Question

[awest1217]

K,

I have been thinking all the same things you wrote so don't worry they are not negative, and I am constantly wondering if he will actually change (and he constantly says the same thing and says that is why he hasn't come home yet because he "can't" change). Of course he hasn't actually tried to change except on his own and the biggest problem is that he has a bachelor of psych degree so he thinks he knows everything and all theories say he can't change so why go to therapy and waste money when it isn't possible to change. I tell him, I have changed and he agrees, but anyway...

To answer the one big question, if OW was not living with her H and had her own apartment, I don't think he would have ever gotten this other place and we would already be divorced. If she got one recently or agreed to move in with him, I think we would still be in this sitch because deep down I do believe he loves me, and he really loves S, but he just doesn't want to let go of this other part of him. This fantasy world he creates with these OW. I am the reality, but they are a fantasy that instead of just being in his head, he acts out with on the internet or phone, and this time in real life. It is all fake and I think he is really trying to decide between the real thing or the fake life because I believe he knows that won't last, whereas I have been around for years.

Either way, he knows that I am not going to put up with anymore of the sneaking around, lying, OW at all. He keeps saying he wants things back the way they were last January and February. He wants me to be that same person and I refuse. He wants the wife who did everything, treated him like a baby, and let him treat her like crap by doing stuff with OW all the time. Now I want to a partner, and I have gotten my self-esteem back so I am not going to let him bring me down again. He would still be doing this even if OW were single because he doesn't want to let me go. He doesn't want to admit it, but he doesn't want to see me with anyone else, and he does admit, he doesn't want anyone else to help raise S. Too bad. If he doesn't want S raised by someone else...he has to come home because at some point I am going to find someone else.

Thank you again K for reminding me of what I need to keep straight, and please keep sending me those reality checks because this week I also have to decide based on how he tells me what his decision is, if I let him home. Very hard week ahead...

As always, no contact from H at all yesterday or this morning. I am sure I will get something this afternoon like always. I am the week wife while OW is the weekend wife especially with her H busy with his job.

Finally, cute stuff from S. I got ready for church and actually curled my hair and looked nicer because it is getting warmer so I don't have to bundle up, plus I just wanted to look nice. I asked H how does mommy look. For the first time he said "you are beautiful mommy". I smiled and gave him a big hug then he kept saying it all day because he knew it made me happy. TOO CUTE! Then last night he said something about the wii and how daddy has it and how daddy leaved again. I asked if he was sad that daddy left, he said no. I asked if it made him happy when daddy left, he said yes. I asked if he would be happy if daddy lived at our house all the time, he didn't say anything, probably because he doesn't understand that and can't imagine it.