Soaring Solo 2010

[ClingingToHope]

I met a 30-year-old woman in my Marriage Rebuilders class that was on her third divorce. I can't imagine the pain of doing this again. Everyone else at the table except for me and another lady was going through their second divorces.

It makes me wonder if I'll every be able to put myself out there enough to ask someone else to marry me again.

[hoosiermama]

gardener--yeah, this was one of those moments when stuff sneaks up on you and punches you in the gut. it happens. it's part of grief. you're not going crazy, just another step in the journey. and has been pointed out, tears are cleansing and detoxifying. so--it's a good thing, really.

[flowmom]

Grief sneaks up on us, and you'll probably have those moments here and there for a long time. Accept them and embrace them as evidence of your humanity and capacity for love.

Somewhere along the way my H lost his tears and his capacity to grieve broke. It is very sad, and it also walled him off from being able to love me and make himself vulnerable by owning his feelings and needs.

(((Gardener)))

[Gardener]

G-Woman,

I have no problems with unexpected tears, It is so cathartic and I feel so cleansed when I'm done. Just surprised that it's kind of coming back, fairly frequently again in the last few weeks. Of course, I know that "the last few weeks" right now is a phrase that should end with, "since the divorce." That's the reason for their sudden resurgence. Had two good ones today, too, doing yard and garden cleanup with the music blasting. That's something we used to do together all the time, damn near side-by side.

Also, I've got a lot of songs on my i-pod that I've got to purge that set me off.

Coincidentally, this afternoon I asked the broker just that: what he could have said that might have precipitated X's call. He seemed surprised and told me his quick update to her and her response to me kind of fell into the non-sequitur category, frankly.

12:00 showing never showed up, so broker and I had a good, relaxed chat while I puttered in gardens and beds. Says he's completely on board with who his contact and customer is. After yesterday's X call, broker even volunteered that from now on he will correspond/speak with me only and I can be the one to keep X in the loop.

Two interesting (to me) asides. When X called yesterday, I explained the truth quickly and shut down the conversation and she uncharacteristically meekly backed off. Before I clicked off, she made two comments about something in the living room and kitchen which didn't sink in until a few minutes after I had quickly hung up.

X called Friday to ask if she could pick up some paperwork or other. Sure, says I, but I'll be out Friday evening so I'll leave them in the mud room. Next day she's making kitchen and living room comments?

I emailed her this morning questioning her in the house. Told her my very real concerns were threefold:

1) My privacy. I leave things of a personal and private nature out in my room and office when I know there are no showings and I'm not expecting anyone.

2) Boundaries

3) The Final Agreement stipulates your having access with my "prior knowledge" or "advance notification" or some such.

Well, I got a quick apology, it will never happen again along with a several lame reasons why she came inside. Methinks she protested too much.
Busted.

Bad day yesterday. Normally, neither of those things would have gotten me pi$$ed.

Under a mountain of stre$$.

[Gardener]

flowmom,
I know. And trust me, when they come I give them full reign until they're spent. No stifling or shaking them off for me. That'll just cause them to accumulate and do damage or find inappropriate outlets.
Thanks, (((fm))).

[Gardener]

Gnosis and gima,
I overreacted to x's non-sensical reaction.
Plus I was having a bad day.
We both signed the realtor agreement, but he's been pretty cool in communicating primarily with me. His own suggestion today was to communicate with me only and leave it to me to keep X in the loop. Besides, he knows

she even managed a clause in the final agreement that I have sole responsibility for upkeep, cleaning, staging and all aspects of handling and expediting sale.

.X's call didn't help yesterday, that's for sure, but it really was just me overreacting and going off on a bad day.

[Gardener]

CTH,

I met a 30-year-old woman in my Marriage Rebuilders class that was on her third divorce. I can't imagine the pain of doing this again.
It makes me wonder if I'll every be able to put myself out there enough to ask someone else to marry me again.

Speaking for myself, I know I won't. I'm 0 for 2. And this second one was, for 15-16 years something I thought never really happened to people except in the movies. I had 15-16 years of mutual bliss until it inexplicably broke.
I'll take that and count myself blessed.

[Gardener]

Thanks, hm.
Yeah, it's good and necessary grief. I was real intrigued by my having tracked it down to its cause.

Oh, well. My first marriage was a way-too-young, wrong-person-for-all-the- wrong-reasons, marriage, so D was anticipated and a relief.

But this one? Well let's just say I'm 56 years old and until the bomb, a "broken heart" was just something I heard about in songs.

[iwantittowork]

Sorry that you are having a couple bad days Gardener, I hope that you can get your house in order and some forward progress.

Not much I can offer, just wanted to pass along some thoughts, stuck in a rut this weekend myself...

[LolaL]

Gardener: I can sure understand not wanting to marry again. This is 0 for 3 for me, w/ the first one being physically abusive, the second one verbally and emotionally. After the second I swore I would never get married again. We see where that got me.

I agree, I don't think I will ever marry again. It does make you wonder if you can ever even get out there. I know for both of us, the D's are still very new, and the pain is still very raw. I can relate about the unexpected tears, I have cried more in the last few weeks than in the last six months.

I guess the old addage of time healing all things is true, but part of me also doesn't want to stop loving the SG. Do you feel that?