Spouse Suffering From Depression

[sgctxok]

Please start a new thread as your thread is large. Large threads interfere with the mechanics of the board and slow it down.

Thanks.

[Lucky11too]

So lots to reaccount from the last few days. So on our annversay night on Thursday, H had already let me know that he wasn't planning on seeing me, but he did actually stick around to say hi real fast when I picked up S. Just in case, I invited him over for dinner with my family, but he already head plans (I thought so, but I just wanted to throw that out there). I was a little bummed that he chose to make plnas to go out with his guy friend on our anniversary, but at least he did make plans with me to hang out Friday instead. I feel a little like he wanted to use the anniversary as an excuse to go out with me, but didn't want to really acknowledge what having the annversary meant (which is understandable - it was acutally kind of ackward for me too to tell people that we were going out for our anniversary, b/c it's kind of like we are "celebrating" 4 years of what? You know?) Actually he didn't even mention the term "anniversary" at all on Thursday, so finally, before I went to bed, when we were texting back and forth about our plans for Friday, I end it with "Good night and merry anniversary" (just mixing it up a bit on the "happy anniversary" thing. haha) He texts back (somewhat jokingly I think) "good night. Grr." Grr back then - it is our annversary!

Go now fast forward to Friday. I ended up taking Friday off b/c my inlaws were going to a funeral, so i had to stay home to watch H. It worked out great b/c H was able to get off early too. I left the planning all in H's hand (so really this could have gone anyway), but what he ended up planning was a night at the nice hotel we stayed at for valentine's and New Years and dinner at this super gourmet restaurant. So we met up around 5 and got check in and then relaxed til dinner time. Dinner was awesome! H knows the head chef there (it was actually the guy we play teams with on pool on v-day) and he brought us out some extras. It's was all just so good, just absolutely amazing (the place was really cool too - very initimate with small little rooms divided off and fireplaces.) Later on this restaurant turns into a night club with music. So we did that and had a great time dancing together. We then stopped by the salsa club again to watch all the salsa dancers and then headed back to our room for the night. We had a great night and got a chance to sleep in (2nd time in the last 1.5 years - yay!) and then grabbed some brunch together. H kepting asking me if I had a good time and I assured him I did. This is all still H's world though. It was a lot of fun, but it's still not a realistic life to have. But I'm just taking it for what it was - a fun time, quality time with H, and a chance to reconnect.

So a little more of the important stuff. We did have some important R talks scattered around. Let me see if I can remember them all. H finally talked about us in relation to his therapy sessions. He said that his therapist is confused about what he wants (as obvious he is) b/c he'll say one thing but then say something completely opposite (he didn't tell me the details about what those opposite things were though). He said his therapist didn't know if his coming clean with me was b/c he want a chance to move foward with me or b/c he wanted me to dump him, thereby him not having to be the bad guy. We discussed both scenerios b/c he said coming clean was a complete act of his subconscience b/c he doesn't remember any of it. So we discussed that it most like was the 1st b/c he was straight forward, but apolgetic, and also very ashamed sounding. If he wanted me to break it off with him, we agreed that he would have been mean about it. So interesting. I then asked him (trying to get some info out) what his therapist thought someone in our situation should do next, and he said that she said he needed to get his sleep apnea and ADD under control first (Completely agree! Must work on himself before we work on his. Good advice. hehe) She also said that he needs to work on becoming his own self (which he took as getting his own money/sports bar - which in some ways agree, b/c he can't be living off his father for the rest of his life), and then finally he has to choose what he wants with me. And if he chooses going forward with me, that means MC. Yes, he actually said it - MC! I couldn't believe it! Glad to know he's completely on board with that once we get to the stage of fixing us after he's worked on fixing himself. So that's pretty exciting, right? I still don't get why choosing me is so difficult, but I just have to let these other things get worked out first. I did remind him though that he was suppose to make a decision by the end of the year. I think there were other small things discussed, but that was the biggest!

Last thing, OW. So like I said, she still drives out here to work. H told me that he told her that he doesn't want to have anything to do with her so to not work any of his shifts (so her usual days are Wed and Thurs (H's days off) plus one other day). Yesterday was her other day, so last night, she texts H around 7:30, something about how she was off now so we could come over whenever. Kind of odd, but at least things seem to be at an end.

[Lucky11too]

Forgot to mention two other points. When we were talking about the timeline (him making a decision by year end), I reminded him about that the longer he took to decide the more he is continuing to miss out on S's. He fires back with "that's b/c you left me" (neaning that if I hadn't left, then he would be missing out on S). I'm thinking, oh great, here we go again. It was early on still & I was afraid our evening is was about to be ruined. I tried to keep it positive & tell him that although me leaving was not good, our R was in a complete downward spiral and although I wouldn't have choose this situation, it has given us a chance to step back and reevaluate what's important to us and now have the possibility of a happy future, not just the hell we were destined to before. He seemed to like that answer and hopefully take it to heart, and so we moved on.

Other important thing discussed, H said that we would have liked to stay at my house during his recoup after surgery but can't b/c the cat would kill him (he brought this all up - I didn't mention a thing). This surprised me, so instead I offered out a different solution that maybe S and I could stay at his parents house with him that first weekend (that's S's 2nd home anyways) to be there for him and help out where we can. (plus I think it would be good to give him an idea what daily life with S is like. He has never spent more than a day at a time with S since he was 2 months and obviously a lot has changed since then. I know he won't be able to participate at all, but I just want him to see it and get a clue what real life with a son looks like when he thinks about getting back with us. Real life isn't the same as the fantasy world he tries to live in...)

So all in all, good stuff happening. I fear a little bit of a recoil from H, as often happens after a great time together, but we'll see...

[awest1217]

Great weekend! Good idea to expect some recoil from H, but he came through and even said MC. All part of what you would like to see before he comes "home". So many good things are going for you. Keep staying strong and remember you are expecting a little recoil so when it happens don't get too down. Man I am so excited for you!

[Lucky11too]

Although expected, still hard to take the recoil a bit. H was all upset yesterday b/c I went out for lunch with my g/f's for one of their b-day and I called him afterwards to see if he wanted to come by to see S before his work. He was upset b/c I hadn't let him know beforehand what time I would be done so now he wasn't ready. Omg, he can be such a girl sometimes! He had actually asked on Saturday if S and I wanted to have lunch with him on Sunday, but we already plans. (I was a little bummed out that we already had plans b/c he finally asked us to go instead of me always asking him, but there was no way I would or should flake on my friends). So who knows, maybe he was upset that I turned him down. But whatever. He texted me later on letting me know that he still had my license from friday. I asked him when he would be down and suggested maybe dropping it off to me today and grabbing some lunch. Today rolls around and I follow up with him on that and he says that maybe we could grab lunch later this week and that he'll just leave my license at his parents. That's fine. Like I said, despite knowing it was coming, it's definitely hard to take the recoil a bit. A few days ago everything felt right for that minute but then real life comes back. Just trying to keep my head up and striving towards a day when he might actually be able to give me all his love again. Sometimes I struggle not to fall into that day dream where everything turns out happily ever after, so I just need to keep my feet grounded and keep working thru this journey...

[awest1217]

Stay strong! You are doing great.

[Lucky11too]

The beginning of the week always seems pretty quiet. H and I have texted back and forth a bit, but quiet overall. Like I said, I had invited H to lunch on Monday to get my license back, but he said maybe another time. He said he ended up sleeping all day, so I was afraid his depression was coming back again. Luckily, he seemed better yesterday. One itteresting though is that I started saying good night almost every night now the last week. On Monday night, we were texting back and forth a bit and then said good night but never heard back from him. I thought I may have overpushed it a bit, so I tried to step back yesterday. So bedtime rolls around and I don't text H and then I get a text from H saying "sleepy time now?" So I guess he does appreciate that I say good night to him. I know it seems small, but sometimes you just have to enjoy the small joys.

I was just thinking back though to one thing from the weekend. We had a brief discussion about OW1 when she texted him that she was off work on Friday so we wouldn't have to worry about running into her. I can't help but to wonder how much they are still in contact though. In some ways they sound on the outs - he had said that he told her he didn't want her working any of his shifts b/c he didn't want to have to fire her and her make it personal. He said again how antagonistic they are to each other and said they were like "frenmies", in how they hate each other but that if she was stranded on the road or something, he would be there for her. hmm, that's not too comforting. I was in love-land during the weekend, but now it's really starting to settle in. I think H has always had a problem about knowing boundaries. He never cheated on me before but he would always be there for "friends in need". I'm glad he has a good enough heart to want to help people, but there are boundaries when it comes to friends of the opposite sex. I hope if we get to the point of MC, we can work on that issue. Hmm, but I just don't get it with OW1. I get OW2 - she was the casebook short term affair of the "it's not how I feel about her but about how she makes me feel" type (luckily OW2 seems to truely by gone - I haven't heard mention of her since and her location accros the coutnry is definitely key!) But OW1, I don't get it. What does H get out of it?

So anyways, today starts H's off work days, so we'll see how much time we get together...

[awest1217]

I hear you. With my H it has always been like the OW1.

You are really doing awesome and H is having some great baby steps. It isn't much, but I keep saying look back a few months and man things really have changed for the better. Not as quickly as hoped, but it is increasing so that is always positive. Try not to let OW1 bother you too much. It is something you will need to address in the future, but he has asked her to not work when he is so that is great and he hasn't text her or anything to your knowledge so it is something to deal with later.

[Lucky11too]

Ug, a little frustrated. Just asked H is he had scheduled the sleep surgery yet. He says "Nope. I think I'm gonna wait til April". What?! Just get it done already so you can feel better and we can start to move on with out lives!!! Why do these men always pushoff everything! Grr. Exasperated...

[awest1217]

Relax, don't nag. He may need some time to think over everything. Let him process. Give him this month and ask again later to see if he made the appointment at the end of march. You really have come far. Don't go backwards.