Another convo with H last night. It was pretty much the same thing as Fri night. However, this time he started crying which is not like my H at all. Again here are some things he said:
H: It's hopeless, I have no hope that it will ever work H: I'm broken, and I don't know if I'll ever be ok H: I can't come back, yet I can't seem to let go H: I'm hurting you and you will resent me for it, that is why it will never work. H: I've buitl this wall around me, and I don't know if it will ever come down.
Again, I didn't get emotional, I validated some points and gave no response to others. And then I ended the convo instead of him.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
All good stuff really. mb28 I think you are wearing him down... the really sad part is he doen'st have to feel this miserable... I know this may be presumptuous, but your posts read as if you feel better than HE does right now...
This IS a good sign, it means your protection phase IS helping you to relax and you left the drama behind... The drama that's making him quite ill right now clearly.
I am suspecting when he calls you its a reaction to some fight he has had with OW pressuring him to leave. He wants YOU to cut the cord and file... all YOU have to do is keep telling him you want your marriage, and you want him to protect his family, and that the work IS do-able to reconcile.
The darn fool doesn't have to be as miserable as he is... its just silly...
Try not to validate overmuch becuase none of what he says is constructive, if you put anything on it that he can use to JUSTIFY filing for an affair he will do it.
He's fishing for an excuse to file, all of the excuses he gives there ... he wants YOU to AGREE with him... THEn he can file... so you want to be VERY careful you don't say or indicate anything that suggests you agree with him OK? Be VERY careful... don't ARGUE, but don't agree... just let him talk and ya, say "i'm sorry you feel this way" or something to that effect... maybe say "people feel good about things sometimes and other times when things are bad they dno't have that confidence as much... I am not gonig to do anything permanent or drastic that will HURT OUR CHIDLREN while I feel sad, and I don't think you should either... we just need to work together again with a good therapist... once we are on the right track again we will feel much better I am positive of it"
hmm... I don't like that, it sounds like pursuit, but give him SOME indication of a constructive solution to how he's feeling.. he feels this way but he isn't looking to anything useful like FT... I just can't find the right wording to POINT him there without sounding controlling or like I am in pursuit. :P
You will have to gauge this one, since I am reccomending NC, I don't fully advocate this, but you ARE taking his calls, despite our advice so... lol
If you CAN and the timing is right, you want to get a point in again about you insisting he have NO CONTACT with OW. He needs to keep hearing that, THIS resonating in his mind may lean him twoards ENDING his AFFAIR instead of FILING for DIVORCE.
I suspect he's already tried and the OW pressured him back into the affair a few times already. He sounds quite mixed up.. she's really messing with his head.
He does need to know quite CLEARLY that you do NOT want this OW to be at ALL INVOLVED with your family, him, OR your children at ALL EVER in the future... he needs to know how firm you are on that... I suspect he DOES, but I don't know how emphatic you have been about getting that message across yet...
your call, but keep that message coming too... if you HAVE to contact him, I don't reccomend it.
Suppose your H calls you again to give you another spew like that...
What do you think would be the effect if you told him
"Gotta go take care of our kids, they keep me busy"
or something to that effect, and you just let him DROWN on his OWN
What do you think?
My aim here is that when he calls, he wants you to make him feel better... so you pick up and you listen to him and he likley does feel better after the call..
But what I am wondering is what would happen if he felt like spewing at you and you didn't make him feel better, NOT that you make him feel worse... you just don't pick up the phone or tell him you are busy with his children right now...
I am wondering what the result might be...
Not sure on this one... I am worried you may be dragging this affair out longer by listenign to his rants on the phone... not sure though.. it MAY be helping you to sit and listen.. as long as you are distant and do NOT fight, argue, or offer any emotions to him to take with him... don't say I love yo uor anything, you just listen like a professional family therapist would do... sit back and objectively listen.. that may be helping... not sure
Another convo with H last night. It was pretty much the same thing as Fri night. However, this time he started crying which is not like my H at all. Again here are some things he said:
H: It's hopeless, I have no hope that it will ever work H: I'm broken, and I don't know if I'll ever be ok H: I can't come back, yet I can't seem to let go H: I'm hurting you and you will resent me for it, that is why it will never work. H: I've buitl this wall around me, and I don't know if it will ever come down.
Again, I didn't get emotional, I validated some points and gave no response to others. And then I ended the convo instead of him.
This makes me feel sad for your husband and mine. My husband has said the EXACT same things. I just hate the fact that we live in a society that would allow people in this state of mind to get a divorce. Its like allowing an addict to make life changing decisions before they get clean. My dad has been a drug and alcohol abuse counselor for 30 years and I am starting to recognize some of the same behavior. Its like an addict wants to stop using so bad but the hardest part is for them to face the damage they've caused to the people that they love. Continuing to use the drugs is less painful than stopping and cleaning up the damage even though in the long term the drugs/alcohol will do the most damage. They either die from drug/alcohol use or they will EVENTUALLY have to face up and sadly most of the time its when they have no one left around them.
I am starting to see how affairs are just as addictive in the sense that it alters your thinking. I really pray for all the spouses on this board. When my husband was talking to my dad and telling him how stressed out and confused he has been, my dad told him the line that he gives his addicts: "Secrets make you sick." It is so true. Not only do they make you sick but they also live you feeling the exact way your husband is describing mb28.
Keep doing what you are doing. Do not argue with your husband. I know the NC is hard to do (I am on day two) but as much as you can try not to talk to your husband too much. Just imagine your husband as lost in the woods and he has to find his way out. I feel that he is coming out real soon but you must be very careful not to interfere too much with his walk. He needs to hear some guidance and hope to continue the walk but not be scared of what is in front of him.
Last edited by 4luv; 03/08/1002:58 PM.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
Allen, These last 2 convo were in person as we were exchanging the kids. I've done the sitter a couple times like you suggested, but there was no one available these last 2 times. However, I'm kind of glad there wasn't because it gave me the chance to prove to myself that I can be strong having a convo with him. As you know, I've never been able to do this before.
I do feel better then he does right now, and I actually feel bad for how much he is suffering. Him crying in front of me last night was huge, he never does that. I agree this OW is messing with his head big time, and is making him feel worse. From what his mom told me the OW has even asked him to come and fix her dryer on Sat. He didn't tell his mom it was her, but we suspect it was. No one else we know is having drying problems.
I have been accepting some calls, but no all. I just can't bring myself to fully do the NC. However, I think what I am doing is working. I'm really trying to show him that I'm the better choice, without being the doormat. This is hard to balance, but I'm managing, I think.
While we were talking last night, his phone kept dinging and I suspect it was her. And he was getting really annoyed with it, so I really hope it was her bugging him.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
OK 4luv, I really need to talk about your father, I had no idea he was an addiction counsellor.. why on EARTH would you let your dad walk OUT on him.. that is EXACTLY the authority figure your H needs right now... I kNOW Its hard for your DAD becuase its his daughter so its personal.. but guess what.. YOUR DAD has to be an ADULT and do the hard walk now too... BOTH Of them lol
Your dad needs to counsel a man who is cheating on his daughter Your H needs to turn to a man who hates him for advice
HOLY conflict BATMAN!
They BOTH need to do those things.. but they BOTH have a LOT of issues with it..
Anyhow, lets move that talk to YOUR thread
mb28, yes, its good you can interact and remain as you put it before loving detachment.. excellent phrase there
Do NOT feel sorry for him... he WANTS you to baby him.. don't.
If his phone was ringing and he was ignoring it, yes, it was her.. he would have picked up otherwise... he did NOT want you to hear hte call, so he ignore it.. it was her I am sure of it.
Let the OW keep annoying him... YOU DON'T do that.. don't offer him any EMOTION, but be there to listen like an objective family therapist would... listen, offer words of sympathy and then exit...
I imagine the OW is a mess and very uptight, as upset as he is most likley... yes, secrets are making them BOTH SICK..
You're donig well mb28, keep it up.
And yes, thank you for trying the sitter thing, do what you CAN, no one expects perfection... you don't need to be perfect, you just need to be better than OW and you will get what you want.
Keep it up... I HOPE you can SEE the constructive effect No contact and detachment is having on him yes?
He's a mess... let him drown in it.. he will BEG the FT to help him out of that and YOU will be teh answer..
mb, you are doing so great. Keep it up. I am sure you will find you like the NC and will seek it!
I believe your H is looking for a safe place. Continue to be the stable anchor, the beacon of peacefulness. He is sinking and will seek out the firm ground.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
