I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[Quart9]

I was getting ready for church this morning and I opened the drawer that I keep the copies of the cell phone records (the ones that I saw the zillion text msgs on between W and OM that help me discover A) in and I picked them up and started to look at them.

I only have records from mid Nov '09 until she got a new cell phone around 4th Dec '09. She took me off of our family plan at that time and I know now she did that so I couldn't see her cell phone bill anymore. Looking at the records I do have - I just can't believe how much they were texting each other. All day long non-stop. What really disgusts me is - I didn't notice before I looked at the bill today and I see where she sent him several picture messages too. WTF? Why haven't I noticed this before? And what was she sending him - nude pics or something? I guess I will never know.

I feel like such a retard because I didn't look at these cell phone bills BEFORE I moved out so I could have confronted her BEFORE I moved out.

There were several times when I noticed her texting so much. There was one night that I was feeling suspicious of her and she fell asleep on the couch. I picked up her phone to check it but she locked it so that I could not access it. It raised suspicion in me but I never followed through. Why? I'm retarded I guess.

I wish now I would have just grabbed the phone out of her hand when she was texting one of those nights and looked at it. Hindsight is 20/20 and its too late now.

I still miss here so much even though I know she has been sleeping with OM and she has made it so clear she never wants to be with me again. There's a part of me that still has this tiny little hope we will reconcile and I feel ashamed of that.