Hope - sounds like you have found a PMA during rough times with the papers being signed. That is admirable. You are being yourself and that is important. Hoping the positive signs continue!
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Thanks for the support everyone - many times I wonder if I'm not just being a doormat again - but I'm trying to emphasize the positive for now. Sometimes I think I should shut him out and be distant to show I'm not ok with the separation and the plane and all - but I'm hoping for reconsiliation so I am trying to make our times together upbeat, positive and fun.
I must say it's a relief as well after so many months of anger and hurt. I myself can't stomach any more negativity!
Ok dont think of it as being a doormat more a time of stability before youre next move! It doesnt hurt to take time to reflect how the situation is going and what could change for the best and what is working.. Just give yourself some time to reassess your thoughts and feelings on the separation before you start to worry about the what next!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
h4l: I must say it's a relief as well after so many months of anger and hurt. I myself can't stomach any more negativity!
Then go with it and don't frame it as doormat. Frame it as something you can keep positive about for X more months (in your own head). Don't tell him now, but set a deadline in your head for how much longer you can tolerate him keeping this amount of distance. Maybe just know you're going to allow yourself to leave if he doesn't move forward in a certain timeframe. That way you know that you DON'T have to live like this forever, even if he likes it. That's the bottom line. Reminding yourself of that might help keep PMA and the relief from all the R work drudgery. He's not really in charge of the timeline. You are.
In another week or so of not seeing him much because of your rehearsals, I'm looking forward to see if you ask him to meet you or you and S out to lunch somewhere or something.
I think you are right, Freckle. So how did you handle it? Am I right in just letting it go and even being supportive do you think?
And rr - I did tell H I would be home tonight and tomorrow night ("his nights") because I wanted S to have "family time" and i"m worried about being away from him during rehearsals. H seemed surprised and said "oh good". Then I said I was excited to have a flight in his new plane with the whole family as soon as it's up and running (needs a couple more repairs). That's as far as I've gotten with asking for time together with S.
One good thing - babystep: H emailed me a photo of S today. He never does this, but I do it often, to keep him feeling included. This was the first weekend day I've been away from S for six months, so it could be just because H has never had a chance to send me a photo! But it felt good - like H reaching out to me for once instead of me always extending olive branches to him.
We still have not talked about the legal sep. H has mentioned he felt "stressed" that day, but went no further. Really feeling like I want to open up more about feelings, but also afraid to have "R talks" during our at home time. I've been trying to keep it upbeat and positive at home - make it nice to come here for H. I don't want to scare him away by opening up heavy emotions. However, I have a huge laundry list for tomorrow's MC discussions, so I"m not sure if I want to bring it up then either.
had a terrible backslide. I''m sooooo tired of things not changing!
Let's just say after mistakenly getting a virus on my computer a couple of weeks ago which was a big hassle for my H to wipe and reset my computer, I did something mistakenly that could have potentially put my computer at risk again.
H blew up at me and I left crying. I took a walk and called him asking him to speak civilly to me. He said there's no reason to speak civilly when there is a bigger danger on the table. I said that speaking to me that way will not get things to change, it just makes me feel awful.
He goes on to say how justified he is - how he thinks a) I completely disregard him and b) it shows how I will never change and c) nobody in the world would do something as careless as I do and d) I have no regard for the risk it puts him in.
My responses were: a) I want him to speak civilly to me no matter what and b) people do change and I have done a lot to work on changing including being a more responsible person and appreciate not having a globalized statement like that c) of course I care about the risk I put him in, but I would like the respect of seeing that I make mistakes, and maybe I just don't understand the dangers, not that I disregard them and d) it makes me feel awful to have someone standing over my shoulder constantly saying "see? see? you did it again, you'll never change - we've had this same conversation a million times and you still haven't changed."
Feeling just awful. Here I am trying so damn hard all the time, and just wanting to be given a chance and be treated like a valuable human being. He says why should he change the way he talks to me when that's "just how he is and people don't change"
I'm hopeless again. Here I thought there was so much progress.
This was always a problem in our prebomb M too. I always just wanted a hug and an apology for him being harsh - whether he is justifiably frustrated or not. i can hear that he's frustrated, but not the way he talks to me. H has no clue how miserable this has made me for so many years and just feels he is right, end of discussion.
All I ever wanted was a hug afterward. I will never get it. I just want to let him know his feelings matter to me and that I wish my feelings mattered to him.
Help, feel like giving up now.
I just don't know what he wants to see changed in me. I have worked on so many things and it's never enough.
It's this thing that gets me that it's just me that has to change. He honestly thinks I need to not do things or he needs to avoid me for things to get better. He said so. I get into trouble when I try to talk to him about being nicer to me. It gets me nowhere. I just have to know internally that he is being difficult and I can't get anywhere when he's like that and it's not my fault only.
