Question

[ClingingToHope]

Just beware of artificial deadlines. I don't know what's going to happen in a week, but don't put too much stock in how that'll decide things one way or the other.

After all, you two are both just 27 and your son is two. There's lots of twists and turns left in this story.

I forget that. I put so much emotional energy into every event I exhaust myself.

One more point. If he chooses you, he will be happy. Home is where you find happiness. He just has to grow up and realize you are his choice. It's something I didn't truly, truly learn until last March when the thought of losing my family really hit me in the face. Before, I was 99 percent in and 1 percent wondering.

Unfortunately for me, we were perhaps beyond the point of no return when I realized it.

That's what he doesn't understand. He still thinks it's all about him. At some point, if he doesn't grow up in time, you may move on.

[awest1217]

CTH,

Thank you for that thought, but this is not an artificial deadline. He has to make a decision whether he comes home or he doesn't and we get a divorce. It may sound harsh because it has only been a year of separation and many people on this site have been going through this for years, but I have been going through the OW thing for 10 years really now 11 years. It is time for me to move on one way or another because for S and I, we need to be out of limbo.

S needs a consistent schedule he will get to see H. I need to be able to plan ahead without wondering if H is going to come along and ruin everything; say he will come and at the last minute not or plan something without him and then he wants to come along, etc. I have to plan what will happen with our house especially once I know what is happening with my salary. I may only be 27, but I deserve to find someone who is going to respect me. S is already learning that a father is someone who is around once in a while, which is setting him up to do the same thing as we gets older. I have thought about this a long time, and I feel it is time because this isn't a year situation, it has been years.

This has to stop so it isn't an artificial deadline. The owners sold the house and he has to make a decision because for all of our sakes, even his, we all need to move in some direction instead of spinning our wheels.

On a good note, he text me this morning and asked to come over right after work and then do pizza. Kind of sad though because this could be my last time going to friday night pizza. Also tomorrow is the anniversary of my grandpa's suicide and today is a little hard because it is the exact same lesson plans I had set up when I got the call that he had passed away.

Despite all of that, I feel great. I feel strong, happy, and excited. Spring has always been my favorite time of year because it is a new beginning and this year, unlike last, I really feel one way or another it is a new beginning for me.

[ClingingToHope]

I didn't realize you'd made the decision on the D. I remember several weeks ago you were writing that you'd never D.

I was that way last year. I'd wait forever. Then after Christmas I was so fed up with limboland I considered filing. Then she did it instead and I'm back to wanting to slow things down.

Such a roller coaster.

I'm very sorry about your grandfather. You haven't written much about your other family. Are they still being supportive?

Yes. Spring is great isn't it. For me, it means a lot more weekend work. I'm also considering trying to scrape together money for a golf pass. That way if the walls close in on me on days I don't have the girls I'll just go play nine holes.

I was at a real estate seminar and thinking about how to get into different groups. I'm back doing a divorce rebuilding workshop on Tuesdays, I play a lot of softball on Mondays and I have the girls on Wednesdays. So it's Thursday nights and essentially one weekend a month with free time.

Geez, I tend to overschedule myself.

I'll be passing through Indiana in a month. Every year I go to opening day in Cincinnati and that means crossing over to Indianapolis and heading south.

Are you a baseball fan?

[awest1217]

I can't stand baseball...sorry.

In quick news, on the way home I get a mistaken text from H that says "going to W's to play with S, then pizza. see you soon baby girl. i loooooove u". It was meant for OW. I forwarded it back to H and said oops wrong person.

We are still doing pizza because I already told S we would. Right now I know we are done. He won't ever leave her and already said "you know I am having problems with this". Sorry you two are not "just friends" so it is either her or me. I am still giving him next week, but it is cold turkey with one of us.

One week!

[ClingingToHope]

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, ouch.

I wonder how he's going to try to spin that?

[awest1217]

H never tried to really explain it except by saying, you know I am having a hard time with this. He knows it is inappropriate so I didn't make a big deal out of it. I invited him to go to the mall with S and I today, and he said he would love to if he feels ok, but of course he never showed up. He was "packing". Then I called and asked if he is leaning one way or another because I also need to plan for everything (if he doesn't come home, I have a lot of packing to do). He of course said I don't know and about 1 hour later sent a text saying he is so sorry he doesn't know yet and knows it isn't fair.

He keeps saying he loves me so much, but he just doesn't know what to do....blah, blah, blah. 5 days and most!

On a funny vindictive side, H texts me this afternoon to say how his life sucks and his day is getting worse because he got a ticket for going 40 in a 35. Then he had a little spot of what we thought was eczema, but has now spread to many other parts of his body so I don't think it is anymore, anyway the main patch has cracked and is bleeding and it is in a sensitive area so he is in pain. I kind of feel bad, but mostly I think "you put yourself in this mess, and life is finally getting back at your for treating me bad and being an absentee father." However is am still being very nice and although I want to send him an e-mail saying how the text shows why if he comes home, he can't every talk to OW, and how he is making a horrible mistake by not coming home because OW won't be there for him for forever. He is just throwing everything away, but I won't do it.

[Lucky11too]

Wow, you've had a busy weekend too. That mistaken text is pretty surprising. I just don't get why he could do something like that and him not understand why they can't "just be friends". Do you honestly think he is that misguided right now that he actually believes it or do you think he knows that's a lie but is hoping you'll believe it?

You know it's totally unfair to you, but sometimes it just really takes a person to get down to the wire and about to lose everything to knock some sense into them. Just continue to stand your ground b/c you are absolutely in the right and give him that last chance before the end. Luckily, I can see how strong you are in this and will be able to follow thru with the "her or me" ultimatum. He had a chance to "wean" off her, but now it's time for cold turkey! No excuses!

[Kalni]

In quick news, on the way home I get a mistaken text from H that says "going to W's to play with S, then pizza. see you soon baby girl. i loooooove u". It was meant for OW. I forwarded it back to H and said oops wrong person.

OK, that was... horrible. I dont think you should consider allowing him coming back under these conditions. You know I am ALL for focusing on your goal and giving love a chance but this just aint right. If he loves her or thinks he does, he wont be serious with reconciling. It will be nerve wrecking and frustrating for you and it will actually get more distnace between you. I was there for a year without knowing I was. It sucked big time. Time to set some boundaries. Dont let him call the shots. YOU do it for you life.
K

[awest1217]

K- I definitely know about the not letting him come home with her still attached. He has to move out of his current residence because it was sold, and I told him he either comes home and ditches her, or he still is her "friend", doesn't come home, and I file for divorce. As I have said before, this has been years of many different OW and if he chooses to not want to try to make this work, there isn't much more I can do at this point. I really think he wants to live in a fantasy world where him and OW are happily together when in reality she is married and so is he and he has a S. It will be interesting the weekends he is supposed to see S, and OW wants to go out of town, but H can't because in Indiana S won't spend the night until he is 3, so they would have to stay in town. Then real life will set in, but who knows, maybe he will come to his senses and let her go, but at this point I doubt it. We are just his "family" so when he talks to people they have a good perception of him. I am though making sure H doesn't come home and still be with OW. I have lived that life for most of my marriage and I am not going back there (not at all what H was planning on when he left...me getting stronger)

5 more days!

[Kalni]

I have great respect for you my dear.
One of the hardest things in life is to know when time comes, which bridge to cross and which to burn.

I would hate it for you, to be the "I love you and I need a place to stay" solution for your H. Because it sounds like that is what you are. I thought he was between places trying to figure out what to do. I believe now he is only doing what suits HIM. Do you think he would be considering coming home to you if OW had her own apartment?

If he has been like this for years, what makes you think he is going to change now? I am sorry if I sound negative, you've been through a lot in your life, you deserve the best, you are young and smart, dont sell yourself short.
xxxx
K