1. When you call him up to chat and be nice, you are insulting him - he's hurt. You lied to him and went behind his back and slept with another man while you had a marital commitment to him. When you act casual and light around him, it will be taken as a subtle offence. I am sorry can never be said enough. Sweeping your affair under the rug to keep a warm conversation is NOT going to endear you to him.
2. Yes, "testing the waters" and asking him what the status of the divorce process is does DAMAGE to your efforts, it does NOT help... I realize you want to know, but your wanting to know is NOT helping you.
3. His comment about your "significant other" is clearly indicative about how much you have hurt him and his distrust of you right now. Being NICE and happy around him is just an insult to his feelings.
4. Your efforts to end your affair may not be known to him, and they also need TIME to register. You are expecting him to trust you simply because you aren't cheating anymore. He doesn't trust you any more right now than he would a stranger on the street.
5. Fighting for your marriage does not make you a fool, it makes you an adult.
6. When he asks you what actions you have taken he is "testing the waters" to determine how much he can trust you.
7. Your friend is NOT a professional marital therapist, she's a FOOL. There is NO WAY a man is going to have sex with his unfaithful wife while he doesn't trust her. Men will NOT have sex with someone they don't TRUST. Yes, we DO have our limits.
8. He does NOT want the divorce, he wants the pain of betrayal to end... He is deluded into thinking once he divorces you he will feel better. He is divorcing you because he HURTS and wants to HURT YOU BACK.
9. You need to stop looking at what he is saying and doing and commit to full disclosure of what you have done, what you are doing to correct it, and to be APOLOGETIC and SERIOUS when dealing with him... do NOT make light conversation with him.
I would also make it clear to him that you do NOT want to maintain a friendship with someone who will divorce you rather than fight for his marriage. HE made a commitment too. I would take a stand on that. He has the idea in his head that HIS pain and HIS hurt is the ONLY thing that is important here... and its NOT... YOU are hurting too.
He's being terribly selfish and he needs to be TOLD that. But it has to be done delicately. Do you have any friends or family who can speak with him on your behalf who will be a marriage advocate for you? He isn't gonig to listen to you, he does NOT trust you right now.
I need you to put a list of all the things here that you have done to END the affair and ANY CHANCE of contact.
Don't write a paragraph, please write it as a list, one item per line. I bet I can think of two more items that can be done to every one you have listed.
Most WS's who have affairs think they have done everything to erase the memory of the infidelity, but most of the time they haven't.
