Gardener, I am like you...this was my real first broken heart in 47 years....it hurt, it stung it kicked me in the sac.....
Thanks for a great post from a kindred spirit. It felt good to read, knowing I was understood. And this:
Originally Posted By: John210
but like I have repeated elsewhere, I will be damned if I let one person (regardless of who the real SHE was or is) affect me one more day....They should be the ones regretting their actions NOT US!
Is something I needed to hear and exactly the way I needed to hear it! Thanks.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Originally Posted By: John210 but like I have repeated elsewhere, I will be damned if I let one person (regardless of who the real SHE was or is) affect me one more day....They should be the ones regretting their actions NOT US! Is something I needed to hear and exactly the way I needed to hear it! Thanks.
Love it, now to keep that implemented on a daily basis is my focus..
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
X asked this morning if we could meet tonight at cafe "to discuss a few things." I agreed; what the hell.
Last time she asked that was in Sept (?). At that time, I agreed and said, "well could you at least give me the topic, the reason for this meeting?" She replied, "You know, Gardener, at the last two mediator sessions you started off asking me questions unrelated to mediation. I didn't even know you were going to ask questions, let alone what their topics were going to be. So, no, I'd rather not." That seemed fair enough at the time, so I let it go.
I let it go this time, too. Didn't even ask. Didn't care.
I forget the topic of that last public meeting other than it included her giving me a check for something and as we were leaving, I broached an R talk and she went absolutely, uncharacteristically apoplectic in public in the parking lot and I just left.
So much ambivalence today since that call. Not obsessing (I don't think so, anyway), just wondering from time to time. What could be up? The few times she refused phone or email in favor of a face-to-face in a public place, it usually wasn't good. On the other hand why the hell should I care? And what the hell is there to care about at this point? What "not good" could there be left? I'm fresh out of "not good." Used it all up.
Ambivalence also because the actual, formal D is still so new. That, and the fact I will be sitting down to discuss God-knows-what with one of four people (or all four; who knows?): the good, decent person and partner that I had a genuine love affair with for some 16 years. The alien replacement who selfishly caused so much unnecessary pain, anguish and destruction to our blended family in the last 16 months. The hurting girl who shattered our friendship in so many ways and accused me of vile, fantastical things. And the stranger that I do not know at all.
So, some curiosity, a little compassion and the ever-growing apathy is what I literally "bring to the table" tonight. And, yes, some trepidation (just a habit I've picked because after the big Bomb 16 months ago, she just kept on lobbing one hand grenade after another).
"Trepidation." Nice word. Why on earth should I even feel one iota of dread at this point? "We" are no more. What she says or thinks matters not at all. Given everything she's done, she should dread seeing me.
Ah, the newness of it all.
Now to busy myself: spit'n polish the house for tomorrow's showing, Sit down to rob Peter to pay... um, I mean "pay bills." Then go hit the gym for an hour or two before facing she of the cold, dead eyes and disdainful look.
Will report back tonight - probably on something fairly inane or inconsequential.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Ugh (((Gardener))). No one enjoys the anticipation of a "talk" in a situation where there has been a lot of hurt.
Can you set up a plan of somewhere to go afterwards? To meet up with a friend in a cafe or over to someone else's house? You could cancel if you don't feel like it, but it might be good self-care to invite some warmth into your life after the anticipated "deep freeze" interaction with your X. If there is a sting tonight, let someone else help you soothe it.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I think that is a good idea on two fronts. First, as FM says it will serve as some added support. Second, you can put a time frame on the meeting so that if you need an out, you have one...okay I can meet but only for so long, I have plans. That way you can make a graceful exit if needed.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
That went quick and quite well but, in the greater context of the last 18 years, rather unfortunate. But, hey...Consequences. Consequences.
I arrived to find her sitting at a table twittering and texting away. She looked up:
X: Hi, Gardener! G: Hi, what's up? X: Nothing, really. G: (sitting down) I'm not sure I understand. X: Well, since you had said once in the Mediator's office that you wanted to still be friends, I thought it would be nice to...start. G: (Pause) I think you misunderstood. You had used the word "civil" and I said I hated that word but I would always act friendly and polite. ACT friendly. X: Surprised. Silence. G: X, you ended our friendship. The way I view it, if any friend - (citing three of mine:) friend 1, friend 2, or friend 3 - any friend demonstrated to me - proved to me - that their word, their promise, their commitment, let alone vow, was meaningless, worthless, I would consider that friend to have ended our friendship at that point. You ended our friendship many times in many ways throughout this. You've made it clear that you are no longer my friend and I don't want to be yours. X: Well, um, I guess I certainly misunderstood that.(coversation @ mediator's) G: I'll act friendly and polite if we find ourselves at a family function or something. Friendly and respectful. X:(some kind of mumbled comment which felt like a "how big of you" sarcasm.) I ignored it, smiling. G: X, friends don't do the things you've done. X: Alright. I'm going to leave! I didn't come here to get beaten up. G: I'm not beating you up, just answering your question. I'm done.
Chatted friendly and politely about taxes: G:I'll have my stuff ready Sunday and will bring it to you. X: No, I'll come to the house and get them (this is the third time she's shot down me coming to her new apartment) But I let it go. G: No, I don't want you to come to the house. We'll meet here. X: Well, okay, then G: -Getting up- Alright, then. Goodbye.
As I went out the main door to the parking lot, she was a few steps behind. I held the door for her and said, "Goodbye, X."
X: No reply.
I'm just glad I got a chance to say a couple of things I've been really wanting to say. But no opportunity ever arose and I would not "force fit" them into any old conversation. I had hoped for months the right opportunity would present itself (especially since I had had them damn near memorized). Tonight it did.
Done. And when the house is finally sold? DONE!
Last edited by Gardener; 03/13/1001:14 AM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
