25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
I wanted to post a quick update. My stbx-h is dragging his feet on the D, especially on financial and custodial issues. We had our first mediation at the end of Feb, and it looks like we will need another one (or two) in the next couple of weeks to make sure our children will have a solid trust set up for them. I had hoped for an April D, but it may be June before everything is completed.
We've been able to communicate a little more freely over the past month, but I'm afraid that when I talk to him, he takes this as a sign that I have doubts about the D or that I want to come back, which I don't. According to his mom, he's supposed to be going to counseling, but she said that he seems still as depressed as ever. I feel so sorry for him, and it's just awful to witness.
One thing I wanted to mention that might help other people, esp men going through this, is to look closely at tip 25, it's a doozy. We were talking about time schedules with the kids and what will happen as they get older and more independent of us. He gave some snarky remark about if I'll have "time" for the kids since I'm going to be working more and that women think they can "have it all."
Anyway, that just opened up a floodgate in him, total rant ridiculousness, which I realized have nothing to do with me. He kept saying how he had been reading these books about what women want and talking to his buddies who tell him that women want a "strong man" and that he should just stop the divorce cold, blah blah blah.
He just went on this long tirade, and finally, after telling me all the things that he should have done, since "that's what you women want" I took a deep breath and told him: he was wrong.
I tried to explain to him that if he wanted to know what a woman wanted, he should ASK a woman. No man has insight to what women want.
Because they are not women.
How would they know?
And for a moment, I saw a flash of my old husband, the one who didn't buy into these prescribed ideas about how men and women should act. It was such a good moment because it shows that there's something feisty and good still in him.
And he gave a truly good laugh, because it totally hit him like some kind of Vulcan Spock logic...that's right...how would someone like Dr. Phil know what makes women tick...he's no broad. Completely logical.
And if he asked now that he understands that, was it enough to stop the divorce. It's not, but I think it will help both of us as we grieve the loss of our marriage but able to make peace with the new life we are moving to as co-parents.
