Calling all affair annihilators & boundary setters

[courts0818]

Curious...what should I be looking for in an attorney? I met with one last year and really liked her. She was recommened by a counselor at my church bc she has a very strong focus on children.

But, how do I know if she's the best for me? What should I try to "get?" I'll be honest, after everything H has done, I'm not looking to make this easy on him - & that's putting it nicely. Although I also don't want to be out of control and get super ugly. I want justice.

[Greek]

You want a bulldog. Strong focus on children? What does that even mean? I don't see that as the attorney's job. That is YOUR job - to focus on your children. You want an attorney who is not timid and will get the BEST settlement for YOU - which is what is best for your child. You want to make sure your lifestyle changes as little as possible so that you can provide that consistency for your daughter.

Added bonus if your L is an attractive, strong male. MHO.

Greek

[knittedscarff]

But, how do I know if she's the best for me? What should I try to "get?" I'll be honest, after everything H has done, I'm not looking to make this easy on him - & that's putting it nicely. Although I also don't want to be out of control and get super ugly. I want justice.

Here's a good tip a friend gave me for tips on a divorce lawyer.

1.) Get the best attorney you can afford. Take money out of your savings if you have to. It's better to spend more $$$ up front having a strong attorney than one that you have to keep going back to or negotiates in a way that you'll need to make serious adjustments in the future.

2.) Get an attorney who will return your calls within 24-48 hours, consistently.

3.) Get an attorney who understands they are working FOR you and WITH you. Not one who is looking to settle or says things like "This is how most people do it." Your situation is unique and unlike any others. Always remember that.

4.) Do not confuse your attorney with your therapist or counselor. Since lawyers charge by time, don't be tempted to tell them about how much this is hurting you or how emotional you are. Time is money. If you have an attorney who lets you ramble on about the sadness or anger you feel, they are essentially a thief. A good attorney will let you talk for about 3 minutes about how upset you are and if they don't switch to the legal issues at hand, get rid of them. Remember that you are the boss in this situation.

5.) Some attorneys work in firms that have finance people on the payroll or their firm. Those are usually more expensive but ultimately worth the costs. You'll need a firm list of the marital assets to be divided, which will most likely be challenged by your H's lawyer. If your lawyer has in-house finance representation, the turn-around on establishing agreeable assets may be sooner (I haven't had this in my situation, but a friend suggested it to me).

6.) Make sure you feel comfortable with your attorney's personality. There's the idea that you want a bulldog who's going to be harsh and brutal, but I do not work well with those types of people. The lawyer I'm with is soft-spoken but smart and assured. Kind of like the character Meryl Streep played in The Devil Wears Prada - where she was fearful with her silences - or, in my case, like George Clooney in the film Michael Clayton (only not as good looking). But he understands his role is janitor, that is, to clean up the mess of our marriage. Not be full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

If it seems like your lawyer is more like an actor on Law and Order, ditch them. Real lawyers, esp. divorce lawyers, are best when they are not showboats. You've had enough drama, you don't need a legal eagle who is waiting for his close-up.

7.) I don't know how or why an attorney would be considered pro-children, but the goal is to protect your children's interests at the outset. The first agreement was to figure out the way we would structure the trusts for the kids. This settlement is untouchable by me or my stbx-H, except in the case of accident, illness, or death.

8.) Have an attorney who isn't afraid of those topics, even if they seem distasteful or too emotional for you - accident, illness, or death is something that nobody likes to talk about, but it happens. If your spouse or you dies, does custody revert exclusively to the ex? In our case, no, I have a clause that states a member of my family would continue the 50-50% agreement we have on visitations. In case of serious illness or disability, we have some general guidelines. It was a tough thing to think about, but I'm glad we did.

9.) Don't get suckered into the way you feel as the guiding principles for your divorce settlement. I know that you hurt, everyone who gets divorced never really thinks they'd be in this situation, but they are all the same. Courts are not places for punitive settlements. And to make this clear, there's no $$$ amount you could place on it that would give you satisfaction. Always remember that the loss of you is priceless. Believe it, it's true.

10.) If you feel like your lawyer is not working for you, get rid of them. Again, I can't be clear enough, you are paying for their services, make sure you feel like you are getting your money's worth.

[knittedscarff]

One more quick note. Some divorces will have contractual stipulations that prevent the involved parties from discussing the terms of the settlement. Just be aware of that, and you can request that too. I did that so in case my stbx-h gets married again, the terms of the trusts (should) be essentially off-limits to any future lovers or spouses of my ex.

And lastly, the rules of the state that you're in will determine how long all of this may take. Good luck!

[courts0818]

I have to work today, so I only have a second. I'll go back and read your posts when I get home. Just wondering - is it a possibility that I keep our house? That is what I want more anything - for security for DD. I know H will try to throw it in my face that I haven't made one house paymnent - even though we jointly agreed that he would be the traditional provider and I would be a stay at home mom.

[elscotto]

Put the attorney on a credit card even if its only in your name. This will be a marital debt incurred while you are married and ensures that he will have responsibility for half.

I did this with my Ex but I instead wire transferred the retainer out of an account she never checked and didn't have access to.

LMAO--she paid half the retainer for an attorney to bend her over.

NEVER cut corners on your attorney, accountant, or physician!

Good luck and PM me if you need any other advice although the peeps on this board seem to be a pretty sharp bunch on all aspects of life.

Ciao'

[elscotto]

Yes yes yes you can keep the house but you may have to buy him out of the house. That is--for example:

House Appraised = 250k
Loan Amount = 190k
Equity = 60k

You pay hubby 30k (his half of what the two of you own in the house) and do a refinance of 220k for instance.

I kept the house--now mine. We got 3 appraisals and averaged them. The market is DOWN right now so I bough tthe house for 257k UNDER its appraised value 3 years ago. She was PO'd--my response--"you picked a crappy time to have an affair!"

Good luck!

[courts0818]

My head is spinning when I think about this legal stuff.

When I say the lawyer I already met with has a strong child focus, what I mean is - she either does or used to work for the Department of Child Services in my city & county. I think I was referred to her bc I'm such a mess about what a divorce could do to my DD. This lawyer is supposed to focus on what is best for the child - I guess with cooperative parenting, custody, maintaining a similar lifestyle and so on. To be honest, I met with her about a yr ago and most of that meeting is a blur. She is a general practice attorney.

My sister recently met with an attorney for some issues with her ex. She said he tells it like it is and doesn't play around, that he will go for all you can get. He's rough and is not the kind to give a hug or comfort you. It's $250.00 just to meet with him. After he determines how much work he'll have to do for you, he decides what the retainer fee will be.

IDK...maybe I should have a second a meeting with the female laywer and also meet with the male lawyer to see what they both think I can get. Thoughts?

Does the lawyer actually use an affair to get the cheated on spouse more? Will they even look at all my proof - cell statement, bank statement, log of the time H has spend with DD since he moved out?

I'm worried about that huge chunk of $ I will have to pay H to possibly keep the house.

And the thought of "sharing" my DD just about kills me. I know my little girl needs her daddy, but he's such a shady rotten person right now, that I'm going to try get as much time with her as possible. I'd like to have her 24/7, but like I said, I know she needs her dad.

: (

[courts0818]

Yuck...I hate nights like this. I'm so thankful to have my DD home with me, but I'm just feeling sad and lonely. This sucks!

I have't slept well the last couple of nights and I had to work this morning so I guess I'm just feeling a little physically and emotionally drained. It was such a nice, springy kind of day though - thankful the sun was shining.

Trying not to think about what H is doing tonight. Looking forward to church in the morning - something I really, really need.

I've been thinking a lot about the upcoming meeting(s) with a potential lawyer.

: (

[courts0818]

I know the boards aren't that busy on the weekends, but if anyone happens to read this...last night I sent H a not so nice text. I was tired and grumpy and our DD was the same way, but she also started whining for him and kept saying, "I miss daddy."
The text I sent just made a comment about him being away and her whining for him. He never responded (didn't think he would).

Anyway, he just sent me a text this morning asking if I was going to church. And he asked me to go to the casino with him.
?????? Now why does he do stuff like that? He never invites me to do anything with him. If he wants to be with someone else, he needs to leave me alone.