.
2. Do not argue or get baited into argument with husband. Listen like a therapist but offer nothing.
3. Go to FT alone first and pass information on regarding future appointments with husband. Make it his choice to attend sessions or not.
4. Get HUSBAND some POSITIVE male influences...my dad hopefully.
5. Encourage my dad to form a relationship with husband and treat him as he would an addict. Have dad SHOW husband what being a MAN is.

Allen in one of your posts you said that husband is following the path of his father. This is sooo true and one of the things that was shocking and scary to husband when he was talking to his dad's ex-wife and she was telling him about his father.

My biggest hurdle right now is to convince my dad to keep talking to my husband. My dad can be VERY stubborn but I will ask him to do it for me :-)

[Allen A]

The thing that made me notice how your husband is just repeating the parental pattern is his comment about his new apartment and not having as much time for his son.

I remember you writing how he said his father was never around, and here HE is ACKNOWLEDGING he's being distant to his son but he's not DOING anything about NOT becoming his father...

If you can find a better TIGHTER way to word that into a truth dart DO IT.

Something like :

Unless you change soon your SON is going to turn out the same as you - unwanted by his dad and miserable

Not sure how to word it...

I am an eingineer too... well, Software Engineer, some Engineers don't consider that "real engineering" lol

That list you have is perfect btw, very simple and to the point.

Does your dad councel gambling addicts or is it just sustance abuse cases?

If your Dad is interested, get him to watch Beautiful Girls with you, its a great film, there IS infidelity going on in teh film, it would be quite educational for you... you will see THREE MEN and their stories about how they do a LOT of DAMAGE to a LOT of people because they don't want to grow up...

They keep fantasizing about attractive women that they THINK might offer a better life for them, so they IGNORE and AVOID the one in front of them... you shoudl enjoy it and identify with it.

[4luv]

This is random but I was thinking about some of the conversations that I have had with husband this past week and trying to see what led him to NC with me. During one of our conversations we were casually talking and I slipped and called him a pet nickname I used to call him but stopped last year when he first became distant. At the time of our marital problems, husband told me not to call him the pet nickname.

Well, during the weekend of MIL's bday party, husband went back to calling me the pet nickname he had for me. I didn't mention and thought that maybe it just slipped the few times that he called me that. Anyway, when I slipped and called husband my pet nickname for him over the phone on thursday I said "oops, sorry. that slipped..I know you told me not to call you that."

Husband goes on to say that he doesn't remember telling me not to call him that. I said you probably don't remember alot of things you said to me last year. Husband then said well did you notice that I called you your pet nickname this past weekend. I said yes but I thought you just slipped up.

As I am typing this, I realize that this conversation probably didn't have THAT much weight on husband deciding to go NC with me but some part of me thinks that he was slowly getting close to me, testing the waters and then he felt too close so now he is backing away again.

I will stop rambling now :-)