Start of the end..

[iwantittowork]

Hey CTH and Ant, thanks for checking in.

Been a tough up and down weekend, I feel at my core that this past interaction with stbxw was a real problem, and could come back to really haunt me. I feel really bad about 5 minutes of something that I did, that was not a moral thing to do, and broke a boundary really of hers, and she knows it. There is legal jeopardy there as well, so I think I'll need to discuss it with the L tomorrow.

As far as assets, we really have little now, due to bad investments, of which stbxw is disclaiming any involvement with them, saying I was 'controlling' and would have done what I wanted anyways regardless of what she said.

To me, it's like talking to a crazy person at this point, take the current above position. I would have never invested our time, money, and future without her consent, which she gave, as we discussed it many times, and the implications of doing so. I recall clearly one day really leaning against it, sitting her down for a minute, which interrupted her workout, but she did anyways, and telling her I was really worried about this investment. Her response was, you worry to much about this stuff, and everything will work out, plans are in place, and everything works out in the end for a reason.

I left from that sit down with her, and called my partner and gave it the go ahead. How would you characterize that as me being 'controlling and manipulative' and 'never involving her' in any decision making, nor giving any thought or credit to her feelings on things, or our life plans, etc?

It doesn't matter now, but it's tough to listen to her now disavow any connection to any decision we ever had, or made..

Anyways, I am trying to let go of outcomes here, and just live day to day. Get by on what I have, and enjoy my d9, and friends and family that I have. That's about all I can do, I may at some point need to declare bankruptcy, or have 3-5 years of destroyed credit to recoup.

I am trying to not think of myself as 'over the hill' at 40 right now, and hope that someday I find someone who is my partner that is missing at the moment. We'll see.

I thought popped into my head today that saddened me, there are things that you don't often think about with regard to D, but once in a while pop up.

I was proud of the fact that my stbxw was able to know my grandparents before they passed away, as they meant a whole lot to my life, and where 'second parents' to me, and they were whom gave us the opportunity that we had financially to even make some investments.

I'll still have the memories, but anyone in my future won't get a chance to know those incredible people, other than my collection of thoughts, articles, memories. Kind of tears me up a bit to think about that..