Not sure which way to go anymore

[Mystik]

Journaling:

Had a good talk with my therapist on Wednesday about the possible reconciliation. She said it's a good sign that I'm not all sunshine and rainbows thrilled. Which I'm not. I'm feeling rather... ambivalent. I love my H, I think, but have slowly reached the point where I think that I'm detached. That, or my heart has been broken so much it no longer feels. I do feel quite numb, like it's all some sort of surreal dream. Hmm, does sound more like broken to the point of numbness than detachment, doesn't it?

I'm finally reaching the point where I can say I'm content with my apartment, I'm starting to feel that maybe I will be ok after all. Then he goes and mentions R and now I'm all thrown off. I don't want to go with what I know he's going to suggest of a three bedroom apartment and work on the relationship while living together. I am afraid that he or I will change our mind and say "this won't work" and DS will be crushed all over again. I think the best idea is for him to get himself a studio apartment or something small like that and spend most of his time with me and DS. We can go through the whole dating thing again, rebuild our relationship that way. But is part of piecing jumping back in with both feet again? But then I'm afraid that if I suggest separate apartments to begin with he'll change his mind and walk anyway. So no, I guess I'm not detached like I need to be.

Another thing is I want to talk to him now, lay it all out now about how I want separate living while we work on rebuilding. I want to warn him that I've been so incredibly hurt that he's going to have to work his ass off to fix things. I want to know that he is 110% committed to doing anything it takes, that he's not trying to reconcile with me because it seems like the easier thing to do. I want to know that I'm the reason he wants to work things out, not that I have his son so to get to his son he has to take me back. And mostly I want him to leave OW now, if he was truly serious wouldn't he be trying to move heaven and earth to find a way out of the lease now instead of waiting another 2+ months? But at the same time, I don't want to talk to him at all until he's at the very least gotten a set date he's going to move out of that place.

Gaah, this is all so confusing. Going to post in the piecing forum about the situation and see what they all think is the best way to go about this. They are more experienced on the subject than I am.