My opinion is that your W had this all planned out; her script and you would be really generous, she would have no financial consequences, everything was going to be perfect. And now she's starting to realize that was a fantasy. Of course now that her fantasy isn't playing out, does she do any self-evaluation or blame you for that? That's typical WAS from what I've seen...
Yeah, you're probably right. She started in the beginning with, if there's anyone that could do this amicably, it's us. We don't fight. We respect each other, etc. All that. She thought it was going to be easy.
It's hard to deal with.
Everyone I talk to is amazed at how much she's getting; she says everyone tells her she would get more in court. I know the mediator is helping us find the middle.
But this - now - is finally when she gets to, I hate you. You're not the person I thought you were. All that. So yeah - I guess she was expecting me to just continue to give while she walks away.
Originally Posted By: karen43
You can't control and shouldn't care what your W thinks about you. That's part of detaching that you need to work on. You do the right thing, and what people think about you shouldn't matter, b/c you're doing the right thing...
I hope so. I was telling a friend today, I don't know where the line is between protecting my interests and being an a$$hole. I suppose that's because W is making me feel that way. She says I hurt her so badly (I believe this comment was specifically about the mediation meeting).
I don't know. Well, my friend responded, divorce is ugly.
I don't know any other way to go about it. I showed up prepared, with the documentation necessary. I asked questions - is XYZ customary, what are the tax implications, etc. Every question I asked, W took as me trying to screw her out of more money. They're just questions.
I don't know what I expect out of a post-divorce relationship. What I should expect. I don't want animosity. I guess I want something left. Some friendship...
I guess the best answer is to just get through this and pick up the pieces.
People have told me, she's not your friend. Friends don't put each other through this. Obviously, I'm not her friend either right now. But I didn't want this.
I spent much of the day today with my buddy, so I guess GALing. We met his mother in town for dinner, but before we met up, I did the idiotic thing of going and seeing the place, the room, that we had our wedding reception in. The door of the room we stayed in. It was really too much. Made it feel like it was yesterday that we were getting married.
Went to a place for dinner that I used to go to when I was single, and took W to a number of times. I haven't been back there since those early days.
I don't know why I'm torturing myself doing these things. It seems like something inside me really wants to feel it, the grief.
I called her on the way home; she didn't pick up, but did call back. Funny. I said, I should be calling you, but I am. And she said, well, I shouldn't be calling you back, but I did. Something like that. We talked for awhile. She said, part of her wants to stay close to me, but part of her just can't.
So that's my GALing for the day. Pretty pathetic. Well, I we did go to Guitar Center (which is really getting lame), went back and had an impromptu band practice. And every minute I feel that damn hurting hole in me. Do you just decide to stop feeling it?? Stop thinking about it? Yes, I feel stronger. I feel separate. I feel like I've gained a lot of personal strength, perspective, etc. from the experience. But I don't feel whole yet. Somewhere I heard, maybe DivorceCare, some made-up formula that for every year of marriage it takes X amount of time to recover. A friend told me that it took him 6 months, after the actual D, to feel just kind of OK, a year to really feel OK. And right now the hurt is still happening.
Sorry guys to indulge in this. I don't know if it's a matter of willing myself on, maybe it is. I don't know if all this is weakness, dwelling, or healthy grieving and processing.
Well Karen, you put your finger on it. I'm still detaching. Still. I'm OK much of the time, but when the turbulence comes, I feel it.
Still not like it was though, last summer and fall.
Rambling.
Clinging - yeah that's scary, with the finances and the house. My W hasn't done a great job of maintaining the house either, but she's surely had enough to deal with. Anyway, lots for me to do when I move back in.
I wonder how that works - if you have an asset like a house when you file, and she's responsible for losing it (and how do you define her vs. your responsibility) - does she owe you your part of the value somehow? I know I'm legally restricted from selling investments.
