How do you get a man to be “totally honest” with you, without breaking all those rules about no-pursuit, being easy-going, carefree, not fussed … etc etc etc….
I can only speak for myself, and I don't claim that my way is the right way or the best way, or that it would work for other people. But my approach would be to get him to want to tell you about his personal situation. Make him feel that he can trust you, and that you're interested in what he's dealing with and his feelings about it. It's kind of like playing therapist. And the more he tells you, the more opportunity you have to see if it all feels correct and if it's consistent.
And, you know, this doesn't apply to just finding out what's up with a "married" man. It also applies to those perpetually single men who are always circulating around town and never settle down. They might tell you just what you want to hear, even while they're sleeping around with other women at the same time.
Just heard on TV a relationship expert say that divorced men are the best bet for women (excpet for women in their 20's looking for their first long-term relationship, of course) because they have a proven history of being able to commit.
Quote:
The more I read about the “rules” of dating the more I wonder how anyone ends up with anyone.
Funny thing, I never worried about that because I always approached it as just making friends. In fact, in college, I ended up going out as friends with women who didn't want the pressure of going out on a formal date. And some of them ended up wanting to sleep with me. But we never dated, or so we deluded ourselves. I think dating has too many expectations and pressure for a lot of people.
Quote:
If he told me he was married, or that “she didn’t understand him” or that “he had a sex-starved marriage” I’d hand him a copy of Divorce Busting and sending him straight to this board. No questions asked.
Not a bad approach, and maybe best for you. My approach would be to talk to him about his marriage and play therapist. But that might take experience having done that and feeling comfortable with it. I mean, if a friend had a problem with his boss, or his marriage, I wouldn't just hand him a book. I'd take the role of therapist and talk to him about it.
Quote:
But this goes to another thing I’m confused about with men. Is it OK to ask them lots of questions about their life? (I sound like I need an anthropologist! … “tell me about this species know as MALE") The literature implies women should build an environment of trust and when a man trusts you enough he’ll open up organically. That’s the theory I’ve been working off … you’re suggesting a different approach.
The reason you trust a therapist is you know they're not going to use what you tell them against you. And you expect them to be empathic.
As for it being OK to ask men lots of questions about their life -- hey, we're all different, and our circumstances are different. I personally like having someone take an interest. And I'm very talkative. But I know a lot of guys aren't.
Quote:
It’s likely that he’s just attracted to me and isn’t thinking much past if I’ll kiss him or sleep with him when we are in the same city.
Yeah, don't assume he's got a well-planned agenda, though I suspect some guys do if they're serial "players". But for a lot of guys with faltering marriages, they have unmet emotional and physical needs, and all they know is it feels good to have a woman's attention, and be admired, etc. It's certainly not just about the sex for a lot of men.
Quote:
I’ve built an “involvement” in my head, based on his very diligent pursuit, which when it comes down to it is really nothing more than daily flirty, fun telephone and e-mail conversations.
Hmmm, yeah, definitely sounds like a man who is not getting a lot of attention from his wife. And the reasons for that could be complicated and long-term contributions on both his and her parts.
I learned long ago that I could easily spot the woman at the office who was not getting enough attention from her husband or boyfriend at home. Such a woman will respond to even a mild compliment or flirtation with more energy and appreciation than other women. The woman with her family pictures and husband's pictures all over her desk, and who only wants to talk business does not send that message.
Quote:
We were friends before his pursuit and attention started. We’re colleagues. We’ve got a lot in common. Nothing dodgy has happened. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of what’s been going on … I’m just worried that it’s possibly an ‘emotional affair’ and again, maybe I’m reading too much into that.
My approach would be to date other people. You can't directly control how you feel about this guy, but you can fill your romantic life with more realistic prospects, which will lessen your temptation to continue talking so much with the married guy. And you'll be in a less vulnerable or needy state when you talk to him. And I think that will also give you a better perspective on your relationship with the married guy and where you want that to go.
Quote:
But … is it normal for a man to be so diligently contacting, flirting and arranging meetings with a single woman if he’s not interested in something more than being friends? That’s the million $ question for me.
Depends on the man and the situation. A lot of times, we just go on emotions and needs at the moment. Just the need for some attention and admiration, especially if it's unmet at home. Other times a man might have a fantasy that there's going to be hot sex. And when he meets a woman who actually wants to give him hot sex, he can sometimes inexplicably (to the confused woman, at least) chicken out, realizing that the fantasy and the reality were two different things. If he's a perceptive man, he might, for example, chicken out of sex if he senses that it means more than that to you, and you're going to complicate his marriage because you'll want more. Or if he's foolish, as many men are in this sense, he'll say anything to get sex, and ignore what it means to you, and get himself in a heap of trouble as you get angry with him and repeat what happened to that ESPN sportscaster (where the girlfriend fell in love with the married sportscaster and drover her car all over his lawn and left a note for his wife).
It's all confusing and unpredictable. And sometimes it's all too predictable. Does that clear it up!!! You really need a sense of humor and good friends to get through this part of life sometimes!
And, yeah, I agree with DQ. He probably is looking for FWB. But that doesn't mean it's what he'd actually do. He might chicken out. Or he might fall in love. He can't directly control his emotions any more than you can.
