flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

About depression. I've actually been taking supplements to regulate mood for a long time -- cod liver oil, 5-HTP, tyrosine, and, since the separation, St John's Wort. I actually think that they have been helping with regulating mood. My diet is pretty good except that I'm having a lot of trouble eating and the pounds are still falling off.

I know when I'm depressed because I've been through that before. I don't think that I have been until possibly recently, but I'm definitely feeling "at risk". One of the things that triggered major depression for me in my 20s was feeling alone and insecure due to financial worries (paying for life basics). So I need to watch for that one because I feel those fears coming up, especially because I want so much more for my children than food and shelter.

I have done a fair amount of reading about ADHD because I think that my son has it and that's how I realized that I also have it (and some of my family members). I'm taking supplements for that as well...but hard to tell if they're "working".

I now believe that my depression history is actually secondary to the ADHD underlying issue. My lack of effectiveness in my life and my failure to translate intelligence into results have led to the feeling of being "faulty".

I agree with rr about not starting 2 meds at once.

I'm wondering if I should try to tackle the ADHD issue first. Newmama, I have decent earning potential as a self-employed professional. Childcare is a huge challenge with a special needs child, but even more of a challenge for me is that when I block off time to do billable work, I have brutal challenges with actually doing it. External deadlines/motivation/accountability haven't been very helpful for me in the past. It's like there's a war that rages inside me when I try to make myself work. I experienced this even as a child. Every time I fail to honour a commitment to myself to do billable work or anything else, it adds onto a huge pile of guilt, failure, and sense of being defective.

My sister believes that it would help me to work outside of the home to interact more with others and be part of a work community. But realistically, that's not the best option for me right now. I want to spend as much time with my kids as I can, for myself and to help S6 with his special needs. My hourly earning potential is WAY higher with my current set-up than any other situation I could come up with. And I need a lot of flexibility in my schedule to take advantage of H providing free childcare (vs. $15-20/hr). He works day shifts and night shifts on an 8 day cycle and that's not going to change any time soon. Also, I do very specialized work and the rare employment opportunities are not very appealing and strongly vulnerable to layoffs. There's a lot more security in building my business and figuring out how to make it work.

I've been thinking about something that would help. I'm very sensitive to my surroundings and I'm a very visual person. I've been working in a home office that is absolutely chaotic with boxes and piles and needs a paint job and a new carpet. I've also been doing all my non-work computer stuff and forum time in here. I think I need to attack this office and turn it into a calm, peaceful oasis to work. And I need to develop a habit of doing my non-work stuff in a different part of the home so that I don't associate my office and desk with doing the emotional stuff that I'm doing right now.

[flowmom]

Thanks for the book recommendation hoosiermama and Gardener. I've ordered it.

[CityGirl]

I actually think you are coming to some very important realizations to take the next steps. The key is to start taking those steps.

Understanding what triggers depression is a huge accomplishment. You stated your depression came to a head many years ago when you were unable to support yourself and pay for basic needs. I can imagine your current situation is a huge trigger as you not only have to support yourself but two young children.

Instead of wondering what issue to tackle first (depression or possible ADHD) why not make an appt. with a psych that might be able to advise you on both issues? I know it will be hard to actually do it but I really do think you will be amazed once you really get a handle on what is going on in your mind/body. I am not saying life will all of a sudden get easier but things will seem more clear.

I am also self employed and I can relate to all the trials and tribulations self employment brings. There are thousands of online groups for self employed women. It doesn't really matter what your business is, the general concept is still the same. I would imagine your area has a "real life" small business group for women. Most any issue you run across as a self employed person (time management, childcare, marketing, accounting and so on) somebody else has experienced and can offer you support, resources, encouragement, networking and wisdom.

If working outside the home is not a feasible solution for you right now then you must find a way to make your self employment work. I actually think you are in an ideal position. Right now you have the opportunity right in front of you to get the ball rolling with your self employment so you can be with your children. The longer you wait the more that window will close and eventually you may be forced to take a job outside the home making a low wage just to survive. If you have the opportunity right in front of you to resurrect your own business to (A) earn an income and (B) be home with your children don't let it pass you by. If you have obstacles (depression, ADHD) that are preventing you from tackling your business, no matter how hard it is, you must get those in check first.

I am not over simplifying this at all. I almost lost my business due to depression, anxiety and a panic disorder in addition to the chronic illness I deal with each day. I am not saying it is easy but it can be done. You will need support from friends and family, you will need support on the medical side and you will need support from other women who have walked or are walking in your shoes. The good thing is ALL that support is readily available if you can just find it within yourself to get started.

Think of what you can do to make one improvement this weekend. If your office is a mess and chaotic get it cleaned out. Maybe new carpet and a new paint job is not feasible this weekend but I bet organizing, purging and removing some clutter is an attainable goal.

Check out apartment therapy (website). It is a fantastic place to get inspiration (on a budget) for small living spaces.

[rr22]

Have you read any of the perfectionism/fear of failure/procrastination psych. stuff? Does any of it resonate with you in a way that could translate to resolving or forging forward on any of this?

Or this http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/

[flowmom]

I do not believe your H has a legal strategy. His strategy is depression.
Confusion = MLC

It causes most people to not think clearly or rationally.

Here's my confusion. I believe that H is depressed (or was at least) and that he may be in a MLC (though he may be just restructuring his identity as a WAS as someone pointed out. But in terms of H's actions, I do not believe that he will allow confusion or depression to stop him from setting goals and achieving them, since that has been a major driving force in his life. His goals now are likely creating a new identity (wanting to be the "artist of his life"), starting a new sexual relationship (probably already there), creating a coparenting R with me, and divorcing. He will most likely put the highest priority on achieving those goals even if there is depression/MLC brewing underneath. And he will most likely put the M behind him with little apparent grief as he did both of his dead brothers and his last totally different career path that he invested 6 years of education and a couple of years of work in.

This is a sketch of H's personality type that gives a very good idea of how he operates (INTJ):

General Description of the INTJ

* - Manipulates the world of theory as if on a gigantic chess board, always seeking strategies and tactics that have high payoff.
* - Eye for the consequence.
* - Can be ruthless.
* - Seldom counting personal cost .
* - Dealing with reality.
* - Using deductive logic, they use their intuition to grasp coherence.
* - Useful.
* - Creativity.
* - Very single minded at times - this can be a weakness or a strength.
* - They can ignore the points of view and wishes of others.
* - Coherence is the master.
* - Cost effective.
* - Relationships which have psychological distance.
* - Often seem demanding and difficult to satisfy.
* - Independent.
* - Hypersensitive to signals of rejection.
* - Others receive a sense of haste.
* - Vulnerable in the emotional area and may make serious mistakes here.
* - When asked to put something together for the first time - a prototype - he is all the more happy, since he is doing that which is most worthwhile.
* - Abhors unsnarling messes.
* - Things have to make sense.- Avoids redundancy.
* - May have difficulty communicating the details of goals.
* - Prefers not to say anything twice and assumes understanding.
* - Serious.
* - NTs tend to be relatively uninterested in acquiring wealth.
* - Nts usually take family responsibilities seriously.
* - NTs tend not to "own" the behaviors or bodies of their mates.
* - NTs' own errors are those which are inexcusable and unforgivable.

H may be in a MLC, but he does not live in the shades of grey of life. He will put on his black-and-white glasses and ACT. The only possible source of confusion for him will be that I am the mother of his children. But I believe that he will be able to put me in a "box" and figure out a way to treat me that honours me being the mother of his children...and nothing more.

[flowmom]

Have you read any of the perfectionism/fear of failure/procrastination psych. stuff? Does any of it resonate with you in a way that could translate to resolving or forging forward on any of this?

Or this http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/

Yes, I investigated that stuff a few years ago and it did resonate. I'll check out that link.

[flowmom]

Right now you have the opportunity right in front of you to get the ball rolling with your self employment so you can be with your children. The longer you wait the more that window will close and eventually you may be forced to take a job outside the home making a low wage just to survive. If you have the opportunity right in front of you to resurrect your own business to (A) earn an income and (B) be home with your children don't let it pass you by. If you have obstacles (depression, ADHD) that are preventing you from tackling your business, no matter how hard it is, you must get those in check first.

Yes. This is exactly what I am thinking.

Check out apartment therapy (website). It is a fantastic place to get inspiration (on a budget) for small living spaces.

Used to be one of my favourite things to do when I was supposed to be working

[givingitmyall]

flowmom,

To repeat: Get this book!

And listen to hoosiermama. The woman knows of what she speaks!

Just ordered it myself.

[Number 8]

flowmom, just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I wish that I had some sage (or at least helpful) advice to offer, but I don't feel like I have much to offer anyone right now (maybe more sleep might help me be more effective). Since I can't help, I'll just offer my support. Like I said before, I'm one of flowmom's biggest fans!

[flowmom]

So I survived turning 42 yesterday. My sister and friends kept me busy most of the day. I had trouble holding back the tears a lot of the day, but managed to pull it together when we went out last night.

We went to an intimate jazz bar and spent a few hours listening to great live music, drinking, and nibbling. I truly am blessed to have people who care about me and in tune with where I'm at in my life last night. I know that they wanted me to have fun, but they also would have been there for me if I was crying into my glass too.

It feels really wierd to be alone in a world seemingly filled with couples. OTOH, I was glad to be in a place that was my demographic, and where there was no "single" action going on...I'm not ready for that.

I also survived my kids' second overnight at H's apartment. It bothers me that I haven't even seen it.

Trying to prioritize my IC session tomorrow. Thinking:

1. getting advice on picking a L and what D procedure is right for my sitch (standard, collaborative, mediation, etc.)

2. working on figuring out how to follow through on doing billable work

3. asking more about IC's game plan if I did ask H to come to discuss the terms of the separation