Still looking...

[Gardener]

Bunny,

At the end of the tour, I was alone with SIL2 in my bedroom, and she asks "OK, Bunny- what happened?" And I told her- everything. The swinging, my alleged issues, H's cheating from our previous troubles, H's pushing of meds on me, me breaking the rule of getting emotionally attached to a swing partner, all of it. Needless to say- SIL2's jaw dropped to the floor, but it made sense to her now. Like I said before, nobody could understand why I left- we were the perfect upper-middle class family and I walked away from it. To them, I looked like the flighty WAW, or they thought maybe H had a GF at work.

Bravo, girl! I bet that - finally - felt good. That was just too much of a burden to carry alone.

I warned her before I said anything, that it will be really bad for me if it gets back to H that I said anything. I'm not stupid, I know it will, but I was willing to risk it. (Anyone want to set up a betting pool of how long until H finds out? ) Maybe it was a little vengeance, his family thinks he's an angel, he's so great, so smart, so nice- yeah well, there's another side to him... I'm not telling everybody, but I wanted someone to know my side.(1) I know it will get back to him eventually, and I'm going to have a ton of sh!t to deal with when it happens- hopefully it will be after the settlement agreement is done. I am seriously afraid of his reaction, but (2)I didn't want to keep that secret anymore. Maybe I should have waited until later, but my mood was right and SIL2 was ready to listen. Maybe it was a selfish "emotional dump" on my SIL2. She seemed glad to understand though, and she's seriously pissed at H and lost a ton of respect for him.

I think he's going to eventually face some consequences of his decisions other than just a D. (3)I feel a little guilty at feeling some satisfaction at that thought.

(1) Refuse to engage. Do not discuss it.Other than maybe, "If there was nothing wrong with it, why fear the truth?"
(2) That's all that matters. Who can blame you?
(3)I would think that relief - and even some joy - would be in order, here.

One lingering problem- I can’t get past the numbness. When it comes to H and our M, I don’t feel much of anything, positive or negative- I can’t find any anger, disappointment, hate, love, desire- just nothing.

The opposite of love isn't hate. It's apathy, nothing-ness.

I have to re-read some of my previous posts to remind myself

You do that, girl. You'll see what we've all seen. And admired.