Your priority is to get control of your emotions which by the way I believe, you are good at (granted the sitch).
You have got to find a way to be/feel a little more positive. Have some faith in what time/God/lady luck/destiny will bring you... Stay strong, it aint over yet. K
FM: It feels really wierd to be alone in a world seemingly filled with couples. OTOH, I was glad to be in a place that was my demographic, and where there was no "single" action going on...I'm not ready for that.
Yes, it's weird and stays weird to be the single among couples if you're used to being in a couple. Even though H and I did a lot independently in the past, he was there in my mind, thus I wasn't single or separated. Now it feels weird. Like, "Look at all the happy couples. I used to be in one. Wonder if theirs will last."
Also, ditto on the single action stuff. Since H and I are separated he is not around to run interference from other men as I guess he must have in the past in a way I didn't notice. Now people ask me out and hit on me more often and it's a pain in the ass. I'm not remotely interested and it's a reminder that I may be about to be single. It just seems depressing. I know I'm supposed to reframe it as "wow, look at all the other fish in the sea" but I don't care or feel like it.
P.S. HAPPPYYYYYYYY BIRRRRRRRRTHDAY! Glad you had some good people to spend it with and glad the children's nights out are getting a tiny, tiny bit easier.
Happy Birthday a day late. Take care of yourself and allow yourself the feel the emotions. Its ok to be sad and cry. In fact, it's necessary. Just keep moving in a positive direction and don't allow the negative emotion to control you.
Happy (belated) birthday!!!!! You are so smart, capable, and strong. You are lightyears ahead of where I was two months after my H left. You need to be gentle with yourself and give yourself big hugs!!!!! You're doing an amazing job!
Thanks for the well wishes everyone . And for the votes of confidence. I'm feeling less teary and raw today, which is a relief.
I had the kids all day, and it was nice to just work around our rhythms rather than H's schedule. I gave the kids the shaving cream (not when H was around), and they had a blast. We also played games and the children played really nicely with a neighbour. I got the apartment tidied up a bit and that felt good too.
I wish I could go on vacation with the kids right now. Or I wish H would go on vacation to give me a mental break .
I think I would like to work on not taking H's facial expressions personally. When he looks wary/haunted and can't make eye contact, I would like to just say to myself "there's a man who is having trouble living with himself" rather than telling myself a story about what that means about me. I'm glad that I can live with myself. I'm not proud of all my behaviours in my M, but I can live with every single thing that I've done, including after the separation.
I'm grateful that DBing has helped me with coparenting. It's provided me with a code of behaviour that is keeping me out of "trouble" with H, and that helps my children and my mental health. I will need to work on boundaries to face the big coparenting challenges (custody/financial negotations) because that will be the point where my priorities as a wife and my priorities as a parent will have to sharply diverge. All the more reason to delay that until I feel really clear.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Hello Flowmom, I locked my Q & A thread today, because it had over 100 posts;(do not know if I will put another up just yet). I relocated your posts in the Q&A(navel gazing?)and came to find you and see how you are.
I'd like to hang out with you for awhile if I may. My time is limited but I'll get on when I can; as I'm out on the road once again.
I read your thread through; and see you're beginning the journey within, all the "rambling" you do is part of that journey.
I do not know what I can do to help, but I can hug you:
(((((((((((((Flowmom)))))))))))))))))
and I can continue to pray for you. I was unsure how long you'd been in this, and I see you've been in this two months.
This is still early days, and so much is still confusing to you; and that's totally understandable.
You're on the right track, considering the time you've spent in this so far, and your friends are giving you great advice.
You're doing fine, considering the place you're in at this point in time. Remember to be kind to yourself, taking care of yourself and the children. And please, don't be so hard on yourself, FM, this is not your fault. It is seen down the road, that things could have been said, and they weren't.
Please forgive me if I'm stepping over my bounds here:
Your husband could have just opened his mouth, and he didn't. I've never understood why it happens this way; could have saved many families alot of trouble if something just had been said about having trouble with this, that or the other...and everything could have been worked out.
But, no, this choice was made, and it was a wrong one in my book. My husband did the SAME thing at the time he was facing his demons; he could have said something, done something to get my attention, but he didn't. And it seemed at the time, that I had to live with the choices he made....when in reality; as I saw later, HE had to live with those, I didn't. That understanding comes when you separate yourself from the situation. I was unable to do that for several months after the bomb.
I can relate to where you are; I still remember those days.
I can tell you this; you're farther along than I was at two months after the bomb dropped, and that's a testament to the amazing strength you've shown thus far.
You're going to be fine, even though you cannot see it right now; but you will, I promise you will.
Happy Belated Birthday, FM!
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
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