So...our story left off with WAH taking LBS to the airport to go to a conference for work this morning. I was deluded into thinking that this gesture was one of goodwill and care (and maybe even a little bit of heart). But it turns out that it was likely more about guilt. When he said goodbye to me at the airport, I got a big hug & he had tears in his eyes. He was planning to stay at the house while I am away to 'be with the cats.' I had hope that it might jog some kind of feeling from him...but...
Fastforward to this evening, when I got a text letting me know that the cats were fed. I guess he forgot that he had last texted me, because then a series of texts arrived that were meant for what I now know is the EA OW (my FORMER young - 23 y.o. - friend). The first one (that I thought was for me) was about how he was bringing a night stand and some clothes back to our 'home' ending in 'I Love You Sweet Baby!' I'm thinking: Whoa! It didn't take long for that to happen, huh? (I was happy!). The next one talked about me in the third person: how sad and hurt and guilty he feels about the loneliness of the house, the weight I've lost and how he feels my soul is rotting (still, I am unsure...and wondering if he is just empathizing). Then he sent the final BOMB: "wishing we could be together. I love you (OW's name)" ...this was MY friend! WOW! This was also the girl that he confessed feelings for in Nov shortly before he declared that he would dedicate his life to showing his love for me. But now it seems she is beginning to return those feelings since he left!!
To this I replied: "you're writing to the 'rotting soul' here...not your new sweet baby'. And the crazy phone call ensued...
Well, I think that he REALLY meant it when he said that it is over now. And it is perhaps completely futile at this point. He thinks he is 'in love' with her, despite the fact that they decided not to see each other in person, but only text (or so he says). He is convinced that we're not compatible and that I made him 'disappear' amid all of my own pursuits until he doesn't know who he is anymore... Or maybe I mean to say that I am truly, completely ready to DETACH - without a doubt now. But he still wants to pick me up at the airport on Monday night (go figure!).
It would be just too impossible for me to imagine loosing my dignity and believing that there is any shred of hope for restoration at this point. I must move forward and move on...
OUCH! Help, I'm drowning!
SoftHeart (turned to mush tonight)...
Me 42 H39 WAS 2/5/10 EA 3/6/10 marriage DOA...but working on getting disentangled.
I haven't read any of your situation except for your recent post and that crazy text you got and I have to say, "What a total ass." He's also a blamer. He's blaming you for his identity problems and claiming you MADE him not know who he is anymore? He sounds like he needs counseling.
He is externalizing blame for all of his weird problems on you. And he has the nerve to feel pity for you? Sorry you had a rough night, but keep your dignity. You are not the loser in this situation this evening. He is living in fog land. I know many 23 year olds. And unless he is Donald Trump, his old self will be dumped soon enough. And if I were you I wouldn't take him back after that happens unless he had a TON of therapy. Soul is rotting? Project much? His soul is rotting from guilt and deceit. Sorry if this sounds harsh. But you certainly do not deserve this and don't let him make you think you do.
I really needed to hear those words! I did feel as though the 'soul rotting' thing was a bit of projection... Of course, I couldn't stop myself from texting my young friend to question her humanity and morals - messing with a psychologically fragile person (people! me included!), especially when she knows that I still love him...
It's all too much tonight!
SH
Me 42 H39 M 10 years, T 12.75 years MLC began spring 2009 ILYBNILWY 1/18/10 WAS 2/5/10 EA revealed 3/6/10 EA ended (by her) 3/7/10 M - DOA...but working on getting disentangled.
He also sounds like he might have had a nervous breakdown and not MLC. That is what the not bathing and taking care of personal hygiene that you noted and ranting was about. Also that's what the saying he was suddenly going to become a documentary filmmaker was about. I just went back and read all of that. He is having some type of mental or depressive episode. People who want to have an affair and just leave their wives don't stop bathing and doing normal hygiene. People with mental problems do. He's probably not going to listen to you about it either. It will probably cast you back in the parental role and give him an excuse to yell at you some more. This is a tough situation and one many can relate to. I wish you patience.
When the drama dies down and she has a guilt-ridden depressive on her hands, the fun will be over. You might want to move to the infidelity thread tomorrow and see what they have to say. It really sounds like he's having a mental episode also though.
I suppose that my own faith in the 'power of love' was a ridiculous delusion (unless we're talking about the power of love for myself to heal me from this mess)...
To my thinking...the not bathing, etc. is directly related to the Depression stage of MLC. The young lady in question (EA/OW) also has a 'thing' about not bathing often (and suffers from a low level of depression on most days, despite her ability to 'put on a happy face'), so it seems that he was emulating her to some degree. The phone call definitely cast me in the authoritative role once more. Still, I did not cry, I did not beg, but I made it clear (like a dumb a$$) that I still loved him and think that he is in a fragile state and has no business pursuing this unhealthy relationship with a girl half his age. He justified it by talking about the biological bases for younger women being attracted to older men and visa versa.
Just like the MLC itself, he claims complete lack of control ("I didn't choose this, it chose me" became: "WE didn't choose this"). He terminated with his counselor last week and does not have plans (refuses) to seek another. Knowing her love for drama and reasons for depression, the 'guilt-ridden depressive' will give her plenty of fuel for 'feeling sad' for a long time to come...
I think that I have lost my heart for DBing (not the GAL part - which I MUST do at any rate, but even working toward restoration of any kind!)...I am not sure that my own sense of self-respect and dignity can take it, when it has gone this far.
I am looking for any words from LBS's that experienced this and how they found the strength? I completely lost my cool, calm, confident self in the drama on the phone with him last night and I just want this nightmare to end...
How does one keep going in the face of the utter madness of MLC? I am convinced that he basically has absolutely no idea what he's doing!
I have a long day ahead of me working at this conference and have to stay 'on' and bright and cheerful - which I am able to do...but I'm a total mess inside!
Devastated, SH
Me 42 H39 M 10 years, T 12.75 years MLC began spring 2009 ILYBNILWY 1/18/10 WAS 2/5/10 EA revealed 3/6/10 EA ended (by her) 3/7/10 M - DOA...but working on getting disentangled.
I agree it sounds as if he is in replay and depression hence the lack of care of himself.
Some men let their personal care slip and put on weight etc as part of their journey.
All the things you read are a shock and you are reeling from them. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You need to heal from this setback and make decisions when the emotions aren't as raw.
You are right he has no idea what he is doing. His head is full of fog and he continues to justify his EA by blaming you. This stops him from dealing with the real unhappiness in his head. He may aslo be keeping you sweet at the moment as he is very confused with what he wants. You have to decide what, if any, boundaries you need to put in place at the moment.
It is very early days at the moment. Be kind to yourself. Start to detach from this emotional trauma if you can. By detaching you will withdraw from the game and save yourself.
I am sure other good advice will be given to you from other people on the forum to help you.
Sorry this is happening. Go back to the detach link. You need to distance yourself from this nonsense. LA is giving you good advice. MLC is horrible and you have to understand the depression does crazy things.
Try to stay with one thread. Use this one is fine but if you have more than one going at a time it can get very confusing for people to try to follow along.
I have a very long road of healing ahead of me...but one that I MUST endure to the best of my ability. Not just detaching, but re-attaching to myself.
Right now, I am just trying to breathe and literally take one second at a time.
SH
Me 42 H39 M 10 years, T 12.75 years MLC began spring 2009 ILYBNILWY 1/18/10 WAS 2/5/10 EA revealed 3/6/10 EA ended (by her) 3/7/10 M - DOA...but working on getting disentangled.
SH: He justified it by talking about the biological bases for younger women being attracted to older men and visa versa.
Classic. That's is just comical. I would say that too if I was almost 40 and wondering why on earth a 23 year old would want me. He knows something is wrong with her and or him and their "magical" love is not long for this world and he's trying to explain it to himself. Unless he is Brad Pitt or Donald Trump or she is desperately unattractive and has NO OTHER options, the average 23 year old will not stay will the average 40 year old for more than a few months. I'm sorry. It just is not true. If the 17 year age difference was 33 and 50, slightly higher odds. He wants this to be because he is hot and there's nothing wrong with her or him. Not true. He can crock up as many quasi-biological theories as he wants. He's a cheater and depressed. She is getting a boost from the attention and all buzzes wear off. And why can't they both just take a bath?
