WAW Using God II

[Coach]

So what caused this show of love and passion? Did it help you with your goals?

[pigskin]

So what caused this show of love and passion? Did it help you with your goals?

A kick in the ass from you and 25, I'm not ashamed to say.

Did it further my goals? Maybe too soon to tell, but it did contribute to my 180s, mainly becoming comfortable in doing the uncomfortable with regard to relationships.

[25yearsmlc]

geez, WELL DONE...dang boy, you gots it in you!

j-

[pigskin]

What coach said...and DB does not say don't pursue IF that's what might be indicated. IT says do what works. When my h was deep into MLC he said at one point that he "needed to go to the place for the job of his life" and I asked if it mattered that our family weren't with him....and he said, "I'd PREFER if you came with me..." and boy did that say it all....to me, that was a slap in the face with his "hmm, guess it's a 51-49 choice"....(or maybe an 80-20??) but I was so turned off. I mean talk about making his priorities clear. If it came down to it, he'd choose his adventure job over us -- and he DID! HE left!

Was gone for 2 years and then hit a wall of depression and neediness and loneliness and realized, "OMG they didn't join me...where is everyone?" And it sank in that without us, the "JOB of a lifetime" meant very little. We had moved on, and there are tremendous repairs yet to be complete with my h and our d's, particularly our oldest d, whom he left while she was in high school.

I cannot tell you how much it still kills me that he did that. I'm not talking about not forgiving him; I have done so much work on that and feel it's mostly complete as a wife. But as a mother, seeing the damage he inflicted on her at such an important time in her life, still hurts. I feel sorry for him, and for her. I really do.

At Retrovaille he shared some grief with me that makes me realize he does get it, but fears that the damage is too great. What can I say? My point in all this is that when my h made that selfish crazy choice he didn't think it sounded the way it did to me. He felt he was saying "Come on!" But that's not what he said. I recall it verbatim, b/c it hurt so much. What I heard was, IN EFFECT, "come if you want, or don't...not that big a deal..."

I wonder if your wife hears that too. All this validation of her leaving you is pretty unromantic to me. As crazy as movies are, think about the best romantic films you've seen. I mean have you ever watched a woman trying to break up who doesn't really want to, and seen the leading man say "Well if that's how you FEEL....??? Um, gee, I can't think of a single woman who'd be "swept off her feet by that"...really... DO what works--obviously-- and know that if you want to "mix it up" you have to be careful you don't look inconsistent. B/c if it is some sort of test from her, you'll fail. She's looking for leadership, confidence in you that you two are meant to be b/c you want/love her and that takes time + consistent changes in you. So if you "flip flop" on her, you'll lose. We all know it's hard and it IS a fine line. But what I needed from my h when he wanted back in, was faith that he was sure he REALLY wanted back in and not because we were his back up or 2nd choice or a "little better than nothing"....I deserve to have passion and love in my life and know it's out there if not with my h. I mean, I had offers and what's good about that is that although there were some wacky guys out there, there are also many good men who would make fine partners. I don't "need" my h. But since he made the effort that I needed from him, we reconciled. We also got help in "piecing" and went to Retrovaille...so I get what you mean about feelings but your wife is letting her feelings determine what she DOES. And that's not alright. Shoot, there are times my kids are not so lovable. I still love them though. I don't leave them.

Make sense? Sorry if this sounds confusing. But I really liked Coach's advice. I read "Wild At Heart" also and it helped me understand my h's need for adventure and daring in his life in a way that didn't feel so threatening--though he left to find it--but I know men are different. And since I'm not one of you, it's great to get advice from someone who is.

j-

Good points, 25. Thanks for sharing your story and perspective. And thanks for providing some motivation to show some passion to my wife...

[25yearsmlc]

and you know, if things ultimately don't work out, this type of experience is a dang good "exercise" if you know what I mean. It's a good risk to take. Keep it up.
j-

[pigskin]

Here's a new one:

Invited W to have dinner with me at the house. I planned to make the kids pizza and have them watch a movie. W said, "Yes, I would like that." But then the kids started whining about not wanting to do it and shot the idea down!

DOH!

Granted she said they were tired and stressed out from hoofing around an expo all day.

I definitely would not want to be trying to have dinner with my wife while the kids are whining, so I'll save the idea for another day.

[Kettricken]

Well, that may be a good thing in a roundabout way. She *wanted* to, but was prevented by outside forces. Good. Let her want in vain a little bit; it makes you seem valuable to her. AND you didn't have to prevaricate or manipulate to make it happen. Win-win.

In other news, way to lay it out there! Color me impressed.

[pigskin]

Interesting development.

W has decided to get baptized at her church. She's been going there for about a year and they do baptisms on a regular basis and asked her before about doing it. She resisted, as she told them "I'm not doing what God wants right now."

She didn't want to get baptized until she was sure she was ready to follow God. She came home and announced she was doing it on Easter weekend, saying she's "going to follow Jesus."

She said the last two weeks of scripture readings they did convinced her to do it. We had no discussion about this and how it pertains to our relationship, I just congratulated her and told her it was great.

The optimist in me would like to think she's come to a place in her mind to trust God and His plan for marriage, and this could possibly be a turning point in her willingness to work on our relationship. A pessimistic view would be that there will be no change to her prior thinking that God will offer her forgiveness and she will just move on. Tough to tell, but she was happy in our interactions today.

The reading was the gospel story where the apostles were fishing all day and caught nothing. Jesus told them to put their nets back in the water, and although they protested that it would be fruitless, they did so and caught more fish than they could bring aboard.

Not sure what message she got from this; maybe I'll ask her, but I don't want to pry into her thinking and have her believe that I'm reading something into it that isn't there. But it could go back to me questioning her on what she thought faith was, and whether she trusted God enough to do what He asks of her, even if she's worried about the outcome.

[Kettricken]

The reading was the gospel story where the apostles were fishing all day and caught nothing. Jesus told them to put their nets back in the water, and although they protested that it would be fruitless, they did so and caught more fish than they could bring aboard.

What message do *you* take from this?

[MrBond]

That there's plenty of fish in the sea.

Just kidding.