Fast track to her divorcing me

[g450]

CTH,

Almost everything you just posted applies to me also.

I have the same fears and yes she sees the negatives only it seems. I see the good but I did recognize that our marriage could have been better and I own my own faults even though they were not major.

One of the reasons I can not see my XW with another man is how she was towards me. Honestly, I could not see another man putting up with the crap I put up with. It took being single again to finally see what I should have been treated like by a woman.

But I can only make myself better and have. Ironically, she has to change herself so much more than me if she truly wants to be happy. I think she is in denial.

[jasper67]

I too am def guilty of focusing on the good in the R. I know that there was alot of places we went wrong and how easily it could have been addressed...

It's very easy for WAS to surround themselves w/ nay-sayers as they have allowed the LBS to be judged w/o a fair representation and perhaps skewed or exaggerated R histories.

If I were a WAS I too would want all the justification I could get to go about my WAS-ing.

It's ironic that while I was discontent w/ the M/R- I would share my negative thoughts w/ collegues- they would jump to a conclusion, but I knew D was not an option for me, so I sided against them and looked for reasons to stay.

Trouble was I too failed to communicate clearly- so when WAW came to me w/ her complaints, my thought was wait- what about my complaints-

Only much more defensive...then the bomb a week later.

It does take two- I know my part and own it and am willing to work on it, WAW is not- and ONLY b/c of the A...otherwise there is nothing to lose.

I am slowly becoming the WAS now- you can only be kicked in the teeth so many times...

I no longer snoop, that's been a huge help in detaching-

You guys are awesome and we will ALL be OK.

[Cautious]

CTH,

Almost everything you just posted applies to me also.

I have the same fears and yes she sees the negatives only it seems. I see the good but I did recognize that our marriage could have been better and I own my own faults even though they were not major.

One of the reasons I can not see my XW with another man is how she was towards me. Honestly, I could not see another man putting up with the crap I put up with. It took being single again to finally see what I should have been treated like by a woman.

But I can only make myself better and have. Ironically, she has to change herself so much more than me if she truly wants to be happy. I think she is in denial.

I'll try to say this as delicately as possible. I definitely want to be on your side, but do you see the resentment and anger in what you wrote? You definitely have a lot of pain, and I can definitely relate to that. I've gotten myself in the same position: Convincing myself that what I did wasn't nearly as bad as ExH doing X, Y, and Z. But when I put myself in ExH's shoes and saw it from his angle, I thought "Man, what a [four-letter word]!" What may seem minimal to you (Complaining about an unkept house, not recognizing accomplishments, etc.), might have been HUGE from your ex's perspective. I know (now) that my ExH is compliment hungry, and I guess we all are, but I would meet him with criticisms instead of compliments "Yeah, you cleaned the living room, but you only cleaned it half-way." What an insult! Even though, yes, when I asked for help, I really meant (and didn't clearly state) I want you to clean this portion of things because it's your stuff and I don't know what to do with it. He would clean the things that I was managing just fine (like vacuuming), and turn to me with a pleased as punch smile and I would just snap at him! What a nag. Yeah, okay, it wasn't what I wanted, but he was just trying to make me happy. And when someone tries repeatedly to make you happy and continually fails, they stop trying.

I guess it all comes down to serving our own selfish needs and desires... we keep picking on them about the things they need to change because of the pain we feel... it makes us feel justified or like the "better person". But loving someone is about loving them, flaws and all. Yes, I see your point that she's not perfect, and maybe in the future she will want to change those flaws you see in her. But right now you have to ask yourself: If she were to come back, still having those flaws, would you try to get her to change or would you accept her the way she is? If not, why are you fighting so hard to keep her - because you're afraid or to keep the power over her, maybe?

I know this probably sounds really negative and is probably tough to hear. I really do want to be your friend and not your enemy and definitely not make you angry. I've just learned a lot about seeing things from the other perspective. Maybe if you think of it like she is the one pursuing you, and while she's trying to "woo" you, the whole time she's listing off everything that's wrong with you? How would that make you feel?

[g450]

Sorry Cautious but I think you are reading me all wrong.

Here is where I am coming from.

I know I wasnt perfect and I know she wasnt either. That's a given. But neither one of us were really that bad towards each other that I could see. Never really had a bad fight.

Yes I do have a bit of resentment and even a little anger but my love for her is stronger than that. Doesnt matter anyway since I have not shown her my resentment and anger. If she knows I have it then it's not because of something I have done to her. Even now I love her too much to hurt her. And that is a fact.

I guess where most of my resentment came from is in the fact that I put up with her faults because I loved her and it was my way of showing her I loved her. I was still happily married over all. I was telling her "I accept your flaws and all". She really didnt address me about what was making her unhappy and what I resent is that she did not love me enough to stick it out with me or let me know there was even a problem. She just woke up one day and bailed.

Im sorry. But if I have a problem with a loved one or anybody for that matter, I owe it too them to let them know. That is how I feel about it. She never gave me that and never gave me a chance. And yes I may have been blind but as the typical D.A.M. that I am I speak in direct language and too the point. If she gave me a clue that our marriage was in trouble I would have done what was needed to save it. All she had to do was say "we are in trouble" and I would have moved heaven and earth to fix things. She has even admitted that "its not you, its me".

But even telling me the problem may not have worked sadly as after speaking to her after the divorce I have come to the conclusion that she may never have love me to begin with.

She may have been enfatuated for two years and then found herself married to me and with child when the love potion wore off. She decided to stick it out for her child for the next 20 years and to never tell me how she really felt. I now see this as a real possibility and this may explain why she changed her name back to her first (deceased) husbands. That is the only thing that would make sense of the name change after the divorce. What else can it be? You tell me because she refuses to.

He was her first love and she may never have loved me so she may want to be burried next to him some day. It may have taken this long for her to finally be honest with herself and with me. But I am still speculating. I really have no clue what's upstairs since she refuses to tell me how she really feels even now. I have literally begged her for some honesty so that I could get closure but even now she wants me to suffer with these unanswered questions that I have. I told her I wanted to hear the truth no matter how painful and I could take it. I got silence from her.

But what's the point. I am opening my wound here now for no reason. Honestly, we are divorced. All I can do is GAL for myself. Whether she sees this or another woman will appreciate the improved g450 more is up in the air. I love her and always will but I can also love another just as much. But I will not put my life on hold for her. She said she has her mind made up.

So either way I try to look towards a brighter future for what's left of my life. And apply all I have learned to my next relationship with whoever that may be. She knows I love her, she knows I am impoving and she knows where I live. It's all up to her. But if the right woman comes along I will not hesitate. And I did mean what I said about my X-Wife. I want her to be happy no matter what she does. It's called unconditional love. I wish her the best. And this is why I want to see her improve herself and face whatever demons she is dealing with. Life is too short.

For me, anything is possible now and that in itself is an exciting prospect. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. Im still running towards it.

[Cautious]

It's possible she changed back to her deceased husband's name because she can remember him fondly now (same reason why people go back to their ex's in the first place, enough distance makes them sentimental and miss them). So those good memories seem much more inviting when she still has fresh "bad" memories of you. And maybe it's a little bit of spite, which is good because it shows that she's just as hurt over this as you are, otherwise she wouldn't be trying so hard to hurt you. It's all about revenge.

As far as the honesty goes, your intuition is probably correct. Some part of her probably doesn't want to hurt you, so she is probably keeping her feelings to herself so not to upset you, even when you say you can take it. She simply can't take seeing you hurt. Or all those feelings are so confusing to her that she can't make sense of them in order to put them in words for you.

Either way, I strongly feel that there is SOMETHING there. It's up to you whether or not you nurture those feelings or crush them back down.

[Cautious]

Oh and that "love potion" - we all get it at first, even you had it at first. It's a chemical reaction in the brain to new stimulus and it eventually wears off for all of us. Then we make the decision to love someone rather than acting on instinct.

[g450]

Yes, I know about the love potion. It served its purpose but I never stopped loving her. Even today. Now not sure if she did or not.

Well Cautious I really do not know. I really think she has issues. But she refused to go to MC MD etc.

I did not want to bring this up in here and this will be the first time I posted this but when we first married she told me he was sexually abusive to her.

So I guess I still can not fathom why she did the name change back to his family name. And yes I know that you can still love somebody that has abused you. But I have never done anything like that to her so my own logic fails me.

The only other thing I can think of is that she is thinking of an old lover that remembers her with that name. Maybe she is hoping he will find her via facebook. Who the hell knows honestly.

This part of our divorce still bothers me a lot though as you can tell.

I just do not get why she did this. I know I need to get over it but it still bothers me to an extent. She will probably never tell me.

At first I thought she did it simply to hurt me. Could you imgine somebody changing their name for the rest of their life just to hurt somebody that they alegedly loved before? WTH?!?

Im all ears for any WAW to come in here and explain the name change logic to me. My own man logic escapes me.

[g450]

Cautous,

Can you explain what you meant here:

"Either way, I strongly feel that there is SOMETHING there. It's up to you whether or not you nurture those feelings or crush them back down."

Really interested in your insight into this. As this name change thing has been eating away at me and also because I want to understand where she is coming from. Thx.

[Cautious]

As far as the name change goes: Simply put, when emotions are raw, you don't always think logically. You don't think of the last name as "forever" and she may even regret it now. Neither of us can read her mind on that. Or maybe, like I said, in her mind the hurt feelings from the relationship between the two of you was so fresh it left her with only good memories of the previous R. When things start going wrong in our current R's, we look to the past to convince ourselves that we were once loved, otherwise we're doomed to feel worthless.

My statement is simply the love is a garden analogy. A good one, in my opinion. Love really is like a delicate flower. Overwatering it (being clingy) will kill it. Ignoring it (not spending enough time together) will kill it. Poor sun exposure (opposition from friends and family) will kill it. But when the seeds are there (seeing her act jealously or irrationally to spite you), and you nurture them (ending dates when you're having a good time, giving her only good memories of the present and no more bad memories to bank on), love can truly blossom.

[jasper67]

I agree w/ being wary of feeding negative interpretations...it can be all consuming and inevitably force you to spend more time focusing on her than on yourself...hell I do it everyday...I think some other users have become upset at how much I think or speak of it and they have moved on to other threads...can't say I blame them.

My WAW has done the exact same thing though, prematurely removing her M name, and seemingly an all out war against giving me any closure on the matter. In my sitch perhaps b/c she's too confused, or when she says "I don't love you anymore" that's really the only thing she can say...it really kills me b/c usually as R's end (never had a terrible break-up) there is more conversation and willingness for understanding-and it helps.

The other thing I think of is perhaps so that WAW doesn't have to look within or deal w/ her guilt or shame.

I've done alot of stupid things in my sitch, some stuff I didn't mention, but I've been very self-destructive...anyway, this morning I felt like I couldn't face the world b/c of what I've done (gambled)...and I recalled my W two months ago having that same deppression and shame and even said the same thing- in her case it was shame/guilt for drinking, using, and cheating.

I think the WAS has more strength when they avoid the "full-disclosure, or they get to the point where it just doesn't matter- it's how hey feel- 'why do I have to explain how I feel?'