OK Everyone - call to help - Pearl has mentioned this a couple times and Its finally getting to me. My friend TryTryAgain has been getting bad DBing advice for a while and I've been posting to counter -
Everyone get on TTA's thread and provide GOOD DBing advice - this person needs to see what DB is really about!!
TTA - You have been doing a good job of taking the few nuggets out of that advice and then discarding the rest. I am NOT trying to be horrible on here - but this is getting ridiculous. His advice is NOT DB - its important that people on here get the support this board is MEANT to offer. Mind reading, catering to your WAS, giving in, denying your feelings, and doing what you think your spouse would want based on what you think they are thinking is NOT DB. Thank you for posting as you have been lately - I don't think I'm the end all be all for advice, but I know bad advice when I see it. I'm hoping this call will get others posting for you so you can see that there is consistency in what I'm recommending.
Lets support each other the RIGHT way! T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
Went out and got a little drunk. Today is our 5th anniversary. Reality is: moving into new apt all week.
Talked to mutual friend (MF) last night. MF has been my friend longer than H's. However, MF is the only person (other than OW???) H has been talking to, so I haven't spoken to MF since pre-bomb.
Apprise MF of sitch w/H & talk of suicide. Tell MF that once all my $hit is out next week, I'm done, can't have any contact w/H for 'a while'. Since MF is H's ally, don't want to get into my exact plan of NC. MF telling me that H would never commit suicide, and how they discussed our mutual friend committing suicide last summer and how angry they both were about it. MF says 'I hate him and will never forgive him for that'. Goes on to say that H said the exact same thing. Tell MF that H said 'Maybe X had the right idea'. This was the statement that chilled me to the core, and thought that H was serious, and not just trying to garner attention.
MF goes on to say that H doesn't talk w/him in specifics, but just comes by daily to be 'cheered up'. Tell MF that I don't want to talk about anything other that H threatening suicide. MF goes on to say 'We are dudes, we say dumb $hit, to maximize hurtful during fight'. I let slip that the only people that H talks to are him & GF. MF is stunned, denies H has GF. Tell MF that H does in fact have GF, but that is not the point of the call.
Tell MF that somebody needs to keep close eye on H, and since GF doesn't really know H, it has to be him. MF says 'H doesn't know if you really love him. H is really hurt and angry.'
Want to pound my head into the wall. I am really 'hurt and angry' too. There is nothing lovable, yet alone likable about H, hasn't been for over 6 months, and yet I think, due to my actions, I've shown H a whole f*&k-ton of unconditional love.
Today was our 5th anniversary. I spent the day at work, giving my regs a fun happy hour, w/no indication of my own personal B.S. The bartender has a perfect life, with absolutely no personal problems - party all the time!!! Inwardly, I wanted to crawl into a hole & die.
All I wanted to do was come home, crawl onto the couch w/H and say 'I know we're done, but just tonight, hold me close'. Come home and H is sound asleep. Fuss over dog, and kiss H on the forehead. H slept thru it. And now, here I sit.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Still at my house, packing, packing, packing. H on couch w/dog. Moving boxes down to front door, so as to cut down on cost of movers. H hasn't given up a dime toward moving, buying me out of house, etc.
OW calls - silent, vibrate, which if in same room w/H is quite audible. H sitting up, about to answer phone as I'm coming down stairs. Phone goes right back into pocket, I laugh and slooowly re-arrange boxes.
Going back upstairs say 'H, don't let me cramp your style'. H pretends to have no idea what I'm talking about. Say 'Really, H, I'm out in a few more days anyway. Don't let me cramp your style in any way.' Smile. Come back up here.
I'm shaking I'm so pissed. I want to wring his f&*king neck. This, the guy who early in said 'Let's not muddy the water here by bringing in OP'. ARGH!!!!
edit: emphasis on the fuming!!!
Last edited by Ruined_No_More; 03/06/1008:41 PM.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Should have spent day packing before going to work. Have sat here chain smoking, not sure if H is in the other room or not. No energy at all. Just sad.
Disappointed that over the last 7 weeks, H has made very little effort to tie up loose end regarding M/sitch. Told H 2 or 3 weeks ago that the clock was ticking, this was the time to do these things. H consistently saying that I don't deal w/things, but seems like he's just ignoring all of this. I sometimes wonder if he really does want D, but not wanting to be the bad guy, just wants me to file.
Frustrated that this D is H's idea, yet does very little to get it going. H finally went to see lawyer last month, after me telling him for 4 months to do that. As far as I know, there has been no follow up.
Initially, I started it, saying I wanted D. But as everything unfolded, realized that wasn't what I wanted at all. H says he was 'devastated' when I said I wanted out. Luckily for him, OW was already on the back burner. H said 'I started talking to her when I decided I wanted out', which came a few weeks before I said I wanted out.
Movers are coming Tuesday, not packed. Moved out 50% of my things over the last week. This sitch just seems hopeless.
I keep thinking after everything is out, I should just file myself. H. has been pretty consistent to not say/do things that would give me 'false hope', or that is how it seems. But then he does things to make me question how convinced he is that this is the right decision.
My head is so fuzzy, muddy at the moment. Need to be out of this toxic environment. Not sure which way to turn. Last week he was threatening to kill himself. This week he's totally shut me out.
The only somewhat positive thing I've found this week is that H has been contacting OW much less. H called her for 90 mins. once this week, as opposed to the usual daily 30 - 60 min. She's been texting him roughly 30% more than he responds. I guess I shouldn't even consider that to mean anything at this point.
edit: clarity
Last edited by Ruined_No_More; 03/07/1011:07 PM.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
As hard as this is now, it will get better. When my H left, (H moved 150 miles north to our cabin 3 weeks ago) I thought I would never be able to move on. But everyday, sometimes all day, I would read posts here and little by little that awful feeling in my stomach, the loneliness and heartache lifted. Just knowing I'm not 'alone' in going through this....all our stories are so similar....and so many have survived!
There are times when I think NC might not be a good thing, but then I remember, things were NOT changing the other way either. I'm pretty sure H has ALOT more contact now with OW...but he was already having contact with her.
H has ONLY called me about 4 times in 3 weeks....which in a strange way has helped me. For me, it was more toxic living together. I wasn't able to GAL...I was more concerned with what H was doing.
You are doing a great job...remember you are not alone
M55 H55 my D31 H D30 1st met her when she was 25 M 22yrs...2nd for me, 1st for H OW 2005 mother of H daughter, came back to introduce D 1bomb 6/05 2bomb 7/08 3bomb 2/10 moved up north
All I wanted to do was come home, crawl onto the couch w/H and say 'I know we're done, but just tonight, hold me close'.
Ruined, I am so relieved to hear you say that! Because back in March 09 (last year!) when WH was moving out, I actually DID do that! I DID ask him to hold me and I never told any of my friends.In fact I asked him to sleep next to me in our bed. But you know what? All I felt was NOTHING- totally numb every time. NO love, no hate, just sadness. So I tell you this because I doubt now that I was the only person to do this and I doubt that I was the only person who did that felt numb doing it!
Quote:
H has ONLY called me about 4 times in 3 weeks....which in a strange way has helped me. For me, it was more toxic living together. I wasn't able to GAL...I was more concerned with what H was doing.
Yes- this was why I asked WH to leave last year- it was soooo painful to be around him when he was clearly ga ga for OW and not me and I was excruciatingly aware of every move he made, how long he spent in another room--like I had "spidey sense" because I was so tuned into when he was contacting OW.
Wow, gardengirl hit it on the head-- seeing all of the others survive and knowing we aren't alone helps us to heal. But let yourself feel the pain and mourn. Don't rush to D right now- just keep doing what you are doing! (but I did chuckle when you said to H "don't let me cramp your style!"
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Today, walk into my office. Sitting on my desk is a mailing tube w/H's name on it. Open it up. Vintage silkscreen poster from my favorite band [which H used to tease me endlessly about]. Go downstairs, say 'thanks' to H.
H. says 'I can't make up for anything I said. I knew you'd like it. I just thought you'd appreciate a kind gesture.'
Say 'H, I loved that when I saw it years ago' [before we ever met, it was that long ago].
This one small gesture: makes me very happy; makes me think that maybe all isn't lost; is a glimpse of H that I fell in love with.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
