Sounds like you are really taking steps you need to and thinking about things you need to in order to move forward, even though this is not at all what you wanted. That's good.
Quote:
I'm pretty sure H is NOT having any difficult conversations with the girls. He acts as thought things are fine between them, and when their anger is very obvious, he gets mad in response.
Isn't that the whole crux of the MLC - running from the problem and not facing it? It is way easier for your H to stick his head in the sand and try to ignore the fact that the girls are in so much pain and so angry than to work through it with them, because I am sure he knows deep down he won't like what he hears. I know you will continue to help the girls any way you can to work through it, and hopefully in time he will be open to talking it through with them as well.
The emails regarding kids' schedules have been flowing back and forth all week..Finally saw H this morning at D14's drumline competition.
As we were going to our cars, H brings up some financial stuff. During the conversation it becomes apparent that H thinks we had a conversation in which we both agreed to get divorced and that H feels I've shut him out of my/our kids' lives and H thinks I decided, on my own, that D12 can go on this summer trip.
D12, unfortunately, heard much of he conversation even though she was in the car with the doors shut and we were outside.
OK this is tripping me out. To be face-to-face with more rewriting of recent events really makes me question my perspective.
H texted D12 tonight to see if she wanted him to go to tomorrow's meeting. She came and told me she told H that she didn't care, but if we fought then she didn't want him to come. So he told her he wasn't coming.
I obviously failed miserably at DBing today. Mentally I don't think I'm trying to bust the divorce at this point as it seems pretty much a done deal. I thnk I'm trying to get my head around the fact that I will be a single mom/co-parent soon and prepare myself for that. I still hope H will wake up someday and maybe things will work out somehow between us..but I don't think that day will happen very soon.
Just feel bad for D12.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Where are you in Colorado? I'm in Broomfield, moving soon to Erie. Wanted you to know about a 10-week seminar (held in Lafayette) based on the book, Rebuilding, When Your Relationship Ends by Dr. Bruce Fischer. I finished in Dec. of 2009 and it gave me some new friendships and perspectives on things. AND, people do take the seminar and get back together, there's always hope.
I'm so sorry that we have found ourselves here, but it's THEIR journey, not ours. Take Care of yourself!!!
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
Hi Golfgirl, I'm nearby in Louisville, moved from Lafayette in August. Have lived in Boulder county since 1988. I actually plan to take the Rebuilding seminar-think the next one starts at the end of this month.
Just have a hard time hearing H say that he thought we agreed to divorce, that he didn't see me trying to save our marriage...Like he is a different person than the one I was interacting with, going to marriage counseling with last year. How could he forget that I was stuned when he announced he wanted a divorce? How could he forget that he already had retained a lawyer when he asked for the divorce so I "wouldn't be able to talk him out of it.."?
That stuff just blows my mind.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
KJ and Golf, would you mind passing the info along on the seminar? When and where will it be? Or tell me what to Google and I'll find it. I'm a few hours away, but might be able to make the trip.
KJ, I feel your pain, especially where it concerns your Ds. Do something with them today that you all can enjoy!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Hi Twink, Dr. Bruce Fisher wrote the book Rebuilding. So search for Fisher divorce recovery seminars or rebilding, will do it. Seems like there are several seminars going on at one time, led by various people. I've heard good things about it from my therapist and others.
Have a wonderful day!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
The conversation you are having regarding the divorce with your H sounds like convo I have about plans with my H.
It is as if they have no memory or ability to recall conversdations or how decissions are made. I have had the same conversation with H sometimes 3 or 4 times. Each time he speaks as if its the first. He has also told the children that any plans he has made I did it! Even blamed D19 for one of his cock ups that he had planned. Luckily it was me he told not my D so he couldn't blame her.......
There s so much dense fog in their brain they really don't function at all. This allows them to justify all sorts by rewriting history as you pointed out.
You will LOVE the rebuilding seminar; it's the only thing that has kept me sane. I hear the same speech over and over, his brain is gone. He actually told me he can't believe I filed for divorce last July. Huh? I said I would work on the marriage if he tossed her out of his company and ended the affair, neither of which happened.
He's coming to take the other dog in about an hour and I can barely breathe. Hope you're having a good day.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
GG-Hope your weekend was OK with seeing your hubby. Twink-thinking of you and what you're going through!
So after the bad ending of my conversation with H on Saturday, he emails me that he's got a plan to take care of the the particular financial question he'd asked me this past weekend. He stated that he was doing this on his own and hadn't consulted his lawyer. It was a far plan so I responded as such. Shared a bit about my car repair estimate ($9400!!!) and that it would take a month..
H emailed back and was sypathetic about the car, took care of the financial thing..wished me a good day. all very friendly and nice.
Last Sunday H played tennis with D14 for 2 hours...Most time he's spent with her in a long time.
Not sure if all this means anything..or just the usual rollercoaster ride.
I'm pretty detached at this point and can't see being with H as he currently is. All the anger he has towards me has really pushed me far away.
I sitll have anger towards him and the things he's said and done, but it seems to be slowly lessening in impact.
For all the stuff I believe about MLC- and its from an objective viewpoint of hearing others' stories, I guess I'm still skeptical that my H is, in fact, in MLC and that he'll acutally "wake up" someday..
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
K I dont know what happens to them MY xh said the same he said the D was mutual..I said no it was not mutual you wanted it, I didnt I believe my xh conveniently made up stuff in his mind to avaoid dealing with what was maybe that is the way they can deal with the hurt they created after a time I wonder if all the lies they tell themselves become the truth for them, an they live in a delusional state confused to what is real and not mental illness is probably much the same peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
