Destiny, You are so very new to this path and I can understand the hurt, confusion, etc., that you have right now. What your h is and continues to say to you is what many of us have heard. I can remember long ago my xh lashing out at me and I couldn't believe what had come out of his mouth and his thought processes were so not right.
It took me a long time to understand that it wasn't me that he was lashing out at, but he was lashing out at himself, his life and the people who had hurt him so long ago. It takes a lot of time for them to settle down and come to realize that you, the spouse, are the one single, most important gift that they ever had. It's hard for them to grasp that no matter what they say or do, we still love them and feel compassion for them. They just don't understand how anyone could still have feelings for them even after all that have done.
Destiny, give yourself time to better understand what is going on. You are taking his every word to heart and I have been there, just as everyone else has too. Time and space will help you too. As you walk the path, you will learn how to step back and observe from afar and then you'll have a better understand of what is going on w/him. For now, please take care of yourself. Pamper yourself with a lovely bubblebath, candles and a good book or movie. You need to be taking care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
DU, I am concerned about your well being. Remember that how others see you doesn't determine who you are or your worth. If you are in crisis you need to see an IC or talk to a crisis counselor ASAP. All the pain from what is happening with your M is triggering all the other pain in your life too, and I know how raw you feel...I feel that way too. We just need to move through the pain and trust that we can find peace in time.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
DU-RW posted this! She has DB'd very successfully so far! We all care about you!!!
"I just want to encourage any newbies who are struggling with detachment in their sitch that what your WAS is doing, saying, not doing, not saying.... IS NOT ABOUT YOU!
So often, when we first hear the WAS script of why they are considering ending the M, in our pain and desperation to save the M, we do everything we can to "fix" ourselves and the sitch. I believe this can create a cycle of feeling like we've failed, blaming ourselves, becoming more desperate, and pushing our WAS away even more.
If your WAS has legitimate complaints about your part in the M then by all means, work on that... but do it FOR YOU! That will be good for you, no matter what happens in your M.
What your WAS is struggling with is about THEM... their issues, their struggles... not YOU. You can "fix" yourself and your part in M all you want, but unless they deal with their own issues, it will not save the M. It may help them see the potential for change, but ultimately they have to face their own stuff to make the decision.
YOU are not being rejected. I know it feels like you are. But your WAS is rejecting his/her own "perception" of you and the M.
YOU are worthy of love and faithfulness and devotion.
So, live like you are.
GAL, do 180's, make positive changes for yourself .... do it for YOU! Because you are worth it.
This is not about you.
But, you can live your life for you... so start doing it!"
Hope you are doing ok!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
All, I was in a very bad place yesterday. I was hurt, sad, crying, angry, felt like giving up on everything (still do in many cases). Thank you for all your kind and encouraging get off my butt words". My H's issues are almost more than I can take and absolutely deplore his tone with my (even when I have not even talked to him). This constant focus on D by my H tells and convinces more and more that the D is just an escape and will NEVER resolved his true issues.
I removed myself from my home yesterday and spent the night out after calling on two friends - even though we had grown distant, we never skipped a beat. They were great and just spent time talking about old times. I got up and went to church. I was somewhat inspired, but I still lack confidence that my H will come around. So I am realistically in dispair and pain. I have chosen to write a single letter and send to my H, SILs, BILS, Mother, Sisters, Father, and very very close friends. I have re-read it 10 times. I am sealing in an envelope to be opened at a later date.
UPDATE: it doesn't appear that the H came by the house while I have been away yesterday or doing the day today. All of the documents he said I stole is in another drawer and let me tell you,I have always had to go behind him to find things he has mislocated.
One thing I now completely is that I want my H only if he comes out of this cloud of aliens anew.
I know I must continue my positive changes for myself, but my MCLer H will hopefully seek at some point therapy. Their has been much confusion caused by the H's odd behaviors.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
DU- so relieved to hear from you! Good job on taking yourself away from your house and looking up old friends! "We will get by with a little help from our friends" We cannot "fix" our H's, but we can work on ourselves. You have so many people here that care about you! Thanks for updating!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I know that I am still new to the process,but ihave been dealing with this for over a year now. I understand that my H's behavior is his own, but it affecting me in ways that i had never expected. He really believes his way is the best way. I am so very hurt and feel broken and that God's love and blessing has passed me over.
Even in church yesterday, as I listened to the music and the sermon, I felt like a stranger, an imposter --- and I grew up in the church. The pastor asked for those people who needed prayer and my prayer was they God would help to turn my situation around in my favor, to heal my H and myself.
I am not sure if my prayer was heard. I know that God works on his own time, but I felt broken still. While I was with friends yesterday and it was good to see them, they were with there families.
My girlfriend with her H and 2 children. He put his arm around her in church as they listened to the sermon and held her hand as they left the church. My other friend, whose H helped her prepare Sunday's meal. They were very affectionateand their kids seemed to enjoyed helping their parents. It was all so very sweet, but reminded me that I do not have that with H and just broke down (after they dropped me home last night) with grief.
My letter is a goodbye. My H proposed to me on my birthday and we initiated other special activities that day since. Well my birthday is this month and I am feeling like I don't deserve any happiness. Maybe it is for others to be happy. It makes me happy to see my friends and family happy. Maybe I should just let my H do what he wants, I just cannot be arround to hear, see it, or deal with it.
I feel at peace with that thought that H is never coming back. I feel like a source of his pain. I have done a lot of thinking and I am okay with my plans.
try to have a good day all..
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I am glad you are starting to feel a little better.
You need to readjust your thinking but only slightly.
Quote:
I am feeling like I don't deserve any happiness.
Yes you do deserve happiness, however only you can control that. You nust redefine happiness. You must see that you do not need WH to have happiness!
Quote:
Maybe I should just let my H do what he wants, I just cannot be around to hear, see it, or deal with it.
Yes you need to detach. Your H needs space. You need to give it to him. You need to do that for you and for him. This may or may NOT include a D. Don't worry about that. Just give him space!
Quote:
I am okay with my plans.
This is good!
You can readjust your thinking only slightly and you will be fine!
I want my H to com back, but there is absolutely no hope or faith that this is ever going to happen. He is angry at me. I was a good wife, friend, and confidant. I show my appreciation and admiration during our marriage. I know that the least 2 years have been problematic, be he has erased and forgotten the value in the basic needs we provided each other.
I feel like a piece of a favorite piece of furniture that has a tear in it. I can be prepared, but why do this. Throw it away. He has thrown away the love, commitment, value, and bond we had. I just don't want to deal with it anymore.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
DU - I agree with you, your H will not be back right now. Think of it this way though, you didn't see this coming did you? There is no way to know that when and if your H gets through the tunnel and the fog clears that he won't return in the future. Faith, hope, and love is why we all ended up here. I believe God led us to this place to let us find the tools we need to deal with this time in our lives.
Only you knows if standing is worth it to you.
You do not have to walk this journey alone. God is with you and so are we.
God is not with me. My H wants info to complete the separation agreement. I have decided to wrap things up this week and end my life. I have no say in his divorce.I have no say anywhere.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
