Should mb28 still go to FT with her husband if he agrees to counseling before he shows up at her door and talks about re-commitmenting to the marriage? Just confused because if he goes with her to FT before HE comes to his own conclusion to re-commit could that been seen as mb28 pursuing.
OK, I would not go WITH H. I would agree to attend a session individually. I would take my own car and NOT contact him before the session.
It's not pursuit, its a negotiation line.
When you do a NC with H :
1. You take away his wife 2. You take BACK your dignity
He WANTS to cake eat (in both yours and mb28's case I believe this to be true).
When you take away your contact, you take away the extra cake.. he WANTS that cake.
When you agree to go to a FT... you are saying "I am withdrawing my emotions, but I am willing to hear what a FT has to say since they are an approved professional. I will NOT listen to anything you have to say in private."
This isn't pursuit, its being mature enough to negotiate and to set an example for children to follow. You want them to learn to be willing to negotiate and allow people to be heard, but NOT to be walked on or used.
He wants that cake, if he wants it, he has to work for it by going to FT.
I would NOT make a huge production out of going to FT. I would coldly and dispassionately speak about the importance of marriage, of honesty, and of providing a safe and healthy home for children to be raised.
I would also tell the FT in H's presence that I do NOT currently have any respect for H's parenting right now, he's setting a terrible example for children that I do NOT think they should be exposed to. He is teaching his children to lie and exploit their mother - I do NOT want children exposed to his behaviour.
Originally Posted By: 4luv
My question is triggered by the statement: He has to want it BAD enough that he WILL DO the WORK... him just casually meandering about wanting to take you out with him and the kids is NOT ANYWHERE near what he should be doing yet... so the answer is the same as always.
Inviting your estranged wife on a playdate with your children while you are
1. Lying to your wife 2. Cheating on your wife 3. Provoking arguments with your wife
(feel free to add to the list above)
Is allowing him to SIDESTEP the work so he can just play. It is similar to him suggesting you two write kind text messages to send to one another.
Your H is trying to be a family without OWNING his destructive behaviour.
This is like a child who has misbehaved trying to charm their parents into taking him out to play instead of him doing the work he was given for being bad in the first place.
He's USING your pain to avoid consequences. He KNOWS you want to go... so he invites you.
Do NOT let your spouse off the hook, or they learn NOTHING.
I don't know if you guys read Sasha's post, but to summarize, she cheated on her H, and is frustrated that he doens't want to be married to her anymore, and that he's distant, that he's inaffectionate, and that he refused sex with her.
Well, helloooooooooooooo, she wasn't taking ownership of the damage she's done, she just wants to walk back into her marriage like nothing happened.
You CANNOT let that happen, this is a VERY COMMON mistake made for couples who have had infidelity hit their home. They don't do the work to repair the damage and a LOT of resentment remains in the home, AND your H learns absolutely NOTHING other than that he can stray and be blindly forgiven.
Mb28, your husband hasnt even ADMITTED an EA yet, much less a PA... you think he should get to have a playdate with you and the children? He admitted that he's hurting you, he KNOWS he is... but he isn't STOPPING... That's quite perverse to ADMIT you know you are doing damage to sonmeone and to keep DOING IT.
I would give him NC/Silent treatment until he addresses the infidelity with a FT... he wants to pretend it didn't HAPPEN.
I get the sneaking feeling mb28 that he wants you to give him a free pass to come back home.
It's your choice, but I think that's a HUGE mistake.
Let me ask you outright mb28. What does he need to DO, and what do you need to HEAR before you will fully be past the affair?
Make a nice list, 1 - 20 or whatever, each point is one line, don't write a paragrpah, itemize it like a list.. men LOVE lists, we don't want a paragraph.. we want a list.. so write a list.
This is for YOU right now, and for a FT later on.. don't show it to him.
What WORK does he need to do for you before all of this is history?
Originally Posted By: 4luv
If he is counseling with mb28 and he is still on the fence about what to do and then while in counseling he makes a decision to commit to his marriage, should mb28 still turn him down at first?
Originally Posted By: 4luv
I apologize if I am confusing things for mb28 but I have been following her stitch and the advice she is given.
