My advice is that you both need to be totally honest. That means you have to get him to be totally honest. And likewise you have to be totally honest with him.
How do you get a man to be “totally honest” with you, without breaking all those rules about no-pursuit, being easy-going, carefree, not fussed … etc etc etc….
The more I read about the “rules” of dating the more I wonder how anyone ends up with anyone.
I’ve only pressed the “what’s your situation thing” once. His response was that he’ll tell me all about it when we’re face-to-face in the capital in a couple of weeks. He teased me about it over the next couple of days – like “are you looking forward to hearing my story?” “so you want to know what’s up with me?” kind of teasing – but this goes back to the “Rules” … he could legitimately be a separated/divorced man who takes a while to open up about his personal life – and the literature tells me, I should respect that.
Quote:
If I really cared for him, I'd ask him a lot of questions about his relationship, and try to get him to see that he might be able to salvage his own relationship with his wife. I mean, you really cared for him as a person, right? If not, then you were in it just for yourself, right?
If he told me he was married, or that “she didn’t understand him” or that “he had a sex-starved marriage” I’d hand him a copy of Divorce Busting and sending him straight to this board. No questions asked.
But this goes to another thing I’m confused about with men. Is it OK to ask them lots of questions about their life? (I sound like I need an anthropologist! … “tell me about this species know as MALE") The literature implies women should build an environment of trust and when a man trusts you enough he’ll open up organically. That’s the theory I’ve been working off … you’re suggesting a different approach.
Quote:
OK, right off the bat, my reaction is you know way too little about him to let yourself be that involved with him.
I had a lightbulb moment yesterday reading that other message board DQ suggested to me. It seems women (in this case me) often misunderstand what it means when a man pursues them (me). Certainly it’s the case for me, that while he’s been constantly pursuing me, I’ve been warming up and building this movie in my mind that leads to a “relationship”. It’s likely that he’s just attracted to me and isn’t thinking much past if I’ll kiss him or sleep with him when we are in the same city. So you’re right. I’ve built an “involvement” in my head, based on his very diligent pursuit, which when it comes down to it is really nothing more than daily flirty, fun telephone and e-mail conversations.
Quote:
But if I were in your shoes, I remain friends with this person, if possible. I mean, you both cared for each other in some way, no?
Yes. You’re right. This goes to that mars/venus stuff too. We were friends before his pursuit and attention started. We’re colleagues. We’ve got a lot in common. Nothing dodgy has happened. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of what’s been going on … I’m just worried that it’s possibly an ‘emotional affair’ and again, maybe I’m reading too much into that.
But … is it normal for a man to be so diligently contacting, flirting and arranging meetings with a single woman if he’s not interested in something more than being friends? That’s the million $ question for me.
