had a terrible backslide. I''m sooooo tired of things not changing!
Let's just say after mistakenly getting a virus on my computer a couple of weeks ago which was a big hassle for my H to wipe and reset my computer, I did something mistakenly that could have potentially put my computer at risk again.
H blew up at me and I left crying. I took a walk and called him asking him to speak civilly to me. He said there's no reason to speak civilly when there is a bigger danger on the table. I said that speaking to me that way will not get things to change, it just makes me feel awful.
He goes on to say how justified he is - how he thinks a) I completely disregard him and b) it shows how I will never change and c) nobody in the world would do something as careless as I do and d) I have no regard for the risk it puts him in.
My responses were: a) I want him to speak civilly to me no matter what and b) people do change and I have done a lot to work on changing including being a more responsible person and appreciate not having a globalized statement like that c) of course I care about the risk I put him in, but I would like the respect of seeing that I make mistakes, and maybe I just don't understand the dangers, not that I disregard them and d) it makes me feel awful to have someone standing over my shoulder constantly saying "see? see? you did it again, you'll never change - we've had this same conversation a million times and you still haven't changed."
Feeling just awful. Here I am trying so damn hard all the time, and just wanting to be given a chance and be treated like a valuable human being. He says why should he change the way he talks to me when that's "just how he is and people don't change"
I'm hopeless again. Here I thought there was so much progress.
This was always a problem in our prebomb M too. I always just wanted a hug and an apology for him being harsh - whether he is justifiably frustrated or not. i can hear that he's frustrated, but not the way he talks to me. H has no clue how miserable this has made me for so many years and just feels he is right, end of discussion.
All I ever wanted was a hug afterward. I will never get it. I just want to let him know his feelings matter to me and that I wish my feelings mattered to him.
Help, feel like giving up now.
I just don't know what he wants to see changed in me. I have worked on so many things and it's never enough.
