I have not read all of your 3000+ posts. What do you think your w wants to achieve with D? You said she was unhappy/ depressed.
Maybe let her go, find herself? You cannot be happy in M when you are not happy on your own. This is something that goes against the grain on these boards. Have you thought of a trial separation?
I suspect she is depressed. And I am pretty sure I'm right. Until she addresses the reasons for her unhappiness, getting rid of me won't change her unhappiness.
She asked for a D from the day of the bomb and hasn't wavered.
I don't want to be D'd. I don't want my family ripped apart. But, I can't make her stay.
I have been DB'ing since shortly after the bomb. She has done nothing to work on the M. I don't see a trial sep changing that.
I will have a happy life no matter what happens. I have a preference of what I would like to happen but no control over forcing that result. She needs to lose me to understand what she had. Not sure she will ever figure that out or, if she does, if she will do it in time. Not waiting for her. I have a life to live, with or without her.
GIMA- Great attitude...sounds like acceptance and knowledge of what you deserve.
Whole Again- I agree very much w/ personal happiness, but in the context of M, I believe you can have both- unless the sitch is that the unhappy partner is interested in someone else or simply wants to be single.
That's what's been so confusing in my sitch- W can GAL and do whatever she wants, but she believes she's simply unhappy w/ me. I dunno really, very confusing for me, but like GIMA said- can't make anyone stay, and can't wait for them to perhaps realize you can have both
What I'm getting at is that your w needs to have it together before she can work on the M. She might never get it together while she is in the current set up. I am not offering advice. I am giving another perspective.
From what it sounds like it's not about you, it's about her. She wants a life on her own. She's not going to have it while staying in the house. Maybe let her move out and be happy? Piece it after?
I understand there are children and financial obligations involved. Both of you might not want to separate until D is final.
If she...Screw it. She hasn't and apparently will not. And only SHE can make that decision. If she only knew how much we could do for each other in a new, healthy M and how much we could help the kids by doing that. As much as I want to SHOW her that, I can't. She has to do that. But she won't.
It is so clear to us and so frustrating that the WAS doesn't see this. I know many who realized this after it was too late and the LBS had moved on and found someone else. It is sad.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
What I'm getting at is that your w needs to have it together before she can work on the M. She might never get it together while she is in the current set up. I am not offering advice. I am giving another perspective.
From what it sounds like it's not about you, it's about her. She wants a life on her own. She's not going to have it while staying in the house. Maybe let her move out and be happy? Piece it after?
I understand there are children and financial obligations involved. Both of you might not want to separate until D is final.
Would you ever consider working on M after D?
Again, not an advice, only random thoughts aloud.
I asked her to move out months ago. Seemed like the choice to me since SHE is the one who wanted the change, not me. She looked at me like I was crazy and said no way.
I think I would remain open to the possibility of reconciliation even after a D was finalized. That said, I am not waiting around on her to change her mind and see the light so to speak. I WILL move on with my life, and part of that life is finding someone new. Not b/c I have to in order to complete me, but b/c I WANT to to help enrich an already great life.
But to answer your question Wholeagain, yes, I would remain open to reconciliation up to the point there is someone new in my life. Given W's actions thus far, I doubt she will put any time into addressing her issues.
I really had not thought about a trial seperation. Mostly b/c she has never suggested it. I am not sure how I feel about that. Me waiting around on her, while she lives in MY house with our kids? Not sure I like that.
I really had not thought about a trial seperation. Mostly b/c she has never suggested it. I am not sure how I feel about that. Me waiting around on her, while she lives in MY house with our kids? Not sure I like that.
You're right, of course, about this. Also: 1) One never leaves the marital home, bed, etc. 2) Statistics on Trial Separations are:
13% Reconcile 87% Do not
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I really had not thought about a trial seperation. Mostly b/c she has never suggested it. I am not sure how I feel about that. Me waiting around on her, while she lives in MY house with our kids? Not sure I like that.
You're right, of course, about this. Also: 1) One never leaves the marital home, bed, etc. 2) Statistics on Trial Separations are:
13% Reconcile 87% Do not
Gardener, thanks.
Wholeagain, I am definitely open to all ideas, so thanks.
I just don't see a trial seperation getting my sitch where I would like to see it. So, what I have left is me and the kids. Focus on those aspects, keep working on myself, and see where this all leads.
The thing that bothers me is trying to understand someone who would let her pride keep her from her highest duty - keeping the family together for us and for the kids (and, yes, I see that as MY highest duty as well).
