She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[givingitmyall]

Only way to go is forward.

Hey, SHE's the one who wanted the D. She knows how to stop it if she wants to.

[Gardener]

Awoken,

I enjoyed the extra time with S13.He's not doing so great. He was very angry this morning about all things in general. I suppose that is normal for a teenager, but I'm sure the sitch makes it worse.

Did you witness this, surmise it or is he still opening up to you like he did a couple of weeks back?

He turns 14 this friday, and mom will be out of town

That's inexcusable. And adding to his anger this week for sure.
And, yep: Onwards. No alternative.

[Sister]

It's clear my W is sick: Bi-polar, Alcoholic, depressed. I took a vow of marriage, for better or for worse. Divorce is a problem for me.

I think I understand where you are...DONE with it all, but not really believing in or wanting Divorce. But think about this time you'll have once she moves out. That doesn't mean it's over yet. It gives some separation that will make life a little easier and more bearable for all, you, the W as well as the kids. You'll both start to feel what life after D will be like.

It could open some eyes, it could make some differences. There's still time to bust this D, if that's what you really want to do. Maybe being on her own will be enough of a change to get her to see her own problems and get some help. No longer leaning on you and taking account of herself.

Just thoughts....you know I'm no DBer.

[flowmom]

These quotes from GIMA's thread have me thinking more:

Your W has what is called masked depression. She seems "normal" but she is not. Inside she is in major trouble.

AND

What would it take to not hate her?

I guess my question is, what if she had cancer? Would you have more compassion for her?

If yes then remember she is sick just change the disease in your mind.

It's clear my W is sick: Bi-polar, Alcoholic, depressed. I took a vow of marriage, for better or for worse. Divorce is a problem for me.

Awoken, I think you do have compassion for your W. Unfortunately, though, mental health problems and addiction destroy the fabric of M, unlike cancer.

It must be so hard to watch your W flake out as a mother. That is the best illustration of the fact that the M is not the issue here. This separation will give you both some space and it may protect the children from some of her toxicity.

[Gardener]

Awoken,

It's clear my W is sick: Bi-polar, Alcoholic, depressed. I took a vow of marriage, for better or for worse. Divorce is a problem for me.

Awoken. I completely understand your problem with divorce. I have - had - the same problem.
But any therapist you see, any book you read, any "guru" you listen to to will say up front that if any of the A's are present: Addiction, Adultery, Abuse, that must be taken care of first, then you can try to save marriage, listen to guru's advice, apply book's principals.

I believe that is why so many on these boards dealing with adultery try to bust the affair before busting the divorce (kick to curb, boundaries, exposing it, etc.).

Your A will have to be addressed and eliminated first or you are either going to bust your divorce and wind up hurting yourself and your boys by the alcoholism anyway or not be able to bust your divorce at all.

Just my opinion. I'd defer to anything IC is telling you.

[flowmom]

I thought of you as I was enjoying some live jazz tonight. I hope that you're feeling ok...

[Awoken]

Hugs to everyone:

(((Gima)))
(((Gardener)))
(((Sister)))
(((Flowmom)))

It's been a long week, and it was good to log in here and read everyone's supportive words. Thank you so much.

[Awoken]

This has been a busy week and busier weekend. I haven't really felt much like posting, and I think this is longest I've been away from the forum since my sitch started.

Thursday I met for several hours with my L, and we went over the details of a D offer. After talking over all the details, I realized I still wasn't quite ready to push this forward, and we agreed that I should take the weekend to think it over.

It was a big weekend:
S13 became S14 on friday.
D17 went to her junior prom Saturday night.
My nephew got married Saturday afternoon, and I played music for the reception.

STBXW left friday to drive across state for a triathlon. She was supposed to return on sunday. I handled it all on my own, and had a great time.

Friday night, S13 had two friends over for a sleepover. We did pizza and an ice cream cake. And the boys basically took over the house for most of the night. It was great just listening to them. Me and D17 watched a movie together in my room.

Saturday, the wedding conflicted with D17's schedule, so we arranged for her to get ready for prom with one of her best friends. I took S14! to the wedding with me. He was great, helping me move all the music equipment. Right after the wedding reception, we dashed back across town to D17's picture party, with the other couples that she was going to prom with. Traffic was bad, but we made it in time and I took lots of pictures along with the other parents. Half way through, STBXW showed up still dressed out from her triathlon. She had evidently driven 5 hours straight, right after competing. We finished pictures, and then W disappeared. I had a gig that night, and took S14! with me. He is friends with the two other musicians I performed with, and he had a good time.

The prom couples were due to meet at our home around midnight, where they would hang out for a few hours, and then the boys would leave and the girls would spend the night.

S14! and I got home around 11pm. S14! went to his room, as exhausted as I was. Then...
STBXW came down the stairs and all the trouble started again.

[Awoken]

I've spent a good part of the past week thinking hard about my own failures in my marriage. They are big, as are my STBXW's.
On friday night I had planned on collecting some of my favorite pictures of our family and of W. I had pulled out my favorite picture of W from many years ago. I left these in my office. I discovered saturday morning that W had found the pictures and destroyed them all before she left town.

Last night, as STBXW came down the stairs, enraged in a way all too familiar, the death of my marriage became crystal clear. Although I'm sure I will still have doubts.

She was furious because the house had not be adequately cleaned, and she thought that D17 was being selfish by going to prom and not cleaning up the house. We HAD cleaned up the house that morning. She was basically upset about a few empty glasses on the counter and a towel in the living room.

She then launched into another tirade about...everything. I validated, then defended, then I'd had enough. I've already take the blame for so much stuff, some of it rightly so. But she is ill, and in a bi-polar rage. I finally confronted her in a way I never have. I told her that her anger was abusive to me and the kids, and that she needed to deal with her bipolar illness. I was specific, outlining the patterns she follows. She knows this, and has acknowledged it before, but I have never confronted her with it myself. She was first diagnosed bipolar when she was in her teens, then again during the first years of our marriage. Last night she said, "I was diagnosed a long time ago, and I'm don't think I'm really bi-polar."

This morning I emailed my L asking her to complete the paperwork as soon as possible.

[flowmom]

Awoken, I'm really glad that you told your STBXW how her illness is affecting you and the children. It was the right thing to do, as a man and as a father.

And how crushing her response was. The denial. I can only hope that some of what you said sank in and that she will deal with her problems eventually, so that your interactions with her can be more peaceful.

It sounds like you were superGALdad this weekend and I am *very* impressed . Those parenting victories are so important to recognize and celebrate.

(((Awoken)))