She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

You are overanylizing things like I was and still do. Unfortunately the situation is what it is, and all we can do right now is be respectful of how their feeling. We may not understand, but the more we try to get them to open up the more we will push them away. I found that when I respected my wifes desire for space (only calling once a week), she then seemed to be a little more cooperative.

This has taken me months to realize, and I'm still no where near where I need to be. It will become somewhat clearer and easier to deal with once we're reunited. This isn't going to be repaired with magic, it's going to take time, understanding and patience.

It's definitaley difficult for us to deal with this because it happened while I was away, and while you were alone. We will never understand why or how thay came about there decision and the timing.

I look back on things and wish I could change certain events and behaviors, but I can't. All we can control is ourselves and the present. Just work to make yourself a better person for you. I'm still struggling with the changes being only for me. It takes lots of time and effort, but you need to want to change for you. The result of the change can be a repaired marriage, but the reason. However, this is the 2 X 4 that smacked me in the face and caused the reasoning for change. It's very unfortunate, but I like who I am today allot more than the guy I was 6 months ago.

[tbart01]

I need some opinions on a thought I just had. I'm deployed and I'm doing the NC or limited contact with my wife unless she contacts me, or she tells me to call. Would you consider this a form of seperation?

Since I've began doing this, we've had more conversations. We rarely talk about the stich, just the kids and other things going on. Since I started giving her more space, she seems to be more cooperative. She's stopped being mean and agry, and started to be more neautral.

I was just wondering if I could sort of count this as part of the seperation?

[Cautious]

It could be that she needs more freedom and trust from you, and by giving her her space she feels better. Do you think you can continue to give her space when you are back with her? More than likely that need will not change. Are you prepared to handle that with grace and set aside any insecurities you might have during those times?

[Cautious]

Also that time gives her time to miss you, and may explain why she is more compelled to call. She's wondering why you're not disrespecting her request (a prime example of a successful 180). So it makes her curious about you and what you're doing. Just take it slow and easy and try not to get too excited about it working.

[tbart01]

Yes, I have no problem continuing to give her the space she needs. I have learned allot through this ordeal and with the time away. I know that in order to ever reconcile, then giving her the required space is a must. I'm prepared to do allot of things differently that I wasn't aware of until recently.

Unfortunately, I will be living away from her when I get back, so she will get the space. It hurts to know i won't be going home to her, but I will if that what she needs.

[tbart01]

This process is making me so numb I don't know how to get angry anymore. I constantly walk around in a fog and I'm consumed with the situation. It frustrates me that I'm unable to speak to my wife about how I feel. I can't tell her when I realize something we did or didn't do throughout our marriage.

We spoke for a bit this morning. I told her I got people from work that are willing to help her with repairs to the mobile home. For some reason she yelled at me, because she didn't feel they had experience in what needed to be done. I'm trying to get her help to alleviate the stress of repairing the trailer. I just can't seem to do anything right for her at this time.

She is busy repairing herself, and says she doesn't have time to work on relationship issues. However, when I return home she said we will talk about our personal problems. I'm pretty sure I'm beginning to slip into a full blown depression.

I'm getting frustrated whenever I hear people over here talking crap to each other or others. I don't have the ability to handle these types of behaviors.

This is the most difficult thing I've ever had to go throuh in my entire life. I lost my father when I was 10 and my mother when I was 14, and this is much harder for me to handle.

I know it's early but sometimes i feel like giving up, and I haven't even returned home yet. I know this will take time, but not being home, and not being able to talk about things with her is really draining me emotionaly.

I don't know what to do anymore. My hands are so tied right now.

[Cautious]

This is why DB recommends GALing. When you're alone with your thoughts and feelings, it's so easy to slip into depression. Or allow the sitch to consume you. And then you're left only feeling worthless, unloved, and lonely. I wish I had some advice to offer on that front... maybe watch a few funny movies and zone out for a bit? It's hard when you're hurting, I know, but just keep trying different distractions until you can forget for just a little while. Playing a game of cards with friends, maybe a little drinking... most people say this is a no, but as long as you're in good company, I don't see the harm in a drink or two. In fact, in some cases, it has been one of my best distractions - on game nights it makes time fly and the night is shorter to try and sleep through.

When she got angry about the trailer, it's because she lost control of the situation. She was expecting you to offer sympathy, understanding, and then *ask* if she wanted these people from work to help, because they'd be willing. And the asking has to be delicate. Remember: in her mind, she's in control and has you right where she wants you. Then you came along and gave her exactly what she needed (which wasn't what she wanted - she wanted the sympathy and understanding of her situation, after all she's at such a disadvantage!), so she got upset that things didn't play out the way they were *supposed* to. Don't react to the anger. At all. Either way, you're kind of screwed: if you apologize and say you were only offering some help, she feels dumb because then she has to realize that's what she asked for. If you get angry back, well, we all know that leads to a power struggle and hurt feelings on both sides. But knowing that you can't do anything right is a good sign - it shows you something you need to work on. If I could stake a guess: she's feeling unheard - she wants sympathy and understanding from you, and instead you're trying to fix the problem, rather than listening to her. And being that you're a man, and therefore a natural "fixer", I'm willing to guess that this has been going on for a while. The best thing to do, next time you're presented with this kind of situation (Complaining about the trailer, or complaining about something else that requires her to take action alone) is ask "Is there anything you would like me to do?" then go silent. Make her really think about it. She may fess up and say that she just needs someone to listen, or she might even get angry because she doesn't know how to handle your inquiry - how dare you ask her to think for herself! If the former is the case, LISTEN. Just be quiet and listen. If the latter is true, again, just be quiet. It'll be hard to listen to her chew your head off, but once she's done screaming, simply say "Well, if you think of a way I can help, let me know, okay?" That's so powerful because now she's seeing that you're willing to be leaned on, when she's ready. There may be many screamings in the road ahead, just be consistent with how you respond and she'll probably soften up.

I know what you mean about being frustrated about other people's attitudes. Through this whole event (I'm now divorced, been DBing off and on, screwed up big), I've been offering better advice than I'm taking. In some way, it makes me feel better to fix others' relationships since I keep screwing up my own. I just can identify with nearly every emotion that my guy friends complain about their womenfolk having because I've been all over that spectrum myself, from the logical to the looney. So I just hope that I get it exactly right to help them along. I don't see any reason for a R to fail, and I want to "save" people before they get to where I am.

[tbart01]

cautious, those were all great things you had to say. I guess i never really looked at it that way, about trying to fix things. I just know shes overwhelmed, and i thought she could use some help. I told her that the people I work with are willing to help if she wants it. I never told her that they had to help her, i just gave here their number and told her to call if she wanted the help. She eventually came around and said she would probably get their help this weekend.

It's really tough dealing with all this from Afghanistan, it's tough enough as it is. i feel helpless not being home and able to work on this. Unfortunately, I get frustrated with happy people right now. I haven't been able to be happy in months dealing with this.

I'm trying really hard, and i never get angry back at her. I'm trying to keep the peace while I'm away, and i want her to see that I'm not getting angry at everything. To be honest, I'm so drained from this I don't have the energy to get angry at her. it's almost like I'm being somewhat of a doormat, but in the past i would always get defensive, so in a sense this is a 180 for me.

i had asked earlier if I should consider this time away somewhat of a separation? i guess I'm trying to gauge the timing of things to see when i should try this or that, if I should consider when I get home the beginning of the separation? It seems logical to count this time apart, but I could be wrong.

[Surviving03]

Man... I am so on your same page of emotions! It is so frustrating sometimes to read people situations and the similarities and listen to each of us realize what we were doing wrong in our M and it just makes me want to shake these spouses like wake up!!! we get it ok?? now lets fix it and be happy again!!

We are in such a tough position though... we know what this situation is like for us apart but we have that state of unknowing of what it is going to be like when we are together again... that is a scary feeling.

I feel the same way about either people who are happy or people who arent... I envy the people who are and the I pity the people who arent. My friend has been complaining to me about her husband and their issues and it drives me insane listening to it, I have said to her well you better figure out how to fix it or you will end up like me. Or I see some miserable couple with all sorts of issues and I just think if they can stay together what is our problem???!!

I hope you can find somethings to GAL over there, Im sure that is REALLY difficult being there. Maybe play some sports or volunteer for something. Its hard to have the motivation at all to want to do those things, but they say its what we should be doing....

[tbart01]

meghunny it's something that's out of both our hands. it's like I said before we need to take this time to work on us. it sounds like we both know what we contributed or what may have failed in our marriage. Unfortunately, we don't fully understand what our spouse is thinking. We won't know until we're reunited with them.

we need to stay on course with our changes, feel better about us, and see what happens. I'm the one deployed and I wish I could call my wife, but I can't because I'm trying to not appear needy. i too made the beginning mistakes, and occasionally slip. It's been almost 3 months since the bomb was dropped on me. we've made baby steps, but it's clear the road ahead is long and rocky.

I truly feel for you, because like you I'm alone and away,s o I know how it feels. As far as the GAL's all i can really do is the gym. I've lost 30 pounds over here and have put on more muscle than I've had in years. I've also been reading self help books and web sites. I truly feel great about the changes I've made. I really like the person I am for the first time in years, possibly ever.

i just hope for the both of us that we get a chance to renew our marriages.