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HB - you say that my H didn't open his mouth. I think he did in his own way but he didn't spell it out and maybe I just couldn't hear it because I didn't know what I could do. In MC he did talk about his unhappiness in our M (Dec08-May09). The problem was that we weren't able to address the hopelessness of our sitch because we weren't given any strategies to deal with our daily problems. Our MC said that we had to make huge lifestyle changes (which wasn't feasible because our communication just wasn't there) and H had to shift a lot...which he wasn't ready for. The MC really let me off the hook and didn't help me to see that I could make changes and 180s. I was trying hard in the M, but I wasn't trying smart and she didn't help me to target my efforts more effectively.

H did complain and express his dissatisfaction a lot so I had ample evidence of his unhappiness too. But I guess I thought we had more time to work on things. And when we were still in MC I thought we both had the willingness to do the work. I made some wrong assumptions along the way I guess.

The thought that I could have turned things around if I could turn back the clock to six months ago...that is very hard to bear (and not necessarily true).


I can see where the Marriage Counselor failed to do her job, she had a lack of understanding, and an inability to see that your husband was in MLC/deep depression.
You're right, she could have helped you, but didn't.

I'm not making excuses for her, but some of these people are inadequately trained, and to be able to spot an MLC case is pretty far down the list; believe it or not most people STILL don't believe in MLC.

He could have also said that he was experiencing some trouble within himself and needed help from you, FM. Had he been a little more clear about what HIS problem was, and you'd had the knowledge you're gaining now...yet, I cannot say that he STILL wouldn't have left.
No one knows what could have happened, not even me.

YOU didn't have anything to do with his decision to move out, FM, HE DID.
When someone has a problem, it is up to them to ask for help, not run..and he ran away, instead of just sitting down and attempting to get you to understand what was happening with him.
The person who has a problem is the one responsible for whatever decisions he/she makes to "fix" that problem...running is not a "fix"..but he didn't give you a chance, none at all.

There have been a few men who have taken this type of a problem to their wife, but a lack of understanding(and the MLC'er's lack of articulation) can complicate it to the nth degree.
And because MLC is what it is, who's to say that you wouldn't still have come to the place you are now, EVEN if you'd known and tried to understand, tried to change?
You had NO help at that point, FM in understanding or otherwise, so you were doing the best you could with what you had.

When you have a spouse in MLC, it does NOT matter if you turn backflips to fix what they say is a problem, it is NEVER enough.
I've been there, bent over backward, and it DIDN'T do anything to fix the problem..the problem was within HIM, not me.
And I was awhile seeing that; instead, I was blaming myself for a problem that was HIS, not mine.

So, while you might have not "heard" him..think about this; it might NOT have made a difference even if you had, their articulation is next to nothing; and when you don't "understand" they get really bad in the abusive way they talk.
You cannot read minds, nor can you just pick it out of thin air.

That's why I say you cannot blame yourself, nor beat yourself up.

You're human, not divine, and lack the abililty to instantly understand what's going on in your husband's head.

ALL of us are in that boat on both sides of this equation.

As it stands now, I cannot tell you what my husband is thinking; if he wants something, he must ask for it, or it will NOT be given to him.

And, last, but not least, it's NOT true that you could have done something different in that last six months, FM, please don't beat yourself to pieces over it. Hind sight is 20/20, but remember MLC is SO unpredictable, and you didn't know what you were dealing with, then.

That was then, this is now, so when you can, you move forward with the knowledge you gain.

I had to do that, and it took me awhile to understand that I could have done NOTHING to stop this, or prevent it or anything.

It happens and you learn to deal with the fallout, understanding that whatever happens from this point on is up to you.

That's hard to do when you're grieving the demise of your marriage, and trying hard to see that it's NOT your fault this happened.

You figure, you're married, so it's GOT to be something you did..but honey, you didn't do anything to cause this; it's HIM, not you.

Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.