Time to share another revelation and my first new method--
I have a better understanding of how to use 180 in my situation.
I took very easily to the GAL philosophy (despite the anxiety and internal turmoil). I adopted it and exhibited a positive, upbeat attitude.
The way I behaved has not worked for my situation. In fact, it put H off and created more distance for a time.
Like any good English degree recipient, I highlighted, underlined, and took notes as I was reading the DR book. I looked back over my notes this week and saw that I had written down notes about my usual way of handling conflict. These are my notes from 1/25/10:
"My usual way: *I shut down *I fold my arms at times *I distance myself emotionally *I dig in my heels even more
What I do and how I handle things is NOT working."
When I learned about the 180, I took it at face value. I took it to mean that I needed to stop crying when I saw or talked to H, stop talking about the relationship, and stop letting my emotions/feelings be known. THIS WAS A MISTAKE IN MY SITUATION.
My H has always wanted me to be more expressive. He has always wondered why I shut down and distance myself. It's true that I do this. I've never liked to cry or let my feelings be known (and I don't really know why), and my internalization has not helped me (recall I now have an ulcer) or my marriage.
In one of our conversations this week, he told me that he didn't like that I was behaving or pretending like nothing was going on. He said it wasn't real or genuine. He told me that he has never acted like he wasn't sad about our situation. He didn't know why I have been doing that.
I explained that I was trying to be upbeat and positive in his presence. I told him that I didn't want to seem needy, desperate, or clingy and that I didn't want to put him off with my sadness.
His response: "When you act like that, it's just more of the same."
AHA! I see now that the sadness of our situation was something we had in common. When I displayed the other behavior, he felt alone (like he says he felt at times in the past few years). After thinking about it, since our separation he has been more businesslike when I'm upbeat and much warmer and loving when I've seemed down.
A true 180 for me would be to show more emotion, share my feelings, and look to him for comfort and sharing. I could have kicked myself, especially after I reread my notes. I knew it enough then to write it down but didn't remember to follow through on it.
So my 180 this week has been to share feelings and let him comfort me. I can admit this--it feels pretty good, and I could tell that he appreciated being able to help and give advice. I did a lot of "You're right," "That's a good point," and "That's so true." This is also a 180 for me.
We've talked and texted more this week than we have in about 1 1/2 months.
I have deprived him of the opportunity to help, but now I see the importance of that to him. I am also becoming more at ease with the idea of sharing and being comforted. I'm just so sorry I didn't know how much he needed this before.
