I'm not sure what to feel about the EA. I wasn't allowed to have that, but I was allowed a PA with the guy- I could sleep with him all I want (bring pics back, please). H knew about him- he saw me chat with him and heck, sometimes he would even help select my outfit when I would get ready to go out with him. I didn't see him often, and he wasn't the only man I dated, there were others. I noticed during that last year that when I wanted some attention from H is when I would go out- if I was upset or lonely or whatever. That definitely got his attention, and it was positive attention.
I never had a partner prior to this guy that I saw more than once, that's how I got into trouble with it. I learned my emotions are more involved in sex than I realized. It's why the one night stands left me depressed and feeling empty and like a hooker afterward- no emotional connection. My sex life with H was at least comfortable/predictable/convenient even though the connection was eroding. No snuggles, love words, it was usually basic f***ing, not ML. We had become f***buddies. That's not enough for me in a marriage- I really want to feel loved and cherished.
So- I'm sorry I got attached to this guy. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger and let H talk me into this at all. I told him that was one of my concerns before we started- H said we could handle it. How ironic- I was worried about him and I'm the one who got into trouble. H wanted us to play outside the rules, and we got burned. I'm not surprised by that, H is- and sees it as a failure on my part for not having more control over my emotions. I'm disappointed that he even put me in that position.
That's something I'm working on in IC- get strong enough to make sure no one else hurts me like he did.
