ILYBNILWY - Thoughts From This Walk Away Spouse

[crushed_v95]

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you any longer..."

One of my biggest gripes about the Divorce Busting community is the misconception that ILYBNILWY is some sort of barometer, indicating the presence of another (wo)man.

Not only is this nonsense; but I also believe it is harmful to new people, who may appear here seeking help, only to have their impressionable heads filled up with fantastic images of supermodels and bodybuilders having wild, passionate whoopie with the love of their lives.

Before I go any further, let me introduce myself. My nym is crushed. About six weeks ago I found this forum after my own wife used this line on me. Was there another person in her life? Yes, but there have been many other people in her life, and in her case the line was delivered as a sort of sadistic game. For years, my wife has been unfaithful. She never gave me the line in the past. In fact, usually, she got very nice and attentive after she had a fling, as though she was feeling a bit guilty and wanting to make sure I didn't suspect anything.

Since my own wife claimed to be walking away, I went through some serious trauma. I came out the other end puzzled, because she not only has not walked away yet, but I have become stronger and am now preparing to walk away from her.

I've used it on her three times now. It makes her very angry.

My wife assumes, like many on this forum, that there is some other woman in the background. This is pathetic, self-serving and very convenient for the ego of the left-behind spouse.

Rather than take responsibility for the fact that it is her own dismal behavior and depressing antics that caused me to fall out of love with her, she gets to be angry at me for some sort of imagined affair I'm having with Kate Winslet.

If Kate Winslet asked me to move in, I wouldn't bother telling my wife anything. I'd already be banging away on the washing machine and my dear wife would be long forgotten.

The reality is that ILYBNILWY may mean many things. It may mean that one's spouse has gone insane. It may mean that one's spouse is in an affair. It may mean that one's spouse is in love with you but wants to hurt you. It may mean that one's spouse is in love with you but doesn't want to be married any longer. Maybe s/he just wants to be single (as in my case) and find him or herself.

Not only am I not having an affair, but I do not want one. I'm going to dedicate at least the next TWO YEARS solely to my kids and am not interested in any sort of intimacy or relationship with ANYONE. I consider my prime directive at this moment to be fatherhood. All women (gay dudes too) are welcome to take a number. I'll be with y'all *real soon now*.

It is best not to try to second guess one's spouse or read his or her mind. This line (much like "I love you") is so vague that it could mean nearly anything. Look at the behavior of the spouse and judge your situation carefully.

Most importantly: do not listen to people here and subsequently accuse your spouse of infidelity simply based on this line. This is happening to me. It's a great way of making me love my own wife even less than I did before she got upset (hard as it is to believe, that did happen). Accusing your spouse of some sort of misbehavior that you have no proof for is a great way to drive them further away from you, and is not commensurate with the spirit of divorce busting.

I tell my wife I'm not in love with her any longer. That's true. The reality is that if she began improving her behavior, and taking her position as wife and mother seriously, I might move back into the love zone. Take me seriously on this, all you left behind spouses. Do what works, not what makes you feel avenged.

Peace, CV_95