I posted last week for the first time in MONTHS. Some of my old DB friends were asking for an update so here it is. I tried to keep it short but don't think I succeeded!
We’re still waiting on the legal sitch to be over. Well, at least that’s what he is still telling me. The DWI was thrown out due to lack of evidence. Now we’re down to who is going to pay OWs medical bills. We’re waiting on her insurance company to decide if they will pay anything.
Last January I discovered they were still being intimate. This was quite an accidental discovery but ever since then, things between H and I have deteriorated. He continued to deny it even when I said I knew. We have not ML in months. I told him I could not be intimate with him if he was having any sort of R with OW. He continued to deny, deny, deny.
In the fall, when he was supposed to be out of town, he was seen in town, with other woman in his work van. This was a Friday night. I was suspicious about a weekend work trip from the get-go so I followed my gut and went looking. Found his van at a hotel about 20 min away. Busted!
I called him that night after I had settled down. Got his voicemail but told him I was astounded at the complexity of his lies. He called me back and said she was threatening him so he needed to spend some time with her. Honestly I never know what to believe any more. I’ve tried talking to him but he shuts down! I could on for hours and the only comments I would get are “I understand” or “I don’t blame you.”
It was upsetting but at least I had confirmation on their intimacy. It actually was a relief to know the truth.
Fast forward to present day...
A couple of weekends ago, my daughter and I were out of town. She plays the flute, is very good, wants to pursue some type of music career, so when her private teacher told us about a flute fair in the DC area, D said she wanted to go. D wanted to upgrade her flute and we were told this was THE best place to get a great selection. It was long enough of a drive to warrant a hotel stay so I booked a room for 2 nights. H did not – would not -- go.
I was nervous what he would do alone all weekend. I talked to him about it and he assured me he would be alone. I assured him that having OW in our home would be THE last straw for me. He said I could have the house watched if I wanted to – she would not be there.
I did not arrange for anyone to watch the house but what I did do was buy a voice activated recorder. I turned it on and hid it before walking out the door at 4 pm on Friday. I just wanted to make sure SHE was not in our house. Unfortunately the recorder was full before Saturday night arrived, but I did hear some interesting conversations (or at least one side of them). Including intimate comments; scheming on how they could get together without being seen so it looked like he was home. Unbelievable.
I confronted him the same week. Told him I could not do this any longer. I wanted to go over the budget and see what I needed to live in our home, and what would be left for him to live on if he moved out. He would rather not move out. Says financially it’s a crucial time. He’s right, D will be off to college in 1.5 years and we have college visits to plan, but we’ll find a way. He asked me if I wanted to date! HUH!?
I’ve lived with H’s A and OW in my life for nearly 3 years. I was determined to wait until the legal sitch was over to give us a fair chance – a level playing field. Perhaps even do Retrovaille. But who knew it was drag on for so long? I think the cards were stacked against me from the beginning but I refused to see it. I’ve turned into a timid, scared person living in a shell, hiding away from the world, who feels useless and unlovable. It’s horrible.
Since last week, H and I have are no further along in making a decision to separate or not. But he has been very nice to me, doing little favors for me, etc. Wonder why he’s doing that? (Like I don’t know.) The ball is in my court and I have not made a decision. I think am closer to it, but crossing that Rubicon is scary as hell!
