What I'm getting at is that your w needs to have it together before she can work on the M. She might never get it together while she is in the current set up. I am not offering advice. I am giving another perspective.
From what it sounds like it's not about you, it's about her. She wants a life on her own. She's not going to have it while staying in the house. Maybe let her move out and be happy? Piece it after?
I understand there are children and financial obligations involved. Both of you might not want to separate until D is final.
