Fast track to her divorcing me

[Cautious]

CTH,

Almost everything you just posted applies to me also.

I have the same fears and yes she sees the negatives only it seems. I see the good but I did recognize that our marriage could have been better and I own my own faults even though they were not major.

One of the reasons I can not see my XW with another man is how she was towards me. Honestly, I could not see another man putting up with the crap I put up with. It took being single again to finally see what I should have been treated like by a woman.

But I can only make myself better and have. Ironically, she has to change herself so much more than me if she truly wants to be happy. I think she is in denial.

I'll try to say this as delicately as possible. I definitely want to be on your side, but do you see the resentment and anger in what you wrote? You definitely have a lot of pain, and I can definitely relate to that. I've gotten myself in the same position: Convincing myself that what I did wasn't nearly as bad as ExH doing X, Y, and Z. But when I put myself in ExH's shoes and saw it from his angle, I thought "Man, what a [four-letter word]!" What may seem minimal to you (Complaining about an unkept house, not recognizing accomplishments, etc.), might have been HUGE from your ex's perspective. I know (now) that my ExH is compliment hungry, and I guess we all are, but I would meet him with criticisms instead of compliments "Yeah, you cleaned the living room, but you only cleaned it half-way." What an insult! Even though, yes, when I asked for help, I really meant (and didn't clearly state) I want you to clean this portion of things because it's your stuff and I don't know what to do with it. He would clean the things that I was managing just fine (like vacuuming), and turn to me with a pleased as punch smile and I would just snap at him! What a nag. Yeah, okay, it wasn't what I wanted, but he was just trying to make me happy. And when someone tries repeatedly to make you happy and continually fails, they stop trying.

I guess it all comes down to serving our own selfish needs and desires... we keep picking on them about the things they need to change because of the pain we feel... it makes us feel justified or like the "better person". But loving someone is about loving them, flaws and all. Yes, I see your point that she's not perfect, and maybe in the future she will want to change those flaws you see in her. But right now you have to ask yourself: If she were to come back, still having those flaws, would you try to get her to change or would you accept her the way she is? If not, why are you fighting so hard to keep her - because you're afraid or to keep the power over her, maybe?

I know this probably sounds really negative and is probably tough to hear. I really do want to be your friend and not your enemy and definitely not make you angry. I've just learned a lot about seeing things from the other perspective. Maybe if you think of it like she is the one pursuing you, and while she's trying to "woo" you, the whole time she's listing off everything that's wrong with you? How would that make you feel?