Starting Over (Again)

[Cautious]

Okay, I've probably screwed up more than most people. Last time I posted, people were helpful, but not in the ways I needed them to be. I returned to the crying, begging, pleading person I was in the beginning.

A short recap, I've been divorced since January, just got the final papers. Ex probably hates me at this point, as I've ruined everything over and over again. We have one son together (5), we were married for 4 years, and we're both very young: 25 and 26. My friends are trying to be supportive, but I'm never very clear about what I want and my anger from the relationship has definitely made them question my decisions (rebound relationships and switching to DBing, and back). Ugh, I am/was a mess!

Okay, fast forward to now: I just decided that I'm going to make one last shot at this before throwing in the towel. I'm shaky on my own two feet, so I could use some encouragement. I've backslid all the way back to the beginning, so I'll be journaling here for anyone who possibly wants to help me along my way.

Some positive signs from today's conversation:
*He was finally honest about the demise of our relationship and his conflicting feelings for another woman.
*He is happy that our relationship is heading in a friendly direction "for the sake of our son". (Not for long, read my goals next)

That's pretty much it that I can remember for now. After our conversation today, and realizing I was begging for him to come back yet again (Doh!), I knew I needed to start over and get a grip. I've been too sad and too depressed for too long. And while I was making a lot of progress, I was also backsliding pretty hard.

So, for the next several weeks, I am doing no contact. I will not speak to him and I did the hardest thing I can think of to do - I put his number on my blocked list on my cell phone. He can still call, but it will go straight to voicemail, and I will only see that he has called. I will not answer the phone for at least two weeks, though I know several sources recommend a month or longer for NC. If he has a question or concern about Travis I will wait and call him back and deal directly with that issue rather than having any of our friendly chats we've been having lately. He doesn't miss me (yet), and I have to give him time to have something to miss.

This is hardest because we exchange our son every Tuesday and Wednesday night in addition to every other weekend. So I've enlisted the help of some close friends to keep busy and I'm trying to enlist the help of others in the same situation here for some encouragement. I feel strong today, but we all know how quickly that can drop.

I will allow him to initiate any contact. That's it for now, the only goal I have to achieve. It's all about baby steps. And resisting the urge to call or text is going to be hard for me, so wish me luck!

I miss him terribly, and firmly believe that every relationship is just a repeat of every other relationship you have, the ups are simply different scenarios as well as the downs. But nothing beats having your family together and happy. And that's my ultimate goal, to restore my family.

Thanks for reading, your good thoughts, and your prayers!